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Three weeks ago, I got married to my then BF, now husband at quick and simple City Hall/Courthouse ceremony, with 2 witness: his mother, and my older brother. There were No engagement ring, No wedding reception, No honeymoon. We both be back to our own job working the next day.
In defense of my husband, I choose not to have any of those stuff. He working 12-14 hours shift everyday, so he is tired. We both want to avoid of the stress of of planning a wedding, and our goal was to save up money fast for house down-payment.
I have a strain relationship with my controlling/dictatorship parents , for more than a decade I survived on my own without a penny help from them. I know they won't give their blessing in my marriage anyways. There was no point of having a wedding when pretty much nobdoy on my side of the family going to show up.
I grow up in the traditional Chinese family that rather COLD, there was no showing affection between parents and children. There was no saying 'I love you'. There was no hugs, no goodnight kisses. No physical display of affection between children, parents, relatives family, etc...
My family immigrant to USA since I was little, so I grow up in the western cultures. But inside our family there was no display of affection at all.
My mother was emotionally abusive too, she tends to take out her anger on her children. So me and my older brother grow up hearing she belittle us, and verbally abuse us throughout our childhood.
So growing up my whole life not seeing affection. I, myself don't know what affection is. I admit sometimes I do feel awkward/weird when someone show alot of affection towards me, example like my husband. Have anyone here read the '5 Languages of Love" book? Me and my husband don't seem to have the same language when it come to love.
I do love my husband, I show my husband I love him through 'Acts of service': Being Financial independent, cooking, cleaning. We both work, but when he have overnight shift; I still wake up in the middle of the night to cook for him, so he can have hot food to eat when he come home.
I try to be an understanding wife, get along with his folks. Always put myself in his shoe and think of him in his situation. I put his mother needs above my own, etc...
My husband love language is "Physical touch". When I lay in bed, he would kiss my butt cheek. At first, I thought he only kiss it when I don't have anything on, but boy I was wrong!! Even when I have underwear or jeans on and if I’m laying in bed, he would still kiss my butt cheek.
Hubby didn't do anything kinky, he just put his lips on butt and give it a kiss.
But then why do I find it to be AWKWARD, and I'm not enjoying it? It is normal as a husband to do this?
He just like to kiss, too much kiss. Like would randomly come up and kiss my neck, face, and touch/kiss my hair. The ’touchy’ stuff. Yes, you read it correct, he kiss my buttock, and I find it AWKWARD! But I still let him do it because we're married. It this normal for a husband to do?
I just don't know how to reacts back to him the correct way. Anyone here have their husband do this to them, how do you react back?
Marriage life is fine so far. He thinks I'm a good wife, and he say he is happy. And I'm still trying to 'adapt' to this style of showing affection. I admit it kindda too affectionate for my taste. Considering my childhood experience and how I was raise; clearly I don't feel comfortable with receiving too much affection.
So what am I suppose to do? How to react back to his love language/love style? Any tips would be greatly appreciated. Will I eventually get used his affectionate style? So do I just let him do what he do and eventually I will get used to it and don't find it awkward anymore?
btw, he is an AWESOME husband, I have no regret married to him. The butt cheek kiss, he did this before when he was my BF, so it not something new.
But now as a husband, he doing it too often; everyday like whenever he get home and whenever he have the chance he would do it. Other women would giggles and enjoy it, but why I find it to be awkward and I feel kindda weird about it?
Acts of service is not affection, it's something you do because you live there, it's not really love, as it is doing your part. I feel for someone who doesn't know affection, how can you even shoe proper love without it. I'm rarely not kissing, or squeezing, or something.
I wouldn't be too concerned that a book says you don't have the same love language as your husband. Books say a lot of things.
I'm going to give you the advice that should be given to 98 percent of the people who come here for relationship help: communicate with your husband. Does he know about your background? Is he aware of your difficulty with physical affection?
Consider seeking marriage counseling, not because there is something wrong with your marriage (it sounds like he really loves you) but so you can learn to accept physical affection from him. there are therapists who specialize in sex and intimacy who can help you with these issues.
ETA: as for the butt kissing thing, my Bf does that too when we are lying in bed with him behind me cuddling. It's just a goofy thing to do, and we giggle about it.
Does he know about your background? Is he aware of your difficulty with physical affection?
I had talk to him about this, alot of times. Was he aware about my mother who belittle me, and emotionally abuse me throughout my childhood? Yes, he is fully aware. He know this when we were dating.
Was he aware that my Chinese mother refused to give us her blessing when we got married? Yes, he fully aware that too. He doesn't care what my mother say. He doesn't care about Not having a mother in-law.
It wasn't a smooth ride relationship, especially with my mother disapproval. Me not giving into him 100% on my emotions, and he invest his emotions in to keep it together. But we made it, we married now. I guess when a relationship take alot of hard work to be together, people will treasure it more.
Our intimacy life seem fine, sex is fine too. He getting all the sex he wants/needs. NEVER once, NEVER once I said 'No' to him when it come to sex. So he not missing out on sex, he get it everytime anyways. This is not about our 'in bed' life, it about his "physical touch" needs outside of sex. Like the random touching/kissing, kiss my butt cheek, etc...
I talk to him about this before. I told him that he married a Chinese wife who doesn't know how to be all over him, touching him and stuff. Hubby said that is fine, he give me the response/type of attitude that he doesn't want the girl to be all over him, but he wants to be the one that be all over the girl, you know what I mean?
He said he doesn't mind doing all the intiating, doesn't mind being the one doing the touching/kissing; he said he enjoy doing it. Some men like to chase, some men like to be dominant, some men like their wives passive. So my hubby is probably one of them?
I do show him affection, I mean I do kiss him and say 'I love you' to him. But I'm just NOT touchy like how he is. Overall, I'm just not a touchy type of person. I want him to feel love by his wife, I just don't know how to show it to him.
Hubby is the type of guy that doesn’t smile, always look serious and tough. Heck, he doesn’t smile to you unless your his family or friends. He smile to me because I'm his wife but still. Considering his rough upbringing, and all the 'street smart' he have, he is not the type of guy that you can walk all over.
Sometimes I still get nervous when he standing in front of me, I just don't know how to initiate things to him.
Overall, he is a very 'physical touch' guy, kiss too much. His routine, everytime he back from work, walk in the door, first thing is lift me up and give me a long kiss. Again, I find this to be awkward.
I’m 4’11, and hubby is 6’1, I seem ridiculously short next to him. Obviously we can’t even kiss standing normally. He always have to lift me up or bend down to kiss me. We have a huge height different between us, 14 inches difference.
Do you have any tips to make kissing less work for my husband?
It funny how my husband did not get down on his knee to propose, but then he doesn’t mind kneel down on his knee if that make me feel better about my height.
When we have serious talk, we can’t stand next to each others and talk. I am ridiculously short when stand next to him, I always have to look up to his face. I would make comments like: 'Your so tall, I have to look up in order to look in your eyes'. Then he would kneel down on one of his knee, so I don’t have to look up to him when I talk.
I know he doing this only to make me feel better about my height, I feel terrible.
Regarding the butt cheek kiss, I feel awkward and weird, I still feel like that. I don't know if this is what normally men do? Or it just something my husband do?
I have a bad habit of sleep/lay on my stomach when I'm in bed. And I know what he gonna do, so best not to let him see my butt when he around, or else he can’t keep his lips off it, Lol
I'm married for 3 weeks now. I should get used to this stuff, but I dunno why I'm still not used to it.
Hehe, that is nice that you and your BF still do goofy things. My husband doesn't do goofy things, he doesn't even smile in photos. We old too, I'm 30 and he 29, I don't know if we can do goofy stuff anymore, lol
I'm the sunshine smile, bubbly type of girl. And hubby nature is just serious, his childhood and his life struggle sure beat him up pretty hard but he survived.
I have talk to him about this, alot of times. Was he aware about my mother who belittle me, and emotionally abuse me throughout my childhood? Yes, he is fully aware. He know this when we were dating.
Was he aware that my Chinese mother refused to give us her blessing when we got married? Yes, he fully aware that too. He doesn't care what my mother say. He doesn't care about Not having a mother in-law.
It wasn't a smooth ride relationship, especially with my mother disapproval. Me not giving into him 100% on my emotions, and he invest his emotions in to keep it together. But we made it, we married now. I guess when a relationship take alot of hard work to be together, people will treasure it more.
Our intimacy life seem fine, sex is fine too. He getting all the sex he wants/needs. NEVER once, NEVER once I said 'No' to him when it come to sex. So he not missing out on sex, he get it everytime anyways. This is not about our 'in bed' life, it about his "physical touch" needs outside of sex. Like the random touching/kissing, kiss my butt cheek, etc...
I talk to him about this before. I told him that he married a Chinese wife who doesn't know how to be all over him, touching him and stuff. Hubby said that is fine, he give me the response/type of attitude that he doesn't want the girl to be all over him, but he wants to be the one that be all over the girl, you know what I mean?
He said he doesn't mind doing all the intiating, doesn't mind being the one doing the touching/kissing; he said he enjoy doing it. Some men like to chase, some men like to be dominant, some men like their wives passive. So my hubby is probably one of them?
I do show him affection, I mean I do kiss him and say 'I love you' to him. But I'm just NOT touchy like how he is. Overall, I'm just not a touchy type of person. I want him to feel love by his wife, I just don't know how to show it to him.
Hubby is the type of guy that doesn’t smile, always look serious and tough. Heck, he doesn’t smile to you unless your his family or friends. He smile to me because I'm his wife but still. Considering his rough upbringing, and all the 'street smart' he have, he is not the type of guy that you can walk all over. Sometimes I still get nervous when he standing in front of me, I just don't know how to initiate things to him.
Overall, he is a very 'physical touch' guy, kiss too much. His routine, everytime he back from work, walk in the door, first thing is lift me up and give me a long kiss. Again, I find this to be awkward.
I’m 4’11, and hubby is 6’1, I seem ridiculously short next to him. Obviously we can’t even kiss standing normally. He always have to lift me up or bend down to kiss me. We have a huge height different between us, 14 inches difference.
Do you have any tips to make kissing less work for my husband?
It funny how my husband did not get down on his knee to propose, but then he doesn’t mind kneel down on his knee if that make me feel better about my height.
When we have serious talk, we can’t stand next to each others and talk. I am ridiculously short when stand next to him, I always have to look up to his face. I would make comments like: 'Your so tall, I have to look up in order to look in your eyes'. Then he would kneel down on one of his knee, so I don’t have to look up to him when I talk.
I know he doing this only to make me feel better about my height, I feel terrible.
Regarding the butt cheek kiss, I feel awkward and weird, I still feel like that. I don't know if this is what normally men do? Or it just something my husband do?
I have a bad habit of sleep/lay on my stomach when I'm in bed. And I know what he gonna do, so best not to let him see my butt when he around, or else he can’t keep his lips off it, Lol
I'm married for 3 weeks now. I should get used to this stuff, but I dunno why I'm still not used to it.
Hehe, that is nice of you and your BF do goofy things. My husband doesn't do goofy things, he always serious. We old too, I'm 30 and he 29, I don't know if we can do goofy stuff anymroe, lol
I'm the sunshine smile, bubbly type of girl. And hubby nature is just serious, his childhood and his life struggle sure beat him up pretty bad but he survived.
I think you are being too hard on yourself. You've communicated with him and he is being patient. You can't beat yourself up just because you are feeling awkward. Your family deprived you of physical contact and it's going to take you some time to get use to showing it. Be patient with yourself!
I think it's very sweet that you are so concerned about your husbands comfort level, but I have a feeling he loves you so much that he is just happy to be kissing you.
If it really bothers you too much, try gradually showing him affection. Give him a hug when he is sitting and watching tv. Eventually you will get more and more comfortable.
It sounds like there is a lot of love between the two of you. As for the butt kiss, it sounds like he is being playful. If it bothers you too much, maybe ask him to stop.
Oh, and I am older than you guys! You are never too old to be playful!
I am sorry that you grew up in a home where displays of affection were not shown. That must have been extremely difficult for you.
You said the sex was fine and there are no issues with that and you asked what is the "norm". That is going to be different from one person to the next. What is "normal" sexual behavior for one may disgust another. What is important is that both people involved are comfortable. If one is doing something and the person on the receiving end of this expression of "love" and "desire" finds it strange and is doing it just to please the other one, while wondering about it and not feeling "right" about it then I believe it is important to communicate this. I have never had this done to me. I am not sure what my reaction would be. Believe me, I have had many other things partners have tried which have made me uncomfortable. When I was younger, sometimes I did participate and go along because I wanted that person to like/love me more. Now, if I am able to talk about it and be more honest about what happens in bed.
Another thing is...you mentioned you put your mother-in-law first. Why is that? You should put your own needs first. You are special and very important. I hope that you do not diminish your own self worth. It sounds like you are very devoted and do so much for your husband and that is a sign of love and being in love with someone (I don't care what another poster before me said which is contrary to that). The thing you mentioned which sounds like it bothers you the most about your marital relationship really sounds like something fairly minor in comparison to so many other problems newlyweds encounter and I hope that you and your husband can work through it. He probably is as eager to please you as you are to please him and unless you let him know that this is worrying you, there is no way for him to know.
Good luck to you and I wish you a very happy and satisfying relationship.
Being married to someone requires a lot of acceptance and adaptation. Perhaps you found your husband because something in your soul needs physical affection? It will be okay. At least you know it comes from a good place in his heart.
My husband needs physical touch too. I'm not a touchy person either, but it has been very easy for me to learn to reach out and give him more affectionate contact in the form of a hand on his arm or shoulder, regular full body hugs for no reason, cuddling for awhile before sleeping, and other easy touches beyond our "marital relations". He needs it.
Consider this to be a challenge in service, if that is your language. Touch your husband more, in the same way you put love into cooking for him. It will become more natural with practice.
I kiss my wife's butt all the time. (Literally and figuratively.) OP, it is not uncommon for guys to like that sort of thing. Sometimes our SO's posterior just drives us absolutely crazy! I realize this is an adjustment for you, but do what you can to embrace it because it is natural, I dare say instinctive behavior on your husband's part.
It sounds overall like you're off to a good start, you just have some differences in how you show affection and communicate. This is something that can be overcome the longer you are together. You'll learn each other's nuances and what makes each other work, or what doesn't. But be careful to approach from a position of understanding or willingness to learn! These types of differences can easily derail a marriage if one party feels they are not getting out of the marriage everything they feel they should.
I also feel bad for the way you were raised without much affection. You have a new life now with a new husband and what is important is your life now...The Love Languages book you talk about does not expect a couple to have the same love language, in fact from what I remember reading it is more common for most couples to NOT have the same love language but to recognize what your SO likes and that he knows what speaks love to you. I am a touch person, my husband is a spend time together person. The problems arise when you don't recognize what the other persons love language is. There are many times he will be working in the garage or taking the dog for a walk and he wants me to come along. I am usually doing other things in the house but knowing it is important to him I stop what I am doing and join him. I think it is very rare that a couple would have the same love language....
In your situation hopefully you will learn to love the physical attention from him. It sounds like he is a mans man and so his way of showing tenderness is through touch. Think of it as getting the attention that lacked physically in your childhood. His hugs and kisses are a way for him to show you he loves you without saying it...
Congratulations on your marriage!! I hope both of you will continue to be newlyweds to each other!!!
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