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Feeling really ****ty about myself and what I've done. I'm an idiot. All the happy memories are now tainted and ruined to her.
But there is also a part of me that has had the thought, she DID a number of really truly messed up things to me (a couple that I did not detail in any of my posts), I SAID a couple of very mean words to her in front of people, I shouldn't feel like such a horrible human being. But here I am still feeling bad about myself and still sad about the losing this girl and this relationship and now adding this on top of it. I don't know why I can't get it to click that she is somebody I should want nothing to do with. Why I can't actually hate her or even be angry at her.
I mostly feel stupid and embarrassed though. Regardless of what has happened between us, I should have been the bigger person and not said a word to her. I know what I did was ultimately the wrong thing to do. I'm trying not to beat myself up too much and remind myself that these have been my friends for almost 20 years, they all talked about it yesterday and maybe will today and then that'll be it, they're still my friends and love me.
I will continue to be the good person I know that I am and not make a mistake like this again.
I am sad that we probably would have been able to be friends down the road but now I don't think so. She was a very important person and part of my life (despite the messed up things that happened) and now I did this... I woke up holding a pillow and my immediate thought was a flash in my mind of holding her and kissing her shoulder like I used to and how much I miss her. Wow, I'm really messed up. I don't know how I got here...
It happens, OP. People go through painful breakups, they become attached to the warm body sleeping next to them, and go through grief when that's gone, they freak when their beloved not only breaks up with them, but moves on to someone else immediately, it's all pretty common. Give yourself time to get over it. If you give yourself time, but still feel "stuck", consider getting some counseling sessions for help to move beyond this, but also to discuss how to avoid being blindsided in the future. Having someone to talk to about it could be a big help.
It happens, OP. People go through painful breakups, they become attached to the warm body sleeping next to them, and go through grief when that's gone, they freak when their beloved not only breaks up with them, but moves on to someone else immediately, it's all pretty common. Give yourself time to get over it. If you give yourself time, but still feel "stuck", consider getting some counseling sessions for help to move beyond this, but also to discuss how to avoid being blindsided in the future. Having someone to talk to about it could be a big help.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
You're human. That's how.
Just don't make any decisions in the next few weeks, and don't contact her. Get your **** together, and slowly you will get over this.
I just want to thank both of you for consistently responding to my posts. It's been therapeutic and makes me feel less alone in this. I come back and read the things said to remind myself the reality of the situation to counterbalance the fantasy I still have in my head.
I have been getting counseling and have picked up multiple new hobbies but I am still stuck. This had all happened a couple of months before I initially posted, I was just dealing with so much grief and questioning things I sought answers and support online.
I don't know why I got so attached to this one girl out of all of them but it feels like I'm never going to move on. I wanted it to work so so badly and in my heart and soul felt us being together was so right. And I get that some of her actions when we were not dating/together should say something to me, but when we were together, especially the second time when she committed to me, the way she looked at me, the things she said, the way she acted, it felt like she felt the exact same way. I have thought about her every single day for almost 2 years, she was the first girl I loved and I thought loved me, how am I supposed to stop thinking about somebody that, for me, has been such a significant person in my life? I think the toughest part is letting go.
I really really regret doing what I did this weekend. I was always the bigger, nicer person, always treating her well and with respect despite all of the drama, now I've done this. I can never take that back.
Don't say never, I know it's hard to hear it, but time does incredible things... it even heals the deepest wounds sometimes, related to love or not. As a proof, we all have first loves, but if you ask me now if I'd rather go with my first love or the person I love today, I'd say I'm happier with the person I love right now, as this is the reality. At that time, I thought the world would be ending. Give it time, move on, you have a bright future and you have to believe it. Next time, you'll know what to do and not to do.
Well yesterday she came to one of my friends birthdays when she was told not to. I couldn't help myself but to confront her and say why the f are you here? This quickly devolved into a loud argument. I was telling her to respect my space, that nobody wants her there, to get her own friends, that she's a horrible person, god knows what else. It was a scene. It ended with us in the streets and me yelling at her that she's a w***e and a c**t in front of all of my friends. Although getting all tough with me, she apparently cried afterwards. She texted me saying delete my number, I hate you.
A piece of me is happy that I finally got to unleash on her and tell her off, especially about her being a horrible person and a w***e. A part of me is happy that I was no longer this sad broken puppy dog that she probably thought would always be on the hook for her. But I'm also feeling pretty silly about the way I acted. I shouldn't have said a word to her unless she approached me. I shouldn't have called her a c**t, especially yelling it in a street in front of all my friends and their SOs. Part of me is sad that this likely closes the door for any friendship, any fbw, pretty much anything in the future. I guess part of me is disappointed I can no longer say I was always nothing but nice and good to her even when we weren't together. Sad that if she were to ever think of me now, this would likely be what she remembers and not the loving happy times we had together. Even though I said all these mean things to her, I still can't find it in me to truly hate her. I'm still sad that we're not together and miss her and what we had. For some reason the fact she said "I hate you" is cutting pretty deep for me.Just feeling a whole bunch of emotions about the whole situation.
I'm thinking about sending her an email apologizing but I'm not sure if I should or not...
You know what? Maybe this was your subconcious way of making the final, permanent, no-going-back break that you needed to do. Like, maybe you knew in your heart you had to burn that bridge to ashes.
Don't be sad. What's done is done, and now...not much chance at all that you'll slide back. You can only move forward from here. ;-)
Don't say never, I know it's hard to hear it, but time does incredible things... it even heals the deepest wounds sometimes, related to love or not. As a proof, we all have first loves, but if you ask me now if I'd rather go with my first love or the person I love today, I'd say I'm happier with the person I love right now, as this is the reality. At that time, I thought the world would be ending. Give it time, move on, you have a bright future and you have to believe it. Next time, you'll know what to do and not to do.
Logically I know everybody has breakups and they move on and so I should be able to do the same. The emotions I literally feel running through me are so much stronger than the logic. No matter what I consciously tell myself, "she's not a good person, she's done a,b,c. You shouldn't want to be with a person like that. She's selfish, self-absorbed, maybe narcissistic. You were the perfect boyfriend. etc" it doesn't matter, it doesn't click, it doesn't sink in. All there is, is this void in my heart and soul, and I'm incredibly sad she's gone from my life.
For most people though (and again I know I'm not the only one in history here), they find their first love earlier in life, usually as a teenager in High School or maybe in college, when you're not nearly who you're going to be or know what you want in life, you're not ready to settle, there's still a big world out there to explore and adulthood isn't a concept that truly means something at that time. It's also so much easier to move on from a relationship at that time in life. You have a million things going on socially, school work, huge group of single friends to go out with etc.
I met A, the first girl I loved, at 27 and now I'm 29. I have a career, I live by myself, pay my bills, for the most part am a developed adult, and am ready to settle down. I know for the most part who I am, what I want to do and the kind of life I want. I think what I'm trying to say is that for me, this wasn't some relationship that I was just biding my time with, having fun with, exploring myself more with, growing up with, I played the field, dated around and saw what was out there, what I like and don't like. I'm not sure the right phrases to use here but hopefully what I am trying to say is being conveyed. I thought I was an adult at this mature juncture in my life, dating another adult that although was younger, wanted an adult relationship. Maybe if she didn't want the commitment and label and all the other more serious things she brought to the relationship and we were just hanging out and seeing where things went, it'd be a little easier to swallow. I guess because of the commitment, I viewed this as something that was going to be very serious but it was not treated as such. Maybe I'm trying to convey the idea that in my mind, finding the girl I was going to potentially/likely spend the rest of my life with was much more likely by finding her at 28 and not in HS or college and so I really really jumped in and also probably let my thoughts and feelings get away from me. In terms of struggling to move on, my group of single friends is essentially non-existent as all of my friends except for 2 maybe 3 have SOs. I physically couldn't go out nearly as much as I used to even if I had a group to do that with. Going out and randomly hooking up for fun is not only much tougher now but doesn't feel worth the trouble anymore. All these things that made it easier to move on from girls that I was "with" in the past, have essentially disappeared.
Just processing a lot of stuff with this. Wrote that in sort of a stream of consciousness, so hopefully it makes some sense. Trying to get everything out. Really appreciate everybody that has posted a response on this thread.
Again, it sounds like you are not so much mourning her as you are mourning the life you had planned on.
It still reads like you basically saw her as you wanted her to be, not as she was. You need to come to grips with the idea that you built this all on a fantasy, which is why it's so hard to let go.
You also need to consider the idea that you were not actually the perfect boyfriend, that you have been blinded to reality by these fantasies you built up.
I'm sure you're talking about all this with your therapist. That's really your best course of action right now.
Again, it sounds like you are not so much mourning her as you are mourning the life you had planned on.
It still reads like you basically saw her as you wanted her to be, not as she was. You need to come to grips with the idea that you built this all on a fantasy, which is why it's so hard to let go.
You also need to consider the idea that you were not actually the perfect boyfriend, that you have been blinded to reality by these fantasies you built up.
I'm sure you're talking about all this with your therapist. That's really your best course of action right now.
I truly truly loved her for her. Or at least the person she was when with me. I miss that person a lot. I guess I decided to forgive/overlook the things she did when we weren't together because I felt this connection and wanted to be with her and thought if we were "officially" together, these bad things would never come up again. I could create a huge list of the things I miss about her the person, but I don't think that's necessary. I'm not sure how one discerns the difference between who someone is when they're single and when they're with you. Both times we were together, she was the most affectionate, caring, sweetest, etc, girl you could possibly want. Maybe I should have just been more cautious in letting my heart get involved by keeping the other things in the back of my head, but at the same time, I was trying not to let the past affect what was supposed to be a fresh start.
In speaking to a therapist, I do understand I'm also missing the life that I envisioned and that's making it extra difficult to move on. I'm not only mourning the loss of this girl, the relationship we had but also the life and relationship I thought I was going to have.
I know I wasn't perfect but I was a pretty damn good boyfriend. I regret some of the jealousy I exhibited, some of the small fights I picked, maybe I let her "take the lead" one too many times, I wasn't perfect. But I was fun, loving, supportive, encouraging, caring, thoughtful. I took her on great, thoughtful dates, was there for her when her best friend OD'd or she got into a fight with her sister, I bought her funky socks just because I saw them and she loves that, I went to all of her performances, always asked a million questions about her day and life, I helped her study for her pilates certification test, I never gave her **** about going to do whatever she wanted to do, with whoever, whenever, I inquired about her family and friends, I sent her parents a beautiful christmas present, I opened up to her the best I could and shared my life and stories, introduced her to my friends and family, I could go on and on. I know I wasn't perfect, nobody is, but I was pretty damn freaking good.
btw, are you a therapist by any chance? Just curious, not seeking counseling from you.
Or at least the person she was when with me. I miss that person a lot. I guess I decided to forgive/overlook the things she did when we weren't together because I felt this connection and wanted to be with her ...
This ^^^ is my whole point.
I'm not asking you for a list of nice things you did. I'm saying you weren't and couldn't be a perfect boyfriend because you were not seeing the situation in reality.
What you call "forgiving" is really just your pushing aside the negatives and CHOOSING to only see the positives. That's why you miss it so much.
You ability to dismiss the reality and the negative is what is keeping you stuck.
I'm not asking you for a list of nice things you did. I'm saying you weren't and couldn't be a perfect boyfriend because you were not seeing the situation in reality.
What you call "forgiving" is really just your pushing aside the negatives and CHOOSING to only see the positives. That's why you miss it so much.
You ability to dismiss the reality and the negative is what is keeping you stuck.
So how does one go about judging somebody they're dating or getting back together with?
All the advice I read and was given about getting back together said it needed to be a new relationship, that you had to forgive the past, which is what I tried to do.
Just because somebody has done some not nice things in the past, doesn't mean they haven't learned from them, or that they'll repeat them. I've done some less than savory things in my past but a lot of them being things I learned from and would never do again.
When meeting somebody and learning about their past, do you dismiss how amazing they are to you/with you because they've previously done something that isn't considered to be a nice thing?
Are you saying that, now that the relationship is over, this is the time to look at the whole picture and judge her? I do constantly try to remind myself of the messed up things she's done when I find myself thinking about the happy times and the way she made me feel. Unfortunately I can't seem to muster any type of emotion to connect to those things, but I obviously have emotions connected to the positive things, making it hard to balance the internal scale. Emotions definitely outweigh logic.
This post is not to be argumentative or anything like that at all, I hope it doesn't come across as such, I'm seriously inquiring to gain perspective and learn.
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