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I was married a year ago to the woman of my dreams (dated for four years). The last five years have been the best years of my life and I love her more than I thought I was capable of loving. We do everything together and have been that way since we first met 5 years ago. She is my best friend and I truly believe that she is my soul mate in life.
But two weeks ago she left me. We had our worst fight ever and though I wasn't violent I said some very terrible things out of anger that I never should have said. The day after the fight I left on a business trip for 3 days and we didn't speak during the time I was away. We continued to not speak the next day and finally the next day I called her to make up and that's when she told me that things had changed and she didn't feel the same way anymore. So she leased an apartment somewhere in the same city (I still don't know where she lives) and we have been apart ever since.
I'm devastated. I never ever would have seen this coming. While we were inseparable, in retrospect (and through the things she has said), I know that I didn't do a good job of showing how much she meant to me. I didn't compliment her, I didn't give her gifts, and I was too focused on things that feel so unimportant to me now (work, finances) to give her the attention that she deserves. She showered me with love and affection and was a complete giver in our our relationship and all I did was take. She told me that she feels unloved, has a low self-esteem, and feels like she doesn't know herself because she's merely been a participant my life.
We both have stressful jobs, and both are in the middle of particularly stressful times at work. Perhaps this environment contributed to our separation. In my mind the fact that I work so hard is a testament to how much I love her - I do it so that we can have the future that we want. But she didn't see it that way and I can understand that. I needed to do more and I know that now.
So I have begged and pleaded with her to come back and she is completely stoic and steadfast in saying that our relationship is over, she wants a divorce, and she at the very least needs a lot of time apart to discover herself. When I try to talk to her she always has reasons that she can't talk, and when I finally do talk to her our conversations are short for one reason or another (have to think about work, around her family, this conversation is going nowhere, etc.). A few days ago she told me there was no reason to talk because nothing I could say would change her mind. Since then she has been ignoring my texts and calls.
I'm completely devastated. I can't seriously comprehend the thought of losing her so I have denied to myself that divorce is an option even though right now I feel like it is a strong possibility based on my wife's actions. I barely eat (have lost 12 lbs in 2 weeks) and I am hardly functional at work. When I'm home I fluctuate between trying to better myself (work out, clean the house, self-help) and depression over thinking of where my life stands.
I have never cheated on my wife and I'm 99.9% sure that she is not cheating. I believe that she is seriously hurt over the things I said in the fight (I have no respect for her, regret marrying her, etc.) and it truly has caused her to interpret my lack of affection as a lack of love for her. She would tell me when we were still talking that I didn't love her, to stop lying to myself, and that I would eventually meet someone that I wanted to cherish and do things for - but she obviously is not that person. So, part of me thinks that this is her just extremely hurt and feeling unloved.
What do I do? What can I do? I have read some relationship articles/forums regarding what to do when this happens and generally the consensus is to cut off contact because nothing I can say will change her mind. When and if I do speak to her, I need to be confident and not whiny and definitely not ask her to come back. She needs to reach that conclusion on her own. I hear all of that, but I don't know if that's the right thing to do?
I am so heartbroken and don't know what to do . I'm starting to feel like what she is doing is very selfish, and I have told her as much, but I also know that she is so sensitive and what I have done to her likely has truly hurt her and is causing her to react this way. I want to work this out and I know that we can, but I fear that I won't even get the chance.
What do I do? What can I do? I have read some relationship articles/forums regarding what to do when this happens and generally the consensus is to cut off contact because nothing I can say will change her mind. When and if I do speak to her, I need to be confident and not whiny and definitely not ask her to come back. She needs to reach that conclusion on her own. I hear all of that, but I don't know if that's the right thing to do?
I am sorry, that sounds rough.You sound contrite but it may be too late, and no opinion about what is "right" has any bearing on whether your wife forgives you. It is all about what she perceives and decides, even if she is 100% wrong. Therefore there can be no "right" thing to do. I agree with what you've read so far. You've said your piece. Back up and give her space and time. Good luck to you, and if you feel like a changed man then try to be that man and not fall back into old habits.
When you say things in anger that you can't take back sometimes the other person is hurt beyond repair. I suspect the more you try to talk to her the greater damage you will continue to do. She may never come back, right now she probably means exactly what she is saying. I think your only hope is to stop bugging her and give it some time. If she decides to give you another chance, she will let you know. I doubt that you will get another chance, but time will tell. In the meantime keep your mouth shut, it's hard to put your foot in your mouth when it's shut. You should have done that sooner.
Sorry to read this. I agree with Julia give her space. Only she can deside if she'll return.
A lot people say words are just words but they are very powerful even in anger. Also you may have thought everything was "perfect" but now you may be learning that things were not as peachy as you thought. Her referencing the past leads me to believe this is more than just a one time thing. ( not fighting but unhappiness FOR HER not you)
I was married a year ago to the woman of my dreams (dated for four years). The last five years have been the best years of my life and I love her more than I thought I was capable of loving. We do everything together and have been that way since we first met 5 years ago. She is my best friend and I truly believe that she is my soul mate in life.
But two weeks ago she left me. We had our worst fight ever and though I wasn't violent I said some very terrible things out of anger that I never should have said. The day after the fight I left on a business trip for 3 days and we didn't speak during the time I was away. We continued to not speak the next day and finally the next day I called her to make up and that's when she told me that things had changed and she didn't feel the same way anymore. So she leased an apartment somewhere in the same city (I still don't know where she lives) and we have been apart ever since.
I'm devastated. I never ever would have seen this coming. While we were inseparable, in retrospect (and through the things she has said), I know that I didn't do a good job of showing how much she meant to me. I didn't compliment her, I didn't give her gifts, and I was too focused on things that feel so unimportant to me now (work, finances) to give her the attention that she deserves. She showered me with love and affection and was a complete giver in our our relationship and all I did was take. She told me that she feels unloved, has a low self-esteem, and feels like she doesn't know herself because she's merely been a participant my life.
We both have stressful jobs, and both are in the middle of particularly stressful times at work. Perhaps this environment contributed to our separation. In my mind the fact that I work so hard is a testament to how much I love her - I do it so that we can have the future that we want. But she didn't see it that way and I can understand that. I needed to do more and I know that now.
So I have begged and pleaded with her to come back and she is completely stoic and steadfast in saying that our relationship is over, she wants a divorce, and she at the very least needs a lot of time apart to discover herself. When I try to talk to her she always has reasons that she can't talk, and when I finally do talk to her our conversations are short for one reason or another (have to think about work, around her family, this conversation is going nowhere, etc.). A few days ago she told me there was no reason to talk because nothing I could say would change her mind. Since then she has been ignoring my texts and calls.
I'm completely devastated. I can't seriously comprehend the thought of losing her so I have denied to myself that divorce is an option even though right now I feel like it is a strong possibility based on my wife's actions. I barely eat (have lost 12 lbs in 2 weeks) and I am hardly functional at work. When I'm home I fluctuate between trying to better myself (work out, clean the house, self-help) and depression over thinking of where my life stands.
I have never cheated on my wife and I'm 99.9% sure that she is not cheating. I believe that she is seriously hurt over the things I said in the fight (I have no respect for her, regret marrying her, etc.) and it truly has caused her to interpret my lack of affection as a lack of love for her. She would tell me when we were still talking that I didn't love her, to stop lying to myself, and that I would eventually meet someone that I wanted to cherish and do things for - but she obviously is not that person. So, part of me thinks that this is her just extremely hurt and feeling unloved.
What do I do? What can I do? I have read some relationship articles/forums regarding what to do when this happens and generally the consensus is to cut off contact because nothing I can say will change her mind. When and if I do speak to her, I need to be confident and not whiny and definitely not ask her to come back. She needs to reach that conclusion on her own. I hear all of that, but I don't know if that's the right thing to do?
I am so heartbroken and don't know what to do . I'm starting to feel like what she is doing is very selfish, and I have told her as much, but I also know that she is so sensitive and what I have done to her likely has truly hurt her and is causing her to react this way. I want to work this out and I know that we can, but I fear that I won't even get the chance.
Read everything. Wow, I expected that you said some harsh stuff, but telling your wife that you regret marrying her, and that you have no respect for her was too far unless she cheated on you or something.
Although there is two sides to a story, I think what you said to her pushed her over the edge and you lost her for good.
What should you do? Deal with the pain in a responsible manner and move on with your life.
The fight started over money. I saw that she had spent $40 on a manicure and I gave her a hard time about it. She said that she was tired of being mico-managed and she wanted to separate our finances - I told her that was fine but I wouldn't give her a dime out of my income (I know this was not the right thing to say, but I was angry...). When I said this I moderately banged the wall close to her arm (we were standing right beside each other). She asked if I was trying to hit her and I told her that if I was trying to hit her I would have (again, I know this was a dumb thing to say). Shortly after this unresolved argument we had a guest over for about 3 hours and we both acted completely normal. After the guest left I was on the couch thinking everything was fine and she walked to the door and said she was going to a hotel as she felt scared of me. Still mad, I told her not to come back.
I didn't expect her to get a hotel because I could not believe she was seriously afraid. I have never hit her (never would) but I do have a temper problem and I say mean things when I get mad. After an hour I realized she must have really gotten a hotel so I tried to call her and she had cut her phone off. I kept trying to call for a half an hour or so and her phone was still off. I got in my car and tried to look for her unsuccessfully. I was hurt that she left that way and turned her phone off and I showed my hurt through anger. I got very very mad and when she finally answered the phone I was a complete jerk.
I told her the I had no respect for her and regretted marrying her and wanted to try to undo the mistake I had made. She was not home but I started throwing things and just was generally in a complete state of rage. I also threw some of her clothes onto the front porch. I do have a temper, but I've never done anything like this...I know that I was wrong, but in my mind I told myself that she never should have left and turned off her phone which pushed me to the edge.
She finally returned late that night/early in the morning and we were both very calm and talked for about 30 minutes. But nothing really was resolved - I kept pushing her to talk and work things out but she was tired and didn't want to continue talking. The next morning I was mad and stubborn and wouldn't talk to her. I left that night for the trip.
It sounds to me like you are the one who needs to be pushed to work things out, who needs to do that talking, not her. A manicure led to your saying you regret marrying her and that you are going to try to undo that decision? I don't blame her for walking out. Send her a card explaining how you f'd up and are very sorry, then give her some space.
Honestly, I think you need some anger management classes or something. I would be afraid of you, too. And I don't know if I could ever forget it if you had said those things to me. My husband and I both have a bit of a temper and say sort of mean things when we are angry - but we would never go that far. We love each other and would never say that we regretted marrying the other person or that we had no respect for each other.
You seriously need to get yourself right before you think about getting your wife back. You sound deluded about how great your relationship was. You describe this as your worst fight which means there have been others, but even so, people don't say or do the things you did without having a serious personal problem or serious relationship problem.
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. I'm starting to feel like what she is doing is very selfish, and I have told her as much, but I also know that she is so sensitive and what I have done to her likely has truly hurt her and is causing her to react this way. I want to work this out and I know that we can, but I fear that I won't even get the chance.