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I want her to realize I was never the enemy in the first place.
See, this is where you are running into trouble. I just don't think the closure will ever come from her - at least not in this decade, or the next decade either (the decade after, maybe).
There were a couple of times when I was the one doing the breaking up, and once I had made this decision, any communication from the other person was just annoying and harassing. Of course, they didn't know what was going on, and wanted to "talk things through". But for whatever reason I was just done and wanted to be left alone.
Now, when I was on the other end of the break-up, obviously that is completely different.
Plenty of people can let you know that she was wrong and unfair. It even sounds like her father feels that way, I presume? And plenty of people can let you know that you're a great guy with intelligence and potential. But she won't - it's just not the way these things work. She just thinks you're her annoying, harassing ex (because someone feels this way about every one of us, trust me!!).
See, this is where you are running into trouble. I just don't think the closure will ever come from her - at least not in this decade, or the next decade either (the decade after, maybe).
There were a couple of times when I was the one doing the breaking up, and once I had made this decision, any communication from the other person was just annoying and harassing. Of course, they didn't know what was going on, and wanted to "talk things through". But for whatever reason I was just done and wanted to be left alone.
Now, when I was on the other end of the break-up, obviously that is completely different.
Plenty of people can let you know that she was wrong and unfair. It even sounds like her father feels that way, I presume? And plenty of people can let you know that you're a great guy with intelligence and potential. But she won't - it's just not the way these things work. She just thinks you're her annoying, harassing ex (because someone feels this way about every one of us, trust me!!).
I agree, after awhile it becomes an excuse to make contact again, which can be interpreted as harrassement...
Location: Jonquil City (aka Smyrna) Georgia- by Atlanta
16,259 posts, read 24,763,471 times
Reputation: 3587
Quote:
Originally Posted by ebo202
I have been browsing around the relationships forum and have seen quite a bit of relationships that never seem to get closure. I'm still a young man (just under 30) and know I have a lot to learn, but the closure thing bugs me.
In my particular case, I was 23 and ready to marry my GF of 5 years when I caught her with another guy. She denied everything, huge misunderstanding, yada yada... Then she married him a few months later. I went from living with her and talking with her everyday, to never seeing her again. It's been about 5 years since that fiasco.
My question is, when a relationship you cared so much for ends abruptly with no explaination, can you get closure without the offending party's assistance? Estranged parents, friends, spouses.. I think the feeling is all the same. When someone flagrantly wrongs you, how do you just "let it go," knowing they have no remorse whatsoever for what they did?
Any advice is greatly appreciated!!!
Move on. Plenty of other people in the world. One monkey don't stop no show.
Location: Jonquil City (aka Smyrna) Georgia- by Atlanta
16,259 posts, read 24,763,471 times
Reputation: 3587
Quote:
Originally Posted by ebo202
I have been browsing around the relationships forum and have seen quite a bit of relationships that never seem to get closure. I'm still a young man (just under 30) and know I have a lot to learn, but the closure thing bugs me.
In my particular case, I was 23 and ready to marry my GF of 5 years when I caught her with another guy. She denied everything, huge misunderstanding, yada yada... Then she married him a few months later. I went from living with her and talking with her everyday, to never seeing her again. It's been about 5 years since that fiasco.
My question is, when a relationship you cared so much for ends abruptly with no explaination, can you get closure without the offending party's assistance? Estranged parents, friends, spouses.. I think the feeling is all the same. When someone flagrantly wrongs you, how do you just "let it go," knowing they have no remorse whatsoever for what they did?
Any advice is greatly appreciated!!!
I would never talk to her again. Believe me you have only got your first lesson on life's realities. 90% of women are evil. In fact, all of them are descended from Eve which is where the word EVIL comes from. And because Eve brought evil and darkness (EVEning) upon the Earth, women have brought the curse forth. So the fact a woman would do you wrong should not surprise you. It might have been the first time but will not be the last. If you want a companion, get a dog- it will treat you better than a woman ever will.
Last edited by christina0001; 11-28-2007 at 08:51 PM..
Reason: PG-13 please
Yes, closure does come, but it takes time. Perhaps the fastest way to get over being wronged in a relationship is to: concentrate on bettering yourself, get out and meet new people, do things you enjoy, and when you are truly happy with yourself and your life - someone nice who will appreciate you seems to come along. You're then ready to get into a good relationship, and all that came before isn't all that important any longer.
P.S. I don't agree with KevK about 90% of women being evil. Most of the women I know are good decent human beings, just like most of the men I know. Unfortunately, the 5% of bad people, male and female, really make life a living hell for the people they get involved with. I learned this one the hard way, but eventually got over it and went on to meet a nice guy and I've been with him for twenty years now. Life can be good, even after getting severely burned, I'm living proof of that. Good luck and take care.
After a major heartbreak (no third party though) I was told that "time" would heal all wounds. I said "no way, not this one". But now, so many years later ... it's long gone. And what goes around comes around, trust me. They'll break up, she'll try to get you back, you'll say "no way!" etc. You'll get your justice in the end
that is so true, that has happened to me with every boyfriend I went out with, they all came back and I was like ok - no!!!
I THINK YOU'RE ALL NUTS. SHE STILL LOVES ME AND MISSES ME!!!!
... Just kidding... bet I had a couple of you going there for a minute huh?
I think a little bit of what everyone contributed is right. Yeah, that was a dirtbag thing to do, she went for grass that was greener (at the time ) and she may never make any breakthroughs of her own. The best thing I'm thinking, is just to let it be. I am at my most happy when I don't know a d@mn thing about her. Was a challenge though... for a while I've had idiots come out the woodwork and volunteer info it seems. Stuff like, "Hey! Guess who I saw!" NO, I don't want to know, moron. That's actually pretty rare... Last I heard she lived several states away. Oh by the way, if any of you readers find yourself just north of Memphis and run into a very friendly, very pretty, caramel complexioned young doctor's assistant whose first name looks very similar to "Cassandra" and last name is that of a baby wool-producing-farm-animal, call her a "disappointment." Then kick her in the shins, "Courtesy of that nice young man in DC." A sailor's tongue couldn't hurt her, but a simple word like dissappointment would.
Anyhow, now that I've weeded through the idiots and lost touch with our mutual friends, the road ahead looks a lot better. Thanks for the advice so far!
Then kick her in the shins, "Courtesy of that nice young man in DC." A sailor's tongue couldn't hurt her, but a simple word like dissappointment would.
You have been given the two answers that in my opinion really matter - (1) forgive her and (2) count yourself lucky. I'll add a third answer anyway, (3) resist the temptation to tell her you have forgiven her, or resist any desire to tell her how you feel prior to forgiving her. Just forgive her silently in your heart and move on. Forgiving her doesn't mean exchanging Chrismas cards and calling her on her birthday. You should not keep in contact with her. It means letting go of your anger, hurt and resentment and cutting ties with her and devoting no more energy to her than you would a complete stranger.
To have closure you have to get over it yourself. Watch that is done you want have a proably running into her someplace. Even if she is with her new husband
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oh you are right on that one....
) and she may never make any breakthroughs of her own. The best thing I'm thinking, is just to let it be. I am at my most happy when I don't know a d@mn thing about her. Was a challenge though... for a while I've had idiots come out the woodwork and volunteer info it seems. Stuff like, "Hey! Guess who I saw!" NO, I don't want to know, moron. That's actually pretty rare... Last I heard she lived several states away. Oh by the way, if any of you readers find yourself just north of Memphis and run into a very friendly, very pretty, caramel complexioned young doctor's assistant whose first name looks very similar to "Cassandra" and last name is that of a baby wool-producing-farm-animal, call her a "disappointment." Then kick her in the shins, "Courtesy of that nice young man in DC." A sailor's tongue couldn't hurt her, but a simple word like dissappointment would. 
