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This thread turned into people arguing over personal boundaries, with some people saying that those who think looking through a phone is ok means they don't have those boundaries. Here is the deal: PERSONAL boundaries are just that - personal. So why do some of you care that others allow their texts to be read by their SO?? It's none of your business.
My boyfriend and I trust each other. Yes, I have looked at his texts before out of curiosity when he was not there. No, I did not read every single conversation and I haven't looked at his phone for many months now. I have told him that he can look at my phone whenever he wants because I have nothing to hide on it. Now, on my computer, I have a number of personal files and diaries that I do not want anyone to read. He knows this and respects it. He keeps a diary as well that I would never think about snooping in.
Some of you might say I have no "boundaries" but I don't care. That's how our relationship works. The OP needs to have a serious discussion with this woman. Clearly she violated his privacy and they need to work it out. If she keeps saying what she did was fine and he doesn't feel the same way, then he should break up with her. The fact she actually left those messages open means she's sending him a sign, like a lot of you said, or she's just an idiot. Neither of those things are good.
That's because personal boundaries are the entire issue here. Did she ever ask, "Hey, mind if I read all your messages?" She must have sensed that the answer to that was evidently 'No' because of her early morning raid on his text messages. She already knew it wasn't kosher or else she would have simply picked up the phone and started pawing through the thing while he was awake and sitting beside her on the sofa.
The other thing is that you do indeed have boundaries drawn in your personal relationship with your boyfriend. You just happen to draw it at files on your computer and your boyfriend's diary. Why are those sacrosanct and texts on a mobile phone are not? Seems as if you have some awfully arbitrary boundaries yourself, yet want to critique the boundaries that others draw in their own lives. I mean are the secret files on your computer erotic descriptions of your wildest assignations? The novel you keep toying with? Or the blueprint of a plan to bomb the Pentagon? If you have such complete and utter trust for your boyfriend, why not drag them out into the light of day?
What's more, you pose the question, "So why do some of you care that others allow their texts to be read by their SO??" Well, given that it is a big, fat issue for the OP who turned to us on a message board for advice, then it really does become our business. You know that's what forums like this are for, right?
Mind you, I think it's outstanding that you and boyfriend read each other's phones. But I would never dream of reading my wife's text messages. She has a couple of friends who have some serious issues going on in their lives, and I would be violating their trust by casually reading those conversations. My wife will tell me what I need to know.
Note to the OP: Passcodes are an awfully good thing to have. Not just for prying girlfriends, but for the world at large.
I've never given her any reason to not trust me. I've never cheated in any past relationships. Considering that my marriage ended because my ex-wife cheated on me honest and fidelity are the two most important things to me.
I'm confused on why she left the conversations open. Conversation 1 was a friend of a friend wanting to buy a picnic table from me. Convo 2 was my best friends gf wishing me a happy bday. Convo 3 was a conversation I had with someone right after I accepted their friend request which basically consisted of hi how are you. Convo 4 the only one that would be in the arena of cheating occurred 6 months before I met my current GF.
She may have been letting you know she saw them. She may have not realized she was leaving them open. She may have been interrupted (thought you were waking up) and bailed in a hurry.
Personally, I'd say nothing. Keep this knowledge to yourself and keep a closer eye on her. You don't always have to play your cards right away.
I wouldn't care if my guy snooped lol personally I'd be amused and tease him for being a green eyed monster but that's all. I'd have nothing to hide so it'd be no big deal
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by purehuman
She snooped..big deal. I never could understand why that's so upsetting ,unless of course there IS something you're hiding, which is usually the case if someone gets all upset by it. Trust is something that becomes stronger with time..you've proven that yours and hers won't...too bad, but then cell phones should come with a warning: don't leave anything on it that could prove you're a lying cheating a**hole, if you don't want others to know.
I dunno. I think going behind my back is disrespectful to me. I think looking at my stuff when I did not agree to it would upset me. I don't think I have to have secrets to be upset my gf does not trust me. And yes I am a Edward Snowden supporter.
I dunno. I think going behind my back is disrespectful to me. I think looking at my stuff when I did not agree to it would upset me. I don't think I have to have secrets to be upset my gf does not trust me.
This. I mean, what's next? Perusing your financial statements in the middle of the night? Looking at your bank balance?
I'm not saying everyone should snoop on their partner. I'm saying if someone is snooping they are either A) already questioning the relationship and are looking for an excuse to stay/go, or B) are control freaks you are better off without. Only you can decide which one your partner is when you discover them snooping.
Right. The thing is, though, that both of these reasons are bad indicators for the relationship, so I'm going to end it either way. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is questioning it and looking for an excuse to stay/go just like I don't want to be in a relationship with a control freak. Either way it's over, so who cares which it is?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceece
And if you are hiding something or sneaking around you forfeit your right to feel indignant or betrayed by anyone snooping on you. I'm just saying.
That's because personal boundaries are the entire issue here. Did she ever ask, "Hey, mind if I read all your messages?" She must have sensed that the answer to that was evidently 'No' because of her early morning raid on his text messages. She already knew it wasn't kosher or else she would have simply picked up the phone and started pawing through the thing while he was awake and sitting beside her on the sofa.
The other thing is that you do indeed have boundaries drawn in your personal relationship with your boyfriend. You just happen to draw it at files on your computer and your boyfriend's diary. Why are those sacrosanct and texts on a mobile phone are not? Seems as if you have some awfully arbitrary boundaries yourself, yet want to critique the boundaries that others draw in their own lives. I mean are the secret files on your computer erotic descriptions of your wildest assignations? The novel you keep toying with? Or the blueprint of a plan to bomb the Pentagon? If you have such complete and utter trust for your boyfriend, why not drag them out into the light of day?
What's more, you pose the question, "So why do some of you care that others allow their texts to be read by their SO??" Well, given that it is a big, fat issue for the OP who turned to us on a message board for advice, then it really does become our business. You know that's what forums like this are for, right?
Mind you, I think it's outstanding that you and boyfriend read each other's phones. But I would never dream of reading my wife's text messages. She has a couple of friends who have some serious issues going on in their lives, and I would be violating their trust by casually reading those conversations. My wife will tell me what I need to know.
Note to the OP: Passcodes are an awfully good thing to have. Not just for prying girlfriends, but for the world at large.
I never said I didn't have boundaries nor did I "critique" others for their own choices. Stop being so defensive.
Those questions you posted are incredibly nosy and I will not deign to answer them. Just because I trust my boyfriend doesn't mean I tell him everything. Those are two separate issues.
When I asked the question about people like you attacking others for saying they think it's all right for their phones to be read, it doesn't automatically apply to the OP. Clearly the OP had an issue with his gf looking through his phone. He would not have asked it if he didn't care. I am talking about people who allow others to do it, and how people like you keep attacking them for it when it is none of your business.
Sorry that we disagree but you don't have to attack my personal life just because of it
The only semi-valid objection I see someone having to the boundaries others set is arguing that it contributes to people entering into their subsequent relationships thinking behaviors generally regarded as intrusive are okay or feeling entitled to them because their ex was fine with it.
I can easily see someone thinking it's the norm for a healthy relationship to be all over each other's phones, emails, and such dating someone else and immediately taking offense by a line being drawn, assuming there must be something wrong with person B for saying it's not cool just because person A was okay with it.
Just playing devil's advocate there.
I believe there should be boundaries on principle. I don't think it's healthy for individuals' lives to be completely absorbed by their relationship to the point where they have nothing left existing outside of it or that isn't under its domain or watch. It's an identity thing.
That said, everyone will draw those lines in different places. As long as lines ARE drawn, I don't think much of it. Being with someone who has no boundaries whatsoever would concern me and someone who objects to my boundaries can move on.
This thread turned into people arguing over personal boundaries,
It didn't "turn into" anything. It was about personal boundaries (on person invading another person's privacy) from the very first post.
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nor did I "critique" others for their own choices. Stop being so defensive.
