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I am hoping people with similar experiences will chime in.
We get along great. He is very intelligent, a unique person, funny, very thoughtful, caring, considerate and a dynamo physically (well, you know). He loves me very much and wants a future with me. And I love him (but not sure about that 'future' thing). We have spent a lot of time together over the last few months.
Dum du dummm, cue the ominous music.
He thinks it's important that we spend time with each others' families, and I don't disagree. I enjoy spending time with people of all ages, and I work with kids, and love hanging around with them. He has 4 kids, ranging from a 10 year old son to 2 girls in college. Their mom abandoned the family 2 years ago, served their dad with papers one year later, and the divorce is final. I have 3 adult aged kids, whom I adore. I am very close to my kids, although they live far away.
So this weekend we went to his family 'camp' (what they call a cabin here). There were a lot of chores to do. I have to admit I was clenching my jaw that my guy was working like a dog while his 2 boys, the 10 year old and 16 year old, basically lazed. But really what was distressing was that the teenager gave me the stink-eye every time I made the mistake of glancing at him. He was openly rude if I asked him a question. One daughter (freshman in college) has also been rude to me on the phone.
Yes, I am being a tad sensitive. But I just feel like I don't need and deserve this, you know? I care about the kids and their dad, but I'm not going to be treated disrespectfully.
I talked to him about this during the weekend, and he knows the teenage son has problems and is very withdrawn. I say he only has 2 more years with this kid and he better get to know him. My guy wants to spend evenings with me, but I say he needs to be home with the kids because they only have one parent now. And I just can't feel comfortable at their house.
What do you think? Is there hope here? Should I cut my losses and get out? I care, but I also want to relax and have fun and not have to tiptoe around a teenager.
What else do you see that I'm missing? Thanks for any insights.
In life, timing is everything.
And right now is just not the time for romance for this guy.
I'd keep things very casual, and only see him when his kids have other things going on.
Don't do anymore weekends together with the kids either - bad idea.
If there really is going to be a "future" for you two, it will still be there in a couple of years when his family life has stabilized.
Right now, don't tempt him to lose his focus, which should be on his kids.
Thank you so very much all of you for weighing in on this. You are saying many of the things I have already been thinking, and actually talking about with him.
This:
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981
If you care enough, try put yourself in this 16 year old's shoes.
His family was torn apart. Nobody really cared to talk to him about it or really what he thought about it. He got no opinion, no voting right in his dad's choice of girlfriend. Adults just try to put it all in the past and move on and start dating and building new lives, but teenagers are not adults no matter how tough they pretend to be.
Not to mention the fellow is 16. Puberty, dating, girls, all those physical changes, stress can be overwhelming. And now, the father is dating a new woman. It is a lot for him to deal with.
If you care, try giving the kid some time. well, kill him with kindness if you can. He will eventually warm up. (I hope.)
Otherwise, break up the relationship early. Either way, good luck to you.
I have said almost this exact thing to him word for word -- your first 2 paragraphs. I absolutely agree with this.
I have tried the 'killing with kindness', because that's how you would be naturally with kids anyway, but it seems the nicer I am, the more disrespectful he is. But you are right.
And right now is just not the time for romance for this guy.
I'd keep things very casual, and only see him when his kids have other things going on.
Don't do anymore weekends together with the kids either - bad idea.
If there really is going to be a "future" for you two, it will still be there in a couple of years when his family life has stabilized.
Right now, don't tempt him to lose his focus, which should be on his kids.
Totally correct, and I agree. I don't think we can do the 'casual' thing, this man is passionate in every way. What complicates things too is that we have been working in the same office, and sometimes it's just the two of us.
You might try getting to know the older kids a bit more, individual lunches with them or something, see what their concerns are. They might need to hear you say that you never want to replace their mom, for example.
The two oldest are college girls, away at school. There is never time for what you suggest NilaJones, but it's a great thought.
This is really tragic, but the three oldest (including the 16-yr.-old) do not speak to or see their mom at all whatsoever. She abandoned them in every way that can be meant. She comes from a wealthy family and came into a huge inheritance, which was earmarked for the kids' college (they both agreed on that). Not a dime has financed anything for the kids at all. She lives locally, so distance is not a factor. But she has a serious prescription drug problem and is not cogent.
It's a terrible situation. I do love this man, but I don't know how much more of my life, love, and energy I can devote to this relationship to continue to be punished for the sins of the mother who left.
OP, has your boyfriend talked to his kids about not being disrespectful to you?
It's easy to say, "poor kids, they've been through a lot," but does that ever excuse treating another person poorly? Now is the time they should learn that life is not always going to be peachy, but being a sourpuss isn't going to get them anywhere.
I don't get guys like this
HE needs to nut up and tell his kids to respect and like you. It was their MOM who left out on him (if what you say is correct), they should be welcoming a decent woman coming into their father's life. It's their mom they should be pissed at.
And right now is just not the time for romance for this guy.
The mom just left him. This is EXACTLY the time for romance for this guy. I don't know who you people are, aliens or something, but people need people in their lives, a rock they can depend on.
Queen Victoria was so devastated when Arthur died, she didn't leave the castle or whatever for 10 years. She loved on him and depended on him that much. He was her rock.
Is it just me, or is there a huge theme on this forum where it's all about YOURSELF, and dropping other people quickly and not making a commitment?
I don't get guys like this
HE needs to nut up and tell his kids to respect and like you. It was their MOM who left out on him (if what you say is correct), they should be welcoming a decent woman coming into their father's life. It's their mom they should be pissed at.
What is there not to get? Do you do everything your parents tell you to do? Some people think kids are just extensions of their parents.
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