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My parents love me unconditionally, but are conservative Christians - even 10 years after I came out of the closet to them, they still haven't come around on this issue. Somehow we've managed to maintain a close relationship all these years, and I organize and pay for our family vacations every other year.
We live on opposite sides of the country, so I usually go visit them at least once a year every Christmas. But they refuse to spend any time with my boyfriend for fear of being seen as endorsing our relationship, so last year I spent Christmas with my boyfriend's family instead. The understanding is that I'll visit my parents every 2nd Christmas moving forward, provided that I see them at least one other time on the years that I'm not seeing them for Christmas.
My boyfriend says that the 50/50 split is only fair if my parents allowed us to visit them as a couple rather than just me alone. He thinks I should visit my parents only every 3rd Christmas to incentivize them to end this needless imposition. On one hand I already visited them briefly on a July trip with friends and they visited me in May already, so 3 times this year might be a bit much, but skipping 2 Christmases might be a bit harsh considering I barely spent any time with my brother's new baby in July. Thoughts?
My parents love me unconditionally, but are conservative Christians - even 10 years after I came out of the closet to them, they still haven't come around on this issue. Somehow we've managed to maintain a close relationship all these years, and I organize and pay for our family vacations every other year.
We live on opposite sides of the country, so I usually go visit them at least once a year every Christmas. But they refuse to spend any time with my boyfriend for fear of being seen as endorsing our relationship, so last year I spent Christmas with my boyfriend's family instead. The understanding is that I'll visit my parents every 2nd Christmas moving forward, provided that I see them at least one other time on the years that I'm not seeing them for Christmas.
My boyfriend says that the 50/50 split is only fair if my parents allowed us to visit them as a couple rather than just me alone. He thinks I should visit my parents only every 3rd Christmas to incentivize them to end this needless imposition. On one hand I already visited them briefly on a July trip with friends and they visited me in May already, so 3 times this year might be a bit much, but skipping 2 Christmases might be a bit harsh considering I barely spent any time with my brother's new baby in July. Thoughts?
I understand your boyfriend’s feelings but if you otherwise have a good relationship with your family despite their views, I wouldn’t damage that relationship over a boyfriend. Maybe not even over a husband. At the end of the day I think you should approach your family in whatever way you feel comfortable with - I wouldn’t let my significant other influence that too much. Think about it from the opposite perspective- you spend 95% of your time with your boyfriend. I think it’s reasonable to spend the other 5% with family, even if it isn’t with your boyfriend. Every other Christmas seems fair to me. Unless your family is really toxic, I think they win over a significant other, especially a boyfriend.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,699 posts, read 41,733,093 times
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My question is why visit them at all if they don’t accept your boyfriend? If you can’t accept my partner who is an important and critical part of my existence, I don’t need to be darkening your door IMO. They want to play hardball, play it back.
Why not skip the holidays entirely with your family? Go see them on their birthdays or some other random days.
You are letting them have too much control, imho. Have you had this bf for ten years? Am I right in thinking he's a big part of your life and not something casual? Will your parents come visit you at all?
My parents love me unconditionally, but are conservative Christians - even 10 years after I came out of the closet to them, they still haven't come around on this issue. Somehow we've managed to maintain a close relationship all these years, and I organize and pay for our family vacations every other year.
We live on opposite sides of the country, so I usually go visit them at least once a year every Christmas. But they refuse to spend any time with my boyfriend for fear of being seen as endorsing our relationship, so last year I spent Christmas with my boyfriend's family instead. The understanding is that I'll visit my parents every 2nd Christmas moving forward, provided that I see them at least one other time on the years that I'm not seeing them for Christmas.
My boyfriend says that the 50/50 split is only fair if my parents allowed us to visit them as a couple rather than just me alone. He thinks I should visit my parents only every 3rd Christmas to incentivize them to end this needless imposition. On one hand I already visited them briefly on a July trip with friends and they visited me in May already, so 3 times this year might be a bit much, but skipping 2 Christmases might be a bit harsh considering I barely spent any time with my brother's new baby in July. Thoughts?
I love that you care about their feelings.
I hope you and your boyfriend find a mutually beneficial arrangement.
Boyfriends (and girlfriends) come and go. Parents raised us. For better and for worse they're physically a part of us forever. Unless they're monsters they deserve our recognition as the people who fed us, clothed us, saw to our education, changed our diapers and much more.
Do they disappoint us? Do we disappoint them? Of course.
However, parents won't be around forever, when they're gone what regrets will we have in regards to our treatment of them.
I can certainly understand your irritation with your parent's attitude but try to be understanding of them as well.
It seems like you have a pretty good schedule of Christmas visits with your parents. Stick with it until if or when you feel so resentful you just can't manage it.
But keep in mind you will be the one who cares for them at the end of their lives. It's a solemn responsibility that will make you feel good that you did the right thing for them. I did this several years back, it's profoundly moving.
From the information you've given there's nothing really wrong with things as they stand.
My parents love me unconditionally, but are conservative Christians - even 10 years after I came out of the closet to them, they still haven't come around on this issue. Somehow we've managed to maintain a close relationship all these years, and I organize and pay for our family vacations every other year.
We live on opposite sides of the country, so I usually go visit them at least once a year every Christmas. But they refuse to spend any time with my boyfriend for fear of being seen as endorsing our relationship, so last year I spent Christmas with my boyfriend's family instead. The understanding is that I'll visit my parents every 2nd Christmas moving forward, provided that I see them at least one other time on the years that I'm not seeing them for Christmas.
My boyfriend says that the 50/50 split is only fair if my parents allowed us to visit them as a couple rather than just me alone. He thinks I should visit my parents only every 3rd Christmas to incentivize them to end this needless imposition. On one hand I already visited them briefly on a July trip with friends and they visited me in May already, so 3 times this year might be a bit much, but skipping 2 Christmases might be a bit harsh considering I barely spent any time with my brother's new baby in July. Thoughts?
I would see them as often as I felt the need. Sorry bf or SO doesnt tell me how often often I can see my family. I’d talk with them and try to be understanding, but if they made an ultimatum I’m choosing the family I care about. That’s just how I see it. I also wouldn’t force my SO to do this or that with his family because I don’t think it’s my place.
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