Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie
No insinuating. If you're not on the same page about where your relationship is headed after a year or so, one of you is stringing the other along.
People who get engaged and back out probably realize they made a mistake. That's better than marrying the wrong person. If you marry the wrong person, you probably should get a divorce.
But if you refuse to marry a long term partner who wants to be married, you probably should part ways amicably.
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Agreed on all counts...however after a year together we were doing really great...we had our share of arguments but both of us were infact heading towards the direction of marriage. Infact, she does not know it, but I even had picked out a ring on bluenile and was going to propose at about the 18 month mark... but then we went on a cruise and fought badly there. It was a silly argument, not sure why it happened but left a really bad feeling in my mind. She got sea sick and I told her to rest in her cabin so we both went back to our cabin and she went to bed, I told her just before she slept that I will step out and visit the upper decks and be back in an hour to check on her.
When I got back in an hour she unnecessarily started a fight saying that I was uncaring for leaving her by herself when she was sick and not bothering to ask her if she needed anything before I left etc. etc. Truly I was very surprised... I told her if you needed something why didn't you ask...even if you wanted me to stay in the cabin why didn't you say so. She countered by saying she needn't ask me but rather I should just know it. This is illogical and unreasonable to me, I cannot just know stuff by telepathy. Whenever she has asked me anything at all I go out of my way to please her and she knows it so why give me a hard time?
So that didn't go well, we ultimately reconciled after fighting yet again on the last day of our cruise. During the buffet she just keeps walking without telling me where we will find each other etc. Each time I have to say I will wait for you here etc. There are no cell phones on the ship so if we don't agree on a meeting spot we will lose each other. So last day I deliberately didn't say anything. True enough she just walked away and then we lost each other. Then she came very upset that she has been searching all over for me so I asked her why she didn't she discuss where we will meet... she somehow made it out to be my fault like she always does. Everything is my fault, nothing is her fault EVER!
So I get back from the cruise and i'm starting to have doubts...this was back in June. But I just pushed it under the carpet and continued to think things will get better. I thought it's a minor hiccup but my idea of proposing went out the window and I thought I will just wait a bit longer to see how things turn out. Then in end of Aug we had another major fight. She turned up at my apartment without texting me that she is coming like she usually does and found it locked. I was out with a co-worker of mine at the time so didn't come home until later. Many times I have cut short time with my friend solely to rush back home to meet her if she is coming. Again she got MAD that I wasn't home...so I retorted that it was her fault for not giving me notice.
The whole thing escalated into the fact that I have not given her a key so she does not feel welcome, if she has to find a locked door again after taking the trouble to come to my place (she lives 5 mins away) she will never come to my place again. This time around I stuck to my guns and since she couldn't take me arguing she stormed out the door. I wasn't going to call her back but after talking to my cousin who encouraged me to patch it up I called her and we reconciled. Later I asked her what would've happened if I did not call the next day, she said she would wait a week and then break up for good thinking that I don't care about her. I was in shock. This statement has left a lasting impression on me...that she would drop me over a simple argument just like that. It also told me that her pride is more important than the investment in her relationship.
Again I had thoughts about maybe leaving but I thought things have now settled down and perhaps it's going to be better from now on. We also had a trip planned mid Nov to another country in Asia where my parents are from.
In Nov we had another major fight about moving in together. Well, beginning of Nov she got a 30 day notice from her friend that she needs the room she was subletting back. Since mid Nov we had a trip planned she had only 2 weeks to find another place. The kind of person she is, she gets stressed out very easily. I am the type of person who can find an apartment in a week but she was stressing and making me stressed out as well saying she was going to be homeless if she does not find anything etc. In that pressure situation she had found a 1bd and asked me to see it with her. At the last minute she said there was a 2bd in the same place and asked me to see it. I was confused why she is seeing a 2bd, then she asked me if I would like to move in together etc. I felt pressured and in that moment to please her I said yes without thinking. The next few days I could not even think about things as work was quite intense but on the weekend I felt regret for agreeing to it given that our relationship was not as strong. I talked to my parents about it and they were very upset about my decision saying that unless I am ready to marry I shouldn't move in. I gave her the news the next day and it was a major escalation. She said she had already told her friends that we were moving in and it was a major humiliation for her. In addition she said that I screwed her over by wasting precious days to find a place!
I talked to my sis and my sis said it was a major manipulative move on her part to get me to move in with her at the 11th hour under duress without giving me ample time to think about it at my own leisure.
Our trip overseas went fairly well, but my parents were not too happy about all the above...the moving in fiasco etc. and they also didn't like it that she was so overweight (Asian parents can be pretty superficial LOL!).
We returned from the trip beginning of Dec and it also gave me an opportunity to see how this vacation goes as opposed to the other two where we fought.
Couple of other things... I make a good bit of money, in the 6 digits but I am a very simple guy, I do have some expensive hobbies but I drive a 10 year old truck and i'm vehemently opposed to ostentatious displays of wealth. I'm the kind of guy who can afford to stay at the Ritz but stays at the Motel 6 to save money...LOL! She makes about half my income and is generally frugal but definitely worse with money. I have a 6 figure net worth as well and her net worth is negative given that she has a car loan and a student loan. I do give her a hard time sometimes about prioritizing the debts and this is not because if we marry I will be liable for them but it is because it is what I would do myself if I were her... and I believe it is the right thing to do regardless of our relationship.
I told her that the wedding I envision is a small affair, given her debt I want her to save money and pay down her debts and I will budget about $10k for a wedding and pickup the entire cost. I don't want to bring debt into our life. She on the other hand wants to have a $20k affair and would rather keep paying installments on her car and student loan and pitch in the other $10k. This is a point of contention. She will compromise and agree to my budget but she is not happy that she cannot have the wedding she wants... and in her view $20k is a cheap wedding. Well, in my view it is a ridiculous sum to spend on a 1 day affair which I consider purely for vanity. Again, a major difference in viewpoints. This disappoints me that she is more concerned about the wedding that about marrying me. I am also not too crazy that she does not feel that it's unfair to bring large amounts of debts into a union and not sensitive to how I feel about it.
I was once told by a friend that if there is a scale of 0-10 for financial conservatism he would rate me a 10 LOL! I am not that cheap, I have spent quite lavishly on our relationship (at least for my standards)... I have taken my GF on several mini vacations last year paying 100% of the cost... on 2 major cruises I divided the cost 30-70 and paid more because I make more money, I was sensitive to that fact. The trip to Asia I paid 100% of the cost even though it cost me thousands of $$$ just for her share. I have taken her to good restaurants, we used to go out all the friggin time and my budget ever since I started this relationship 2 years ago had shot up like crazy compared to what it was when I was single. Again, I never used to spend much on going out and stuff. In summary, I have treated her very good and that is the truth! The problem is that sometimes I feel that now it has turned into an expectation - if I don't take her to a fancy restaurant for some "event" - be it a birthday, anniversary etc. then it becomes a major disappointment. I am essentially not that type of person so it bothers me a bit. For me if I go to the Olive Garden for my anniversary I wouldn't care because the way I see it as long as I am with my partner that is what is the important thing. I don't give a damn about material things because in essence if I cared about money I would've dated someone my own financial equal.
She also has a "fear of abandonment" issue which she acknowledges that she has taken counseling for in the past. Then there is the whole moving issue that I highlighted in the other thread. I also have a fear of her mom and brother. They have been involved in some ponzi schemes in the past and she has had a delinquent account on her credit because they made her co-sign. Even a few months ago her mom was asking to co-sign something which sends chills to me. She has assured me that she will not get involved with all that again but the trust is a bit faded now... after all they are her mom and bro, that is a strong bond, perhaps stronger that her bond with me... what if her bro and mom come asking her for money later, or to co-sign and I say no way? That is how arguments start towards breakdown of marriage. I know I am thinking way too much but I am an Engineer and that is wired into my head to think this way
Her bro is also a delinquent - no education, no job and not quite sure how he earns income. Her bro does not talk to me (avoids) at her family gatherings for some reason but her mom is friendly.
So what are the positives here? She is caring and cooks for me, she is very affectionate, we both have HUGE amounts of things in common that we do....camping, hiking, same types of movies, we both love to travel, we have different personalities in humor - she is a silly type, I have more reserved humor but I guess it works
we both are pretty adventurous - we both want to climb the highest mtn in Africa and do Everest base camp etc. so finding someone like this was quite a catch for me...but the above illustrates how there are many other issues.
Thanks for reading my "novel"
but I wrote this for better context about what I am dealing with.
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