Mixed signals, what would you do in my situation? (dates, wife, women)

[jim0010]

Hi all, first post here apologies for the length!

Advice on my situation with this girl would be appreciated ! I just can't work her out.

I've worked with a girl at work now for just over a year, we have always got on pretty well. The past couple of months we have become much closer, to the extent that we have been out together 2 times now. She just seems happy when she sees me, always with a great smile.. Always loves to tease me with cheeky little comments which she knows will make me laugh.

We were out together for 6/7 hours both nights, having a laugh, full of talk.. she also got very touchy with me during these 2 nights (holding / stroking my hand / waist, even my hair!) Although I must admit the second one was much more than the first. On the first night it was the occasional touching of my arm and hand, waist etc. 2nd night there was much more of the same, just a lot more frequently. She also told me a lot about her and her family. She also has a nickname for me which she uses every now and again, again just to wind me up. (this is a nickname that people at home call me but now she does use it every now and again)
We do get a few comments at work of people commenting about the fact that they tease us about each other.

The last time we went out alone was 3 weeks ago & while it has been mentioned by both myself and her that we need to do it again (both seem up for it) it hasn't happened, mainly due to her being "busy" and now the christmas holidays. To be fair, she works 2 jobs, does various things after work and I do know that she is busy. When we are texting each other, it is never a simple answer, it is always a answer which is full of questions, she likes to use emoticons and faces a lot in the texts. Although she does takes a while to reply, could this be because she is thinking about what she is writing?
Here is where I get confused..

Things she does which makes me feel like she does like me more than just a friend:
- She is full of laughter, (laughs at basically everything i say)
- Playfully teases me
- Smiles at me a lot
- Long eye contact between us
- Always seems interested in what i am up to & who with
- Always willing to get close to me (especially when we were out together)
- She seems to want to see me again.. but timing is difficult with our lives at the moment. (brings up the topic)
- Has actually introduced me to her mother (is this a good thing? - was the first night we were out together)
- Occasionally starts random conversations so that we talk to each other (don't get much chance to talk at work so it is only occasional)
- when we went out, its clear to see that she put a lot of effort in to look great.
- she flirts

But then there are also a few things which make me feel like she is just being nice..
- She is a nice person.. she is kind and smiles at other people also
- "busy" like i said, i know that she is busy. But surely if she was interested she would try her best to make time to see me, even if it was only for a short time?
- texting.. i know this isnt a major thing but she takes a while to reply (think i'm looking too much into this)
- we (mainly me but she has also asked about this) have tried to organise the next time we go out but it hasn't happened as of yet.

Now, more recently:
We had our christmas party last week and everything seemed to be going great. She chose to sit next to me at dinner, obviously we were talking quite a bit. Both one on one and to the group we were with. We then headed to the pub and were out for most of the night. She seemed happy all night while i was with her. We ended up spending most of the night together slightly away from the group we were with, it got to the stage where she was touching me very very frequently, cuddling up to me, hugging, stroking me whilst with the biggest grin on her face. Constantly laughing with me, just seemed really happy and we both seemed to have a great time. She even asked me if i wanted to go to her other work party after I have finished work in the new year. - where did that come from?!

At this stage I was sure that she may like me whilst I remained unsure of exactly what I wanted from her,
(don't really know why but I am still unsure on her)
The night was cut short due to a unfortunate trip to hospital for a friend so it wasn't a great ending to the night but hey.. it happens.

I text her the next morning saying that I had a good time and asked her if she wanted to go out sometime soon, to which she promised me that she would be free sometime this week and we could go out. She then suggested a day (which would of been yesterday) to which I agreed and we left it there. Christmas comes up, we are both with families so nothing else was said for a few days.

We had a another work-do on yesterday, which 5/6 of us went to. (just a all day session). She text me earlier in the day wishing my a merry Christmas and hoped that I had a good one. Whilst asking me what the plans were for today so I gave her the details and said to her I shall see her later. She turned up later on and brought her sister with her as well. We all had a good laugh and it was a good night, again, she didn't back out of any chance to tease me. There was much less touching but we were not as close to each other as the other night, there was the occasional physical contact where she put her arm around me etc but nothing major in my eyes. One thing that caught my attention was that her sister called me by my nickname (this was the first time I had met her sister), this was a nickname that only previously she has called me. So.. surely they have been talking about me otherwise how else would she know that? (they are both quite close so if she is mentioning me then surely that's a good sign.. right?)

Anyway, towards the end of the night i asked her if we were still going out tomorrow (yesterday) to which she said that she couldn't go now so I was quite confused. She seems to be blowing hot and cold, she organises the time and day but then backs out which kinda confuses me, especially because of how she was the other night with me.

We went our seperate ways, I text her this morning (i was hungover, in no condition to chat so i thought texting would be ok)
I asked her if she had a good night whilst asking her "are we ever going to go out again, or do you not want to?" to which she replied "i dont know. I'm sure we can go out sometime in the new year! " - indecisive or what?

I told her that she was confusing to which her reply was that im sorry i am not meaning to be confusing and didnt realise she was like that. The conversation quietened down and that was that.

Whilst i think that she may like me due to how she acts around me I am starting to question that. The way she organises the dates and then cannot do it for one reason or another, suggests a new day and we will see where that goes. Whilst i am not sure if it is just me she is seeing, i did see her text a guy the other night but i have no idea who it is.
Whilst it has made me question how she feels it has made me think about her a lot more recently, if anything it is making me like her more than previously. so if she is doing this on purpose its working a treat.
Could she be playing hard to get and making me chase her, or could she just be playing with me? She doesn't seem like a girl who would play games but you never know I suppose, either way I would love to know exactly what she wants from this.

I know you will say just ask her but getting her alone is seeming difficult at the minute, work and the fact it is the christmas holidays doesn't help. i don't really want to ask her on the phone and would rather ask her in person. If i didn't have to shoot off the other night I would of spoken to her then but as always, there is always something that pops up.

So.. any advice on what i should do? Am i just a friend or do you think there is anything in this? Really don't know what to do next.

again, apologies for the wall of text, just trying to explain best i can !

[Des-Lab]

That's a tough one. My first gut instinct reaction says that she MIGHT have been interested, but you made the classic blunder as coming across as too strong, impatient, and assertive. That's a turn off for many gals. She probably saw that and decided to immediately retreat and keep you at arms length; ergo you blew it by trying too hard.

One way to find out for sure is to try and get her into a group setting with other people she knows well and is comfortable with. Does she exhibit the same mannerisms such as touching and stuff with them? If so, then sorry. You're out of luck. If not, then maybe you might still have a chance.

Either way, I'd back off and let things cool off. Stay in touch but don't badger her about going out. But women are strange creatures. She could have been ready but you may have planted an idea in her head that you have the potential to be overly bossy and aggressive (i.e. might use her as a punching bag were she to become your wife). Unless they LIKE those traits, that's usually a negative and a very difficult impression to erase from her mind.

[birdinmigration]

First thought:

If you are in any way her supervisor, or if she is your supervisor, you should leave this alone immediately.

Understand that 'work romances' can work out as worthy relationships, but when they DON'T, the atmosphere just can become unbearable.

Second thought:

You are a fall-back date. She enjoys being with you, but there is at least one other guy in her life. I could be totally wrong, but she's having fun and wants you to have fun too.

[malamute]

All those in post 2 and 3 or she might be a tease. She might like the chase and quickly loses interest.

[jbird82]

2 thoughts:

1) I and most people here are going to advice you against pursuing a relationship with someone from work. Anyone who's been down that road knows how ugly it can get.

2) When women are truly interested, you will know it. Without knowing more about her personality (natural flirt, drinking involved, etc.), it's hard to gauge what she's thinking but I'd guess her interest is mixed at best.

These situations suck because the harder it is to get someone, the more we end up trying to chase them. I think you should just let this one go for now and try to focus on other women and interests in life. If she's interested, she'll come back around.

[srjth]

She sounds exactly like me. If she is, she likes you and wants to see you, but is truly busy. It sucks. I'm sure she's working on changing her situation as soon as she possibly can because it really sucks.

[jim0010]

Originally Posted by Des-Lab

One way to find out for sure is to try and get her into a group setting with other people she knows well and is comfortable with. Does she exhibit the same mannerisms such as touching and stuff with them? If so, then sorry. You're out of luck. If not, then maybe you might still have a chance.

thanks for the replies guys. With regards to this comment, she seems to get quite offended when other people in the group we were with started touching her. (nothing serious, just the occasional hug and other guys having a laugh with her). These guys are both our friends so there is no problem with that, due to me knowing their relationship status, and to be honest, its not like i am with the girl. She would always let me know who had just done what to her, why would she say this to me? - I guess to see how i reacted but how could I react? like i said its not like we are together and i know that the guys are just having a laugh with her.

With regards to the playing games / playing me along. Of course, i could be completely wrong here but my gut instinct is that she isn't that type of person. She is very shy with people unless she is comfortable around them, I know she has had one serious relationship of a good few years which went sour over a year and a half ago. She never mentioned that she was seeing anybody to anyone at work either, whereas others obviously do.

In terms of work level, neither her or I are any higher than each other, both at different levels but also different jobs roles. (the fact she is 6 years older than me may say she is higher than me but in terms of job roles, I would say I am higher but there's nothing in it really).

Part of me does want to think that she likes me and I want to think I am starting to like her more than I previously have. The whole co-worker thing is the main thing that is putting me off to be honest, for the exact reasons stated. If it goes sour, it could be awkward! but who knows.

The times when we have been out, I wouldn't say either of us were drunk. In fact, quite the opposite. I understand what you are saying about if she was drunk, she would act differently. But she just seems to be different with me, especially when we are alone together. (people at work also say this, how she acts differently to me compared to other people, but that could be because she knows me more than the others)

Thanks for the comments, I'll keep it on a low for a few days until I see her at work next week so shall see how she reacts then.
Any other comments to this reply would also be appreciated

[MNTroy]

My advice would be to make yourself unavailable. If she is interested, she knows your number and will contact you.

My other advice is stop coming off so desperate. If she texts you, don't feel it necessary to text right away (unless it's an emergency). Also, try to find some hobbies or other things to do to keep your mind occupied.

[MNTroy]

Originally Posted by jim0010

Part of me does want to think that she likes me and I want to think I am starting to like her more than I previously have. The whole co-worker thing is the main thing that is putting me off to be honest, for the exact reasons stated. If it goes sour, it could be awkward! but who knows.

Many people will say not to pursue a relationship with someone you work with, and sometimes they are right. Other times, a relationship between two people at a job will work out. My own thought on this, is it better to be take a chance and find out or not take a chance and wonder what could have happened?

[midwest61021]

Simple. STAY AWAY from women at your workplace!
Unless, of course you don't plan on working there much longer...