How to deal with your S.O. being a smoker... (dating, marriage)

[NewHavensFinest]

I just want to know how you guys and gals deal with it..

Do you just let it happen or tell them to go elsewhere and smoke?

As a former smoker, just thinking about the health consequences scared the crap out of me and I never want to live in agony with the possible health concerns... This is why I put them down after ten years.

The smoke itself gives me a splitting headache among other things...

I feel like Im beating a dead horse.

Above all I do care about her, but I hate to tell her what to do but all I can see is her eventually dragging oxygen tanks and talking through her throat... Its like a nightmare every time I see her light up.

She says she cares about how I feel but its her decision. Id rather have her be honest about it rather than go behind my back.

Its like a slap in the face.

Does anyone in this situation have any advice on dealing with this? Any words would be helpful.

And telling me to break it off isnt going to hwork, nor is saying I shouldnt have gotten involved...


Thanks.

[oh-eve]

I was married to a smoker. Didn't care.

He smoked outside, I hardly smelled it.

About the health concern - people drop dead unexpectedly who have never smoked. You can live healthy all your life, if a bus hits you, you are dead no matter if you smoked or not.

[NewHavensFinest]

I knew the bus thing was coming lol.

and my answer to that is, if you werent lighting that cig when you crossed, you might have seen the bus.

Are you telling me I should encourage her to smoke and just let it be, because life can be too short to worry about your health?

It makes your mouth taste like a wet camp fire..

[Molli]

Well now is the time to make some decisions about what is best for you and yours.

Are you thinking of her as a long term relationship that might include children? Will she smoke when she's pregnant? Will she smoke right around your babies? Is she currently smoking right around you even though she knows it makes you sick? What do you think you should do?

[BirdieBelle]

O-Eve didn't care that her ex smoked. But you DO care and wish your GF did NOT smoke, right?

Does your GF ever talk about quitting?

[silverwing]

It's very difficult to get someone to stop smoking until they are ready (if they ever are). It took my spouse a two week stay in the hospital for a stroke to give him the kick to quit.

While you should know that the likelihood of your SO quitting for you is quite slim; stating the health reasons will probably provoke a "my grandpa smoked three packs a day and lived to be 90!" response; there is no reason that you should alter your life to accommodate their addiction. If you don't want her smoking in your home, lay down that rule. Same for the car. Impress upon her that frequent tooth brushing or Mentos is mandated if you don't like the taste of sucking on an ash tray when you kiss. Don't be surprised if she flares out at you for those rules or that it might impact the success of your relationship.

You quit, so could she if she wanted to. That she does not want to doesn't earn any sort of entitlement to cause an impact on your life with her smoking.

ETA: Molli is quite right

Are you thinking of her as a long term relationship that might include children? Will she smoke when she's pregnant? Will she smoke right around your babies?

You need to think about the future configuration of your relationship. What rules will be established if you live together? And kids - man, that is something that makes me want to take a cudgel to smokers I almost died a number of times when I was a sprout from continuous respiratory disasters; I spent more of my childhood in the hospital than home. Both my parents were heavy smokers, but this was the early 60s. Whenever Mom took me to the doctor for the latest round of asthma treatments, the doctor would walk in the room and put out his cigarette before pulling on his stethoscope. Thankfully, modern times have recognized the connection between second hand smoke and the impact to children.

If you have kids, this may be a hill to die on. Have you thought about that?

[leigha10]

My BF smokes (hes in the military it seems like ALL of them smoke..note I said SEEMS). I have no problem with it. Funny thing is my dad smokes and it drives me nuts. When i go visit them, he steps out to smoke but comes in and brings that disgusting smell with him. I dont smell it on my BF though. It's weird, probably a psychological thing. But I guess when you are in love you look past thing things like this.

[Wry_Martini]

I've only dated one smoker (although one of my parents smokes), and there's no way we could have successfully had a LTR. We made it work for casual dating, he did his best to smoke around me as little as possible, brush his teeth and eat a mint after smoking, etc. I couldn't stand to ride in his car though, and didn't like spending time in his house. Even though he did his best to be very considerate, the smell was just too much for me to handle.

I think some of us are just significantly more sensitive to smoke than others. (It makes me feel quite sick and can even trigger migraines.)

The points others have made about potential children and whether your GF would smoke while pregnant, around the babies, etc are something you'll have to think about very seriously.

Something else to consider, if you're thinking long term/marriage is the higher cost of health insurance for smokers. A lot of insurance plans are starting to charge a premium for smokers.

[shadowfax]

Smoking has always been a deal breaker with me. I watched my stepfathers mother die of lung cancer and refuse to watch anyone I actually love go through that. But then the thing that did wind up killing my husband was not much better...

[rebellious1]

There is no dealing with it. There are already too many ways to die in this life, why the hell would you want to add another if you don't have to?