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True desire cannot be learned, negotiated, or paid for with therapy. This is a dead end. She needs to do this guy a favor and leave.
Yes, you right really... *sigh* But I have found that making a hard decision is easier if I exhaust ALL options before throwing in the towel, if for nothing more than to say that I really tried.
Yes, you right really... *sigh* But I have found that making a hard decision is easier if I exhaust ALL options before throwing in the towel, if for nothing more than to say that I really tried.
Regardless, eight months is not a long time to grieve someone you had intended to marry. It doesn't sound like you gave yourself enough of a chance to heal.
In your shoes, I would end it, and I would consider it a favor to both myself and Alan. You deserve the passion you want in a partner, and he deserves more than a woman who will "never be over" the death of a fiance.
Thank you, it's actually been about 14 months since Aaron died, but he was diagnosed with the terminal disease in July of 2011 so I've really been grieving since then.
Losing a spouse is not something anyone will ever be able to "get over". We simply have to learn how to go on and live without them. So if I were to wait until I was "over it", I would be single for the rest of my life--and I don't want that.
I was with a guy for many years who was super boring in the bedroom. Wasn't willing to do anything else than the missionary, and not even that was great. Then he lost interest in it because it was always the same (yeah, I know what you want to say) and it became less and less.
He was not passionate. Not in bed and not for anything else either. Wasn't willing to do anything out of the ordinary and I went crazy around him. It sucked the life out of me and even though we split a while ago, I am still not back to where I were - a fun person.
He knows he's boring in bed, right? If he was THAT great of a guy, he'd be doing his damnedest to give you the kind of experience you want. Look up the GGG concept and read some of Dan Savage's stuff.
Being a good lover isn't hard. A little research, a lot of consideration for your partner and an open mind are really all that's necessary. If he can't go that extra mile for you, I think it's time to move on.
He knows he's boring in bed, right? If he was THAT great of a guy, he'd be doing his damnedest to give you the kind of experience you want. Look up the GGG concept and read some of Dan Savage's stuff.
Being a good lover isn't hard. A little research, a lot of consideration for your partner and an open mind are really all that's necessary. If he can't go that extra mile for you, I think it's time to move on.
He knows he's boring in bed, right? If he was THAT great of a guy, he'd be doing his damnedest to give you the kind of experience you want. Look up the GGG concept and read some of Dan Savage's stuff.
Being a good lover isn't hard. A little research, a lot of consideration for your partner and an open mind are really all that's necessary. If he can't go that extra mile for you, I think it's time to move on.
Wellll...... I'm not sure he knows, actually. I haven't figured out a nice way of telling him without his feelings getting hurt. It's probably impossible NOT to hurt his feelings.
Let me start off by saying I'm dating a really, really great guy. He's everything a girl could want- he wants to get married, have a house and family, the whole nine yards.
I don't think boring is word I myself would use, he's smart and perfectly able to engage in interesting conversation...he's just an extreme creature of habit. He'll actually refuse sex if it cuts into his sleep schedule 30 minutes ...which is ok I guess because it's bad anyway.
Other than that, I love him because he's a mans man, can fix anything, is extremely intelligent and kind, treats me very well, and we have tons of interests and values in common. I'm ashamed to say, I enjoy him most after he's had a couple drinks and loosens up a bit. My friends and family love him, and I adore his family.
I just don't know what to do. I've been in deadend relationships too long in the past and don't want to do the same thing again. I want to be sure. I don't know if it's just me being broken beyond repair. He wants to get married eventually...I told him I'm just not ready to talk about that yet. Hurting him is the absolute last thing I want to do....any ideas?
I quit reading at the last bolded part.
Until you get past comparing anyone and everyone to your late fiance you will never be happy.
So break up with the current guy and tell him that you are still not over the loss of your deceased fiance and you need more time even though you thought you were ready to be in a relationship.
You should have never let things go this long knowing you have been and continue to compare him to your deceased fiance. That is completely unfair to the current guy that you have led him on this long.
You have already hurt him the first time you compared him to the deceased fiance and you will hurt him when you tell him it is time to part ways, there is no getting around that.
So the fiance or is it spouse? Were you married to this guy or are you talking about someone else whom you were married to that died, then you also had a fiance who died not long ago?
Anyway, you are comparing this current guy who you say is a great guy, responsible, caring, etc, etc to a guy who cheated on you but you know he was you "soul mate"? Really?
Seriously you start out by saying how wonderful he is yet you complain that he is bad at sex? Don't know how to teach him anything he doesn't know how to do? Do you actually participate in this sex that is so bad? Is it him or you?
Until you get past comparing anyone and everyone to your late fiance you will never be happy.
So break up with the current guy and tell him that you are still not over the loss of your deceased fiance and you need more time even though you thought you were ready to be in a relationship.
You should have never let things go this long knowing you have been and continue to compare him to your deceased fiance. That is completely unfair to the current guy that you have led him on this long.
You have already hurt him the first time you compared him to the deceased fiance and you will hurt him when you tell him it is time to part ways, there is no getting around that.
Seriously you start out by saying how wonderful he is yet you complain that he is bad at sex? Don't know how to teach him anything he doesn't know how to do? Do you actually participate in this sex that is so bad? Is it him or you?
If you would have read past the bolded part of the OP's post as you described, you might have more insight and have a more sensitive outlook. While a agree with parts of what you said about her inability to separate her feelings towards the two men and how that can be causing some harm in her current relationship, it sounds like she has already identified the problem and is trying to figure out if it might be fixable. It doesn't appear that she's the one with the passion problem, IMO.
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...which is ok I guess because it's bad anyway. 
