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It’s a very long story so I will do my best to keep this short.
Met A Oct 2016 and immediately felt something I never have and I’ve dated and been with a lot of women. She’s a modern dancer and Pilates instructor. I work in finance on a trading desk. A happens to be my best friends girlfriends sister. I live with my best friend and A lives with her sister. Yes it’s a complicated dynamic.
She had a bf at the time, a month after they broke up A and I slept together for the first time. My roommate didn’t want it to continue and her sister told A she couldn’t date me. Every time we saw each other there was intense chemistry. 5 months later she’s “hooking up” w/ some kid and we end up sleeping together and both admit there’s something between us and want to date. Roommate and gf break up that week and we agree that we can’t see each other. A month later they’re back together so A and I start talking again, see each other, make plans to hang out. Apparently she’s been seeing somebody from out of town for a month or so, she cancels plans on me. About 2 weeks later she dumps him and hits me up, we start dating. We date for 3 months, very intensely. No official talks or anything but going on dates and sleeping at each other’s places 3-4 times a week. I’m under the impression she is crazy in love with me and we’re about to get serious. She goes away on a family trip, everything seems great, she comes back, we hang out a few times and less than a week later she blindside dumps me saying she’s not ready for a serious relationship and we’re in different places in life and she’s not ready to fall in love (she’s 23 turning 24 at the time I’m 27). I’m destroyed by the break up.
After this the following events take place: We sleep together 2 months later 2 weekends in a row, she flakes on 2 things with me, I find out she’s hooking up with one of my good friends roommates, she brings some kid she apparently hooked up with on that fam trip (we weren’t exclusive at the time though I thought we were about to be) to a friends party where I am (she winds up calling me the next day apologizing), she starts coming around more and we become “friendly” again and this brings us to this past July.
She’s leaving for a 3 week trip, we sleep together the night before she leaves. I think it’s just a one time thing and plan to use the 3 weeks to try and really get over her bc to that point I had not moved on. To my surprise while she’s in Italy she begins texting me and we start talking. She gets back and we start hooking up again pretty much every week for the next 2 months. During this time she’s telling my best friend she’s not ready for a relationship but likes me likes hanging out with me etc. after 2 months of this everything changes and she says she wants to be with me. “You’re special to me, being away from you made me realize I want to be with you, I’ve been an idiot, I’m done being scared, you make me happy, you’re the only one I want and will be exclusive to you and give you my whole heart and when you’re ready you can give me yours (I told her I want to give it a shot also but she’d have to prove herself and get my trust back after everything that had happened)” are things she said.
We started dating again. Again very intensely off the bat. Quickly she introduces me to her whole family. Talks of future plans like trips and owning a dog together. Everything seems like a fairytale once again. She tells me she loves me first. Eventually I tell her I love her too a few weeks later. We have a few small fights this time due to some of my trust issues with her so it’s not all perfect but I was working on it and she was doing her best to help as well. I’m under the impression everything is great though, we love each other and that’s only growing stronger, we have a whole future coming to us. She invites me on her families Christmas vacation. I’m ecstatic, the girl I’ve been wanting back this whole time is telling me she loves me and pushing the pace of the relationship. I’d say about 4 or 5 days into the 7 day trip she starts acting weird, distant, I ask her whats wrong and she says everything is fine, eventually snapping at me at dinner our last night (I tell her not to snap at me), something is seriously off so I try to give her space.
2 days after we get back she breaks up with me. Reasons she gave:
- She said it all started about 3 weeks before this, we woke up together, she was getting ready to leave, I kissed her cheek, and she started doubting or being unsure. She pushed them aside and felt better about everything and then they came back on vacation
- said I deserve somebody who loves me as much as I love her
- loves me but isn’t in love with me and really wants to be (Dont understand how she can say this and have looked at me the way she did, smile/laugh the way she did, show the affection she did, say the things she did. What girl is texting her bf at 1am on a Tuesday night just to tell him how much she loves him if shes not in love with him)
- I love her too much
- we see the future differently (which I said we’ve barely spoken about that) so she changed it to we want different things because were different people, that she’s more free spirited and wild and spontaneous and I’m more planned and organized and like to plan my fun
- said I hold her down (I said I’ve never once stopped you from doing anything you’ve wanted to do) she said whenever I want to do something I feel like I have to see if you can do it too then said that didn’t come out right
- said I base too many decisions on her decisions
- said I only do things she wants to do then said but then again you’re so easy going you’d always do something I want to do but she doesn’t want that for me
- said that I did things for her that made her think “don’t do that for me”
- said she’s unhappy sometimes (which kills/confuses me because she always seemed extremely happy when with me)
- that we were falling into the relationship at diff rates
- when I said let’s take some space and talk about these things that she’s never once mentioned anything to me about what’s bothering her making her unhappy she said what’s the point these feelings will just come back and there’s nothing I can do
I am so beyond confused and hurt. I know things were not perfect but it felt like we were completely in love with each other with so much to come that we were both excited about, that we had an incredible connection and out of nowhere this is what happened after everything we’ve been through. No difficult conversations of her telling me things that are bothering her or making her unhappy.
3 weeks later and it appears she’s completely moved on and doesn’t have a morsel of feelings left for me.
What the hell could have happened? I don’t get how we can be on such drastically different pages and me have no idea? I don’t know if she’s not a good person (my roommates tells me she always breaks guys hearts), if she’s just too young and immature for a real relationship with me (she just turned 25 and I turned 29), or if we’re somehow incompatible? (Though I never felt we were incompatible at all, different types of people yes in some aspects but had a ton in common and really thought we fit great together). Maybe she's a narcissist/has commitment issues/is BPD?
I’ll provide any missing details if you ask because there’s a ton I skipped. It feels like she had a few days of perfectly normal doubts/uncertainties and let them get away from her and when we were on a pretty intense vacation together she let little things get under her skin. Im most upset about the fact that she never came to me with what was bothering her. I’m just so beyond confused and was hoping for some insight.
- said I base too many decisions on her decisions
- said I only do things she wants to do then said but then again you’re so easy going you’d always do something I want to do but she doesn’t want that for me
- said that I did things for her that made her think “don’t do that for me”
These statements reveal the problem you are having. Which is that she often feels you are doing things for her, or because of her, and not for yourself. She doesn't want that. She doesn't need that.
Being "so easy going you’d always do something I want to do" feels to her like a feminine trait, which is not attractive. This doesn't mean becoming a dictator in the relationship.
Women are attracted to men with a strong life purpose, so strong no women can sway it away from him. When you keep trying please her, it comes across as seeking approval. She doesn't want to deal with that.
I agree, that she's not really stable. She called it "being a free spirit". But look at all the casual hookups she got into, while dating you, while in-between dating you, whenever. She's not into having a serious, exclusive relationship. She's simply not able to commit to it, and keep to the commitment.
When people tell you who they are/how they are, believe them.
She probably really, really liked you, but then would get distracted by some kid who walked by, who appealed to her.
She also sounds moody, even though neither you nor she called it that. Which comes back to her being unstable.
Rx: Lick wounds, move on to the best of your ability. Don't look back, unless you want more of the same.
I guess I looked at her past that I knew well enough and saw she had a few serious relationships (although in HS and college) and thought she was the type of girl that liked being in a relationship and was truly committed once she was in one.
I thought the rest of her behavior was just a young, attractive girl being single in a big city
I was blindsided because even after we broke up the first time, based on what my friend was telling me and us continually hooking up and having this connection every time we saw each other, combined with my knowledge of her past, and her coming on so strong saying things like, “I never stopped thinking about you while we were apart”, “Being away from you made me know I want to be with you”, “You’re different and special to me compared to everybody else”, and then following up with actions showing commitment like introducing me to her family and friends, meeting my family, inviting me on her family vacation, had me thinking she was over the running around phase, felt the same connection I did, and truly wanted to be with me.
The entire time we were together she seemed completely in love with me, was super attentive, affectionate, caring. Always smiling, laughing, lighting up around me. Wanting to hang out or go out and do things. Telling me her life secrets, coming to me for support. Telling me how much she loves me. She never waivered, showed any hesitation or even hinted at anything being wrong until the last 2 days we were together.
Maybe I’m just naive and believed that I was different to her and things would be different with me. That this connection I thought we had was unique. I think a lot had to do with my knowledge that she had serious relationships in her past and seemed like the type of girl that took committed relationships seriously
I’m also having a very tough time reconciling the person that I thought I knew and had a relationship with, compared to the person she has shown me that she might truly be.
I’m not sure if she isn’t a nice/considerate person or if these things that she has done are one-offs and due to her being a young single girl.
I know this is messed up but I can’t stop making this about me. I often think and question, “why wasn’t I and/or the relationship enough to make this girl want to be with me in the way I wanted to be with her?”
I guess I looked at her past that I knew well enough and saw she had a few serious relationships (although in HS and college) and thought she was the type of girl that liked being in a relationship and was truly committed once she was in one.
I thought the rest of her behavior was just a young, attractive girl being single in a big city
I've dated girls who are young, attractive, and single who live in a city, and who were nothing like the girl you're describing. Sleeping around casually, sleeping with others while dating you... many people just aren't like that. It's got nothing to do with looks and everything to do with the type of person they are, and what their experiences in their early years were like.
In the future I would suggest being more wary of dating somebody who hooks up so thoughtlessly, unless you prefer to be with somebody like that. I can't say that she'll never change, but it's not likely that being around her more will result in her changing.
I've dated girls who are young, attractive, and single who live in a city, and who were nothing like the girl you're describing. Sleeping around casually, sleeping with others while dating you... many people just aren't like that. It's got nothing to do with looks and everything to do with the type of person they are, and what their experiences in their early years were like.
In the future I would suggest being more wary of dating somebody who hooks up so thoughtlessly, unless you prefer to be with somebody like that. I can't say that she'll never change, but it's not likely that being around her more will result in her changing.
OP, when you described her in your most recent post, it sounded like you were talking about a different person, than the one you outlined earlier (encapsulated in the bolded passage). You tend to edit out the red flags, and remember mainly the warm, fuzzy, cuddly parts of the story.
You were "blindsided", because you weren't paying attention to the negative parts of the picture; you edited them out, or discounted them as not important. They were right in front of you, but you dismissed them. Your mind emphasized the parts of her behavior and words that you really wanted to hear. Now, you're left wondering why you were "blindsided".
OP, when you described her in your most recent post, it sounded like you were talking about a different person, than the one you outlined earlier (encapsulated in the bolded passage). You tend to edit out the red flags, and remember mainly the warm, fuzzy, cuddly parts of the story.
You were "blindsided", because you weren't paying attention to the negative parts of the picture; you edited them out, or discounted them as not important. They were right in front of you, but you dismissed them. Your mind emphasized the parts of her behavior and words that you really wanted to hear. Now, you're left wondering why you were "blindsided".
If that sounds like a completely different person to you based on the brief explanation and story I've provided imagine being me.
I really just thought I was different to her. I thought she felt the same crazy connection I did. I thought that's why she came back to me with such certainty and commitment. She certainly acted like she did. But obviously I was wrong.
As I've said I'm having a really tough time reconciling who this person is. I guess I have to accept that these bad things she has done are in fact part of who she is as a person and stop remembering the loving, affectionate, sweet girl that she was when dating me. Even though the quantity of good times with her outnumber the instances of messed up things she's done, the negatives are not small things and should out weigh the good.
As I've said I'm having a really tough time reconciling who this person is. I guess I have to accept that these bad things she has done are in fact part of who she is as a person and stop remembering the loving, affectionate, sweet girl that she was when dating me. Even though the quantity of good times with her outnumber the instances of messed up things she's done, the negatives are not small things and should out weigh the good.
It's tough to get that to sink in and accept it.
I don't think you have to stop remembering the good things. But you have to recognize that both aspects of her are a part of her, and not just the good parts.
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