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I have many reactions to the OPs post. The best I can say is does she have enough other desirable features and is your expectation of a future life with her so good, that you can live without the passion and what goes with it?
The only prayer you have to understand this and accept her, as she is. is to see a therapist who specializes in these matter.
From what I see, she is being truthful; she is standing her ground; and she is being consistent, whatever you may be hoping for, whatever you are doing to try to change her sexuality.
No, you are right, I should explain what I mean by playing you. And you are in the thick of it, so you really can't see the overarching theme in her behavior.
People can say anything they want. It doesn't mean it's the truth. Behavior doesn't lie. Stop listening to her words, and think about her behavior. She shuts you down, picks you up again, shuts you down, picks you up. On the phone and in person. She 'submits' to sex, but says she's not sexual, but that she had a 'lustful' thing going with her ex-bf. Wants to marry you, but calls you disgusting. Whaaaaa?
What possible good does it do for her to discuss her ex in that way anyway? Lustful. That's a bunch of crap. She had the hots for him, but he didn't marry her. She is holding out now. She knows she can do that with you.
Why can she do that with you? Because based on everything you've written here, you are a super-nice guy. Kind, respectful, considerate of her feelings, very circumspect. Tiptoeing around a crucial part of the relationship out of respect for her feelings.
So here's a litmus test (and I hope other c-ders chime in with their stories too, because it's instructive for this guy): I had a horrible experience with my ex. He reduced me to practically nothing, because he could. He rejected me physically, made me feel worthless, ugly, and debased. Did it make me frigid and reluctant to experience the depth and heights of sex? Not at all. I rejoice in the man and love and accept his sexual being, I would never "hold out". It's not in my nature. There are plenty of women like me, at least I think there are, but what do I know.
She is playing you by trafficking in the idea of a full sexual intimate relationship with you if you just give her the ring, veil, bridesmaids, and the contract. It's a heavy trade.
While what you say makes sense for some types of girls, I really don't think that this is her (me being in love or not). And lustful in her meaning is different than how you and I look at it. She uses it in the context that it was immoral bc of religious meanings and therefore lustful. While last night she didn't even want to answer the questions on her sexual history, she told me she never felt the things (physically and emotionally) with her ex that she does with me including orgasms - I know that sounds immature.
She just told me that she's not sexual and I honestly think that's it bc she was really upset when she repeated this. She said she's told me this and if I'm not happy with how she is I need to say something. Now, there are issues behind her not being sexual or a problem, but I don't think it is in any way related to the ex. I think she stayed with him for so long bc she lost her virginity to him and felt obligated to stay. While we're on the subject of her ex, if i had to guess, he was probably harsh to her saying the awful things he did bc he was having the same problems with her sexuality. He cheated on her probably bc of some of the same insecurities it has brought up in me or he just couldn't handle it. That still doesn't exuse how he treated her, but just something that crossed my mind.
Maybe she did have the hots for him, but she has told me many times that her attraction to me doesn't compare to anything. She told me last night that she's attracted to me in every way.
She's sensing that I don't fully trust what she's saying and that's why she's upset. She not a sexual person and she's insecure about it all probably bc it's outside of marriage. I also can see that she is probably worried she's not good enough for me in that department and is questioning my intentions long term.
There's just so much going on here that I feel is largely a product of miscommunication- on my part and hers. I just don't know how to help her see that, and if that's the case then I guess the main problem here is that we can't communicate which would be the ultimate deal breaker.
I told her I'd like to go to couples counseling and she said she wouldn't be comfortable with that. I asked why and she said that it just seemed too soon for something like that. She also said that she feels she'll be made out to be the enemy. Sometimes when I'm talking to her, she tells me I sound like a therapist and shuts down. I try to explain I care about her and am just trying to approach it the right way.
Do you know what I do for a living or where I've been? Nope. You are just looking to discredit what I've said, to give what you have stated and feel about this subject more weight and credibility.
Based on the few details stated, I stand behind my assessment of the situation--including thinking therapy is what is needed here.
I told her I'd like to go to couples counseling and she said she wouldn't be comfortable with that. I asked why and she said that it just seemed too soon for something like that. She also said that she feels she'll be made out to be the enemy. Sometimes when I'm talking to her, she tells me I sound like a therapist and shuts down. I try to explain I care about her and am just trying to approach it the right way.
Do you know what I do for a living or where I've been? Nope. You are just looking to discredit what I've said, to give what you have stated and feel about this subject more weight and credibility.
Based on the few details stated, I stand behind my assessment of the situation--including thinking therapy is what is needed here.
I just dont believe you. Your assertions need detail to back them up. Otherwise, your anecdotal info gives the OP false hope that if he marries her, she will magically transform into what he wants.
They do need therapy, but I don't advise it in this case. They both should move on.
I just dont believe you. Your assertions need detail to back them up. Otherwise, your anecdotal info gives the OP false hope that if he marries her, she will magically transform into what he wants.
They do need therapy, but I don't advise it in this case. They both should move on.
My feeling is if you need couple's therapy while you're only dating, it doesn't bode well for the future. This should be the best time in your relationship, not the worst. They are mismatched, and it shouldn't be this much work to just date someone, IMO.
I told her I'd like to go to couples counseling and she said she wouldn't be comfortable with that. I asked why and she said that it just seemed too soon for something like that. She also said that she feels she'll be made out to be the enemy. Sometimes when I'm talking to her, she tells me I sound like a therapist and shuts down. I try to explain I care about her and am just trying to approach it the right way.
I don't know. For me, the point of dating is to see if you and your girlfriend are compatible in a variety of ways. You're not married to her; you haven't made that sort of commitment. The very idea that you'd need couples' counseling as a dating couple is a huge red flag. If you're not compatible and can't communicate well now, marriage shouldn't even be on or near the table. It's okay to know that you care for this woman, and also accept that you're not on the same track and you don't have a future together. All relationships have challenges, but it shouldn't be this difficult so soon.
my feeling is if you need couple's therapy while you're only dating, it doesn't bode well for the future. This should be the best time in your relationship, not the worst. They are mismatched, and it shouldn't be this much work to just date someone, imo.
+1
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LMAO!
