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Ask yourself, what purpose would it serve for others to know? That's a huge burden for her as every time she sees your folks she going to think about it.
Would you tell your bf/gf you were physically abused as a child by your parents, especially if you want your bf/gf to form their own opinions of/like them?
Honestly, they are not going to form their own opinion on that at all if you tell them you were abused. It's a tricky question that really no one on a random internet board could rightly answer without knowing more detail. At the very least, when to tell would seem like it would be counted in months if not years. Depends on the case.
Not sure if this is a hypithetical situation or not, but it would also depends on how the OP got along with that parent now. So folks grow up and forgive their abuser.
Ask yourself, what purpose would it serve for others to know? That's a huge burden for her as every time she sees your folks she going to think about it.
If you are reaching the point where you expect or plan to ask for exclusivity, it's probably time. Mostly, I'd want to know how it could affect the relationship, and whether the issues were dealt with via therapy, etc. If there are intimacy, anger, or sexual issues as a lasting result, I feel I should know if and how they can affect our relationship. I want to decide if they are things I can work with or not.
Ask yourself, what purpose would it serve for others to know? That's a huge burden for her as every time she sees your folks she going to think about it.
A significant other is not the same as "others".
Once you are in a relationship you become partners, teammates.
It would be unwise, and unfair to the team, for someone to hide this kind of info from their partner.
Would you tell your bf/gf you were physically abused as a child by your parents, especially if you want your bf/gf to form their own opinions of/like them?
Probably not until very very far into a relationship. I mean YEARS. There are a lot of reasons for waiting. But, to address your specific question:
Asking someone to form their own opinions of someone with such knowledge is impossible.
Think about it this way: If your s/o told you his father beat him, would you EVER think well of his father? Probably not.
However, if you feel that your s/o should he aware of why a dynamic exists between you and a parent, I would probably lightly touch on it is this manner:
"My parent(s) and I have had a lot of ups and downs throughout our relationship. Some mistakes have been made that have been difficult to overcome."
If the s/o doesn't take the hint to leave the topic alone, as they may now be rightfully curious, I would follow up with somethin like,
"There are some issues between my parent(s) and I that have put a strain on our relationship. At this time in the relationship, I am not ready to discuss why. I hope that you can respect that my relationship with my parent(s) is complicated."
If you REALLY REALLY need to feel like sharing exactly what happened, at a later date, then go ahead. But sharing this kind of info with someone who is clueless about such a situation will most likely struggle to understand the situation.
The older I get, the more I realize that many many people out there can't(don't) understand certain traumas in life, and they are just better off not knowing about them altogether.
Those traumas do not make you who you are.
And also, some people actually judge you for such traumas, regardless of the situation.
I think it is one of the more difficult decisions to make in a LTR. "Do I tell my s/o about WXYZ ?"
I am at a point in my life that I don't even feel the need to disclose certain details of my past. But everyone is different.
Last edited by AverageGuy2006; 09-27-2013 at 10:36 AM..
I think once you feel like they need to know or you trust them enough to tell them.
I wasn't abused as a child, but suffered from a violent rape while in college. I would tell my boyfriends before we got to the point of sleeping together, because I felt like it was information that they needed to know in order to best understand me as a person. I've had some men be weirded out by my revelation and leave. I never saw it as a bad thing to tell them, I was glad that I got to know their character before becoming intimate.
My current boyfriend shared with me his pain over the loss of an infant child early in our relationship. I think he wanted me to understand how he felt, as he was about to gain a new nephew and while he was excited about it, it reminded him of his personal loss.
So I guess my answer is when you feel like they need to know. I'd probably tell him about it, so he understands why you may not be as close to your parents or may keep a bit of distance beteen yourself and them. I'd preface that you may/may not hold it against them, but it turned you into who you are now and you may/may not see that they were doing their best even if it was wrong because they may have learned such behavior from their parents, etc.
I think once you feel like they need to know or you trust them enough to tell them.
I wasn't abused as a child, but suffered from a violent rape while in college. I would tell my boyfriends before we got to the point of sleeping together, because I felt like it was information that they needed to know in order to best understand me as a person. I've had some men be weirded out by my revelation and leave. I never saw it as a bad thing to tell them, I was glad that I got to know their character before becoming intimate.
My current boyfriend shared with me his pain over the loss of an infant child early in our relationship. I think he wanted me to understand how he felt, as he was about to gain a new nephew and while he was excited about it, it reminded him of his personal loss.
So I guess my answer is when you feel like they need to know. I'd probably tell him about it, so he understands why you may not be as close to your parents or may keep a bit of distance beteen yourself and them. I'd preface that you may/may not hold it against them, but it turned you into who you are now and you may/may not see that they were doing their best even if it was wrong because they may have learned such behavior from their parents, etc.
I am so sorry for what you suffered at the hands of some scumbag predator
But I love your attitude and outlook, good for you.
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