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Future MIL told me she believes I am trying to rip fiance form her family (I encourage fiance to maintain relationship despite my problems), I am a bully to fiance (which is false), I don't make fiance happy (which is false), and other broad, general statements of the like. Future FIL seems to stay level headed and doesn't say much, but I can see that he is annoyed at the tension.
Getting the SIL out - I am not really worried about her family not liking me any more at this point. My focus is the good thing my fiance and I have.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie
Of course, we might wonder why no one seems to like the OP? Are they having a bad reaction or are you just squatting in your GF's house?
I didn't mention fiance owns the house, but I pay her for over one third of the mortgage as rent, so I can easily get up and go, but I don't think that should matter. She and I plan to get married therefore hers=ours/mine=hers and she should respect my opinion on the matter.
Well, that is a detail you left out in your initial post. A very IMPORTANT detail.
If mom and dad in any way helped pay for that house or it was inherited . . . I can see how they "expected" their other daughter to move in.
You need to get your own place. NOW. Then work on your relationship.
And before you get married, you need to buy a place together instead of you moving into a home that your inlaws have helped, in any way, to either purchase or decorate (that includes furnishings, or sweat labor in fixing up, painting, etc).
Future MIL told me she believes I am trying to rip fiance form her family .
You're trying to rip her from the family? By moving into the house they helped her buy or maintain? This is bogus! Their precious baby will get married to someone sooner or later, unless they plan to drive every guy away and keep her single. It sounds like one of the early posters got it right; they won't be happy with any guy who rips their girl from the family. If you're determined to go ahead with the marriage, you should get counseling on how to deal with the in-laws. A good psychologist should be able to give you pointers on how to deal with controlling types like this. Look for counselors who are trained in something called "Transactional Analysis". It helps guide people through family dynamics, as well as other types of situations.
You're trying to rip her from the family? By moving into the house they helped her buy or maintain? This is bogus! Their precious baby will get married to someone sooner or later, unless they plan to drive every guy away and keep her single. It sounds like one of the early posters got it right; they won't be happy with any guy who rips their girl from the family. If you're determined to go ahead with the marriage, you should get counseling on how to deal with the in-laws. A good psychologist should be able to give you pointers on how to deal with controlling types like this.
Uh no. Way too many assumptions being made. Family had no part in buying this home. It is hers and hers only. Not inherited. I do not squat, I pay my fair share. Sister pays almost zero and parents do not help pay for it.
You're trying to rip her from the family? By moving into the house they helped her buy or maintain? This is bogus! Their precious baby will get married to someone sooner or later, unless they plan to drive every guy away and keep her single. It sounds like one of the early posters got it right; they won't be happy with any guy who rips their girl from the family. If you're determined to go ahead with the marriage, you should get counseling on how to deal with the in-laws. A good psychologist should be able to give you pointers on how to deal with controlling types like this. Look for counselors who are trained in something called "Transactional Analysis". It helps guide people through family dynamics, as well as other types of situations.
That was my response after the OP indicated why they don't like him. Based only on the reasons he stated, her family will not like anyone, which has had me wondering--is there something else that we don't know about? Are those the real reasons why they dislike him?
If those are the true reasons then I think the OP should move on and let Mommy Dearest continue to control the daughters because I don't see how the fiance can say that things will get better.
Of course, we might wonder why no one seems to like the OP? Are they having a bad reaction or are you just squatting in your GF's house?
The tide of public opinion is turning...
He said he's paying rent.
My ex boyfriend owned the house we lived in, and I paid him rent that he applied to the mortgage and utilities *shrug*. It's how it goes sometimes when one person owns the home and the other doesn't. I wouldn't jointly own a home with somebody I'm not married to, either.
From the description, it sounds like the GF has a controlling family...while it's certainly possible that the OP is a terrible person who the family has every right to dislike and disrespect, it's also possible that they'd feel that way about anybody who is becoming an important part of one of their kid's or sibling's life. I have a very closely knit family, as well...but while we talk often, share a lot, are emotionally close, we don't attempt to control one another's behavior, and are happy for one another when they are in relationships, get engaged, get married. We don't have any interest in meddling.
OP, is it possible that your GF WANTS her sister there, and the "the family's making me let her stay here" thing is a smokescreen? If so, it's her house, and ultimately her call, but if you are engaged, it's unreasonable for her to expect that you shouldn't have a say in who is residing with you guys. I would say that if it's a matter of your GF herself wanting her sister there, she's making a choice, and it probably doesn't involve a priority on getting married to you.
I unfortunately have experience with having had a partner who was dominated by a controlling family. Sorry to say, for the most part, those patterns are going to supercede any other behavioral patterns forged later in life. Families who control and dominate are hard for even kids/grandkids who physically break away and geographically distance themselves to fully break from. Even if the controlling force isn't even physically right there, the ingrained idea of it always will be. My ex's disapproving grandparents, father, and aunts and uncles didn't even have to be anywhere in a thousand mile radius, or be talked to for months or years at a time for their disapproval to be felt...the conditioned need to knuckle under to and appease controlling people, and to gain their approval, is something that's deeply ingrained within a person.
Don't know if this is your GF's experience. If it is, and you still want to go in, knowing that, go in with your eyes wide open, and don't think it's going to change.
Last edited by TabulaRasa; 01-09-2014 at 12:52 PM..
Uh no. Way too many assumptions being made. Family had no part in buying this home. It is hers and hers only. Not inherited. I do not squat, I pay my fair share. Sister pays almost zero and parents do not help pay for it.
Well the big problem is... is that your fiance will not be easily moved away from her family since she is committed to paying off the mortgage to that house. And once you get married, what then? Will your fiance be fine with you being equal owners of her house? Or will she (or her family) want a pre-nup signed?
I suggest that you try to save up some money, even with getting a side part time job so that you are able to eventually buy into her house ownership. If you don't, her mother will consider you not good enough for her daughter. I'd say that her mother will only be happy with you when you are the bigger breadwinner in your relationship.
In traditional cultures (WASP, Asian, European, Latino), parents are extremely keen that their daughters' have suitors who are able to fully take care of them financially. And right now, their daughter seems to have more of her financial act together than you do (to them).
Well the big problem is... is that your fiance will not be easily moved away from her family since she is committed to paying off the mortgage to that house. And once you get married, what then? Will your fiance be fine with you being equal owners of her house? Or will she (or her family) want a pre-nup signed?
I suggest that you try to save up some money, even with getting a side part time job so that you are able to eventually buy into her house ownership. If you don't, her mother will consider you not good enough for her daughter. I'd say that her mother will only be happy with you when you are the bigger breadwinner in your relationship.
In traditional cultures (WASP, Asian, European, Latino), parents are extremely keen that their daughters' have suitors who are able to fully take care of them financially. And right now, their daughter seems to have more of her financial act together than you do (to them).
Way too many false assumptions in this post.
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