25 Year old Quarter Life Crisis (looking for advice) (long post)... (girlfriend, how to)
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I feel as if lately I've been going through a "quarter life crisis", and I don't really know where else to go to this. Maybe a therapist but I've been to one before and just feel as though I get such cookie cutter responses. When I explain my situation I doubt anyone will feel bad for me, but I do feel kind of lost at the moment and would definetely appreciate any sort of help/advice I can get. I do thank you in advance for any time you spend reading this. I appreciate it.
I am a 25 year old male living in Massachusetts. I have a Bachelor's in Electrical Engineering and a Master's in Engineering Management. I work at an Engineering firm and make $70,000 a year.
(That is probably enough for most people to tell me to ****. I can certainly understand that because I do have it better than a lot of people out there, as far as my job is concerned. I completely understand if people want to call me out about that.)
I've lived at home my entire life. Didn't want to make my parents have to pay for me boarding at college (though they did pay for classes undergrad. My work payed for half of grad school, parents other half). Didn't want to take on loans. The result is that I have over $110k in the bank. I max out my 401k and my Roth IRA. I put away a good 70% of my paycheck. I thank my parents immensely for how much they give me as far as money and help them out in any way I can with yardwork, housework, or whatever. I agree I have it made in that respect.
To the real issue, though, I recently (4 months ago) got out of a 3.5 year relationship. This was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. My girlfriend was my life. I did not have a great High School experience, not a lot of friends. In college I focused on studies and had a great time but that was with people from all over the county/world. HS and college are way gone, and I've lost touch with the vast majority of people I used to be "friends" with.
My girlfriend was my saving grace, as she was younger, had more friends than I did, a great family, and I really (looking back on it, I made a mistake in doing this) made her life into my own, as opposed to trying to have my own life.
The relationship was great for 3 years but the last 6 months were terrible. It didn't work out between us. I was the one who basically initiated ending it. I didn't think it would ever get to that point but I could not ignore what I was feeling at the end. She was very emotionally needy, and I'm not the type to be overly affectionate. It caused conflict. Example - we'd be in the middle of being intimate and she'd ask me - "do you love me?". I don't know about other guys but when I'm in the middle of sex that's not the type of question I feel like answering. Time and a place.
She was not active, didn't do any sports, and was kind of over weight - not a deal breaker for me, but she always obsessed over how she wanted to lose weight, and it was getting tiring listening to her complain and never do anything about it or succeed once in 3.5 years. All this time I was supportive of her and never gave her anything but compliments. Any time I would try to "encourage" her to go to the gym or even hint at doing something physical, she would get defensive and say "she knew what she was doing". Yeah right.
Eventually I became tired of the whole "girly girl" thing, all she wanted to do was shop, she was obsessed with fashion, shoes and chick flicks. I took on some of her interests (like watching Project Runway lol) but she never took on any of mine. She never wanted to go for a walk, or a swim, or anything outdoors and "fun" (in my eyes).
In addition, we both lived at home, she was 22 years old and did not have a car, refused to drive anywhere outside of her town, and expected me to do literally all the work because "she is the girl". We lived half an hour away from each other and could only see eachother on the weekends due to work and school.
Things came to a breaking point when her parents started setting limits on how often I could be over their house. I was doing all the driving and work in the relationship and that was really the last straw for me, especially since I was willing to take care of this girl for the rest of her life. I felt disrespected... and I was so fed up with the situation, but scared to break up with her.. I didn't make the right move. I just got cold to her and pretty much broke her heart. In hindsight I should have had the strength and just dumped her straight up. But either way it is over now and we have not talked in months, and I am still attempting to recover from it.
Yeah, just because I was unhappy with the relationship does not make it any easier to break up with her. Like I said, she was like my life, all her friends were my friends (and do not talk to me any more), her family was like my own (and they do not talk to me any more, and in fact talked **** about me).
And now I find myself alone for the most part. I live with my parents who are boring people for the most part. They are in their mid 60's and rarely ever travel or do anything that people their age should do. It's almost depressing to me seeing the way they are living their years, it is the exact opposite of what I want to do. My brother and sister are both way older than me and live their own lives.
I work 8-5 on weekdays and I am pretty heavily into the gym. I do like being in shape and working on my body. The week days aren't so bad I guess.
Weekends have been dreadful since we broke up. I literally have no friends any more. This past weekend I sat on the couch and watched TV. It was beyond depressing. I am so used to having something to do all the time, and now, I don't have anything to do, or anyone to talk to.
If I'd known that my relationship would end like this, I would have never had it in the first place.
The only thing I got out of the relationship is the following:
-Avoid insecure girls (let their weight/physical stature prevent them from being active)
-Avoid girly girls (obsessed with fashion, girly stuff, not into sports at all)
-Avoid entitled girls ("Im the girl so you have to k*ss my ass")
In fact this relationship has left me quite jaded. I now feel as if I am the prize, and girls should be kissing my ass. I am the one with the good, stable job. I'm sharp, funny, have a good education, handsome, etc. etc. I would love a girl more than anything in the world if she was worth it to me. This attitude may or may not be productive but it's the only thing that's getting me through this. I'm in no mood to "chase" a girl. I'm not looking at what I can do to get a girl any more. I now look for what a girl has that she should deserve someone like me, to deserve my attention and my love. She needs to be the cream of the crop, and I will no longer settle for anything less.
I feel this attitude may leave me single for a long time if not for the rest of my life. Being picky is really not a good thing. Unfortunately though, I wasn't picky about my old girlfriend and look where it left me. Alone, hurt and jaded. I feel being single indefinetely is a better option than where I am now.
I really don't know what to do. How the hell do you start over at 25. How do you meet girls at 25. I'm an engineer, one of the youngest in my office. I do like fitness but I go to a Gold's gym, and the type of people that go there are juiced up meat heads. Not my type of "friend" I want to make.
I know living at home at 25 is "pathetic", especially someone with as much money as me. But I literally see no reason to move out. I'm only home for a significant amount of time on the weekends and I have no friends to invite over. I would try to buy a house, but living in Massachusetts, a $70k salary with a $110k downpayment is enough to buy you a tool shed in a nice town. I'm not about to settle for that after saving up for so long.
Sorry for the cryptic depressing nature of the post. You can tear me apart if you want, or offer any advice you might have. Thanks in advance.
You don't see any reason to live independently? Really? Maybe moving to the city and having roommates would provide you with a better social life, which is turn might help you avoid the trap of just finding another girlfriend to latch on to.
Also, "How the hell do you start over at 25"??? You've barely even started. Seriously.
See, by living at home for so long you have delayed your emotional growth into the adult world. You simply MUST move out on your own!
Not doing that will continue to stunt your growth!
These feelings of angst are normal - you just have to learn how to deal with them in the most constructive way possible.
I can see why therapy did you no good, because what ails you isn't something a therapist can help you fix necessarily. YOU and you alone have to growup and mature.
Now, that being said, what I do think might help is if you found a mentor or a life coach (can't believe I'm recommending this twice in one afternoon!). You need an unbiased 3rd party person to help you frame things in a context that makes sense to your current level of (im)maturity.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,699 posts, read 41,730,129 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by 3rdgear
Hey all.
I feel as if lately I've been going through a "quarter life crisis", and I don't really know where else to go to this. Maybe a therapist but I've been to one before and just feel as though I get such cookie cutter responses. When I explain my situation I doubt anyone will feel bad for me, but I do feel kind of lost at the moment and would definetely appreciate any sort of help/advice I can get. I do thank you in advance for any time you spend reading this. I appreciate it.
I am a 25 year old male living in Massachusetts. I have a Bachelor's in Electrical Engineering and a Master's in Engineering Management. I work at an Engineering firm and make $70,000 a year.
(That is probably enough for most people to tell me to ****. I can certainly understand that because I do have it better than a lot of people out there, as far as my job is concerned. I completely understand if people want to call me out about that.)
I've lived at home my entire life. Didn't want to make my parents have to pay for me boarding at college (though they did pay for classes undergrad. My work payed for half of grad school, parents other half). Didn't want to take on loans. The result is that I have over $110k in the bank. I max out my 401k and my Roth IRA. I put away a good 70% of my paycheck. I thank my parents immensely for how much they give me as far as money and help them out in any way I can with yardwork, housework, or whatever. I agree I have it made in that respect.
To the real issue, though, I recently (4 months ago) got out of a 3.5 year relationship. This was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. My girlfriend was my life. I did not have a great High School experience, not a lot of friends. In college I focused on studies and had a great time but that was with people from all over the county/world. HS and college are way gone, and I've lost touch with the vast majority of people I used to be "friends" with.
My girlfriend was my saving grace, as she was younger, had more friends than I did, a great family, and I really (looking back on it, I made a mistake in doing this) made her life into my own, as opposed to trying to have my own life.
The relationship was great for 3 years but the last 6 months were terrible. It didn't work out between us. I was the one who basically initiated ending it. I didn't think it would ever get to that point but I could not ignore what I was feeling at the end. She was very emotionally needy, and I'm not the type to be overly affectionate. It caused conflict. Example - we'd be in the middle of being intimate and she'd ask me - "do you love me?". I don't know about other guys but when I'm in the middle of sex that's not the type of question I feel like answering. Time and a place.
She was not active, didn't do any sports, and was kind of over weight - not a deal breaker for me, but she always obsessed over how she wanted to lose weight, and it was getting tiring listening to her complain and never do anything about it or succeed once in 3.5 years. All this time I was supportive of her and never gave her anything but compliments. Any time I would try to "encourage" her to go to the gym or even hint at doing something physical, she would get defensive and say "she knew what she was doing". Yeah right.
Eventually I became tired of the whole "girly girl" thing, all she wanted to do was shop, she was obsessed with fashion, shoes and chick flicks. I took on some of her interests (like watching Project Runway lol) but she never took on any of mine. She never wanted to go for a walk, or a swim, or anything outdoors and "fun" (in my eyes).
In addition, we both lived at home, she was 22 years old and did not have a car, refused to drive anywhere outside of her town, and expected me to do literally all the work because "she is the girl". We lived half an hour away from each other and could only see eachother on the weekends due to work and school.
Things came to a breaking point when her parents started setting limits on how often I could be over their house. I was doing all the driving and work in the relationship and that was really the last straw for me, especially since I was willing to take care of this girl for the rest of her life. I felt disrespected... and I was so fed up with the situation, but scared to break up with her.. I didn't make the right move. I just got cold to her and pretty much broke her heart. In hindsight I should have had the strength and just dumped her straight up. But either way it is over now and we have not talked in months, and I am still attempting to recover from it.
Yeah, just because I was unhappy with the relationship does not make it any easier to break up with her. Like I said, she was like my life, all her friends were my friends (and do not talk to me any more), her family was like my own (and they do not talk to me any more, and in fact talked **** about me).
And now I find myself alone for the most part. I live with my parents who are boring people for the most part. They are in their mid 60's and rarely ever travel or do anything that people their age should do. It's almost depressing to me seeing the way they are living their years, it is the exact opposite of what I want to do. My brother and sister are both way older than me and live their own lives.
I work 8-5 on weekdays and I am pretty heavily into the gym. I do like being in shape and working on my body. The week days aren't so bad I guess.
Weekends have been dreadful since we broke up. I literally have no friends any more. This past weekend I sat on the couch and watched TV. It was beyond depressing. I am so used to having something to do all the time, and now, I don't have anything to do, or anyone to talk to.
If I'd known that my relationship would end like this, I would have never had it in the first place.
The only thing I got out of the relationship is the following:
-Avoid insecure girls (let their weight/physical stature prevent them from being active)
-Avoid girly girls (obsessed with fashion, girly stuff, not into sports at all)
-Avoid entitled girls ("Im the girl so you have to k*ss my ass")
In fact this relationship has left me quite jaded. I now feel as if I am the prize, and girls should be kissing my ass. I am the one with the good, stable job. I'm sharp, funny, have a good education, handsome, etc. etc. I would love a girl more than anything in the world if she was worth it to me. This attitude may or may not be productive but it's the only thing that's getting me through this. I'm in no mood to "chase" a girl. I'm not looking at what I can do to get a girl any more. I now look for what a girl has that she should deserve someone like me, to deserve my attention and my love. She needs to be the cream of the crop, and I will no longer settle for anything less.
I feel this attitude may leave me single for a long time if not for the rest of my life. Being picky is really not a good thing. Unfortunately though, I wasn't picky about my old girlfriend and look where it left me. Alone, hurt and jaded. I feel being single indefinetely is a better option than where I am now.
I really don't know what to do. How the hell do you start over at 25. How do you meet girls at 25. I'm an engineer, one of the youngest in my office. I do like fitness but I go to a Gold's gym, and the type of people that go there are juiced up meat heads. Not my type of "friend" I want to make.
I know living at home at 25 is "pathetic", especially someone with as much money as me. But I literally see no reason to move out. I'm only home for a significant amount of time on the weekends and I have no friends to invite over. I would try to buy a house, but living in Massachusetts, a $70k salary with a $110k downpayment is enough to buy you a tool shed in a nice town. I'm not about to settle for that after saving up for so long.
Sorry for the cryptic depressing nature of the post. You can tear me apart if you want, or offer any advice you might have. Thanks in advance.
OP, I'm 23 and about to complete my first year living on my own. I think you need to move outta your parents house to a hip area to get a social life going. Get into some volunteering, sports, or church (good place to meet folks regardless whether you believe or not) or whatever to increase your chances of meeting folks in a relaxed setting.
You don't see any reason to live independently? Really? Maybe moving to the city and having roommates would provide you with a better social life, which is turn might help you avoid the trap of just finding another girlfriend to latch on to.
Also, "How the hell do you start over at 25"??? You've barely even started. Seriously.
Okay, point taken. How to find roomates? Would you suggest I go on craigslist and just move in with some random people?
I hear you but easier said than done.
Quote:
It's just growing pains honey.
See, by living at home for so long you have delayed your emotional growth into the adult world. You simply MUST move out on your own!
Not doing that will continue to stunt your growth!
These feelings of angst are normal - you just have to learn how to deal with them in the most constructive way possible.
I can see why therapy did you no good, because what ails you isn't something a therapist can help you fix necessarily. YOU and you alone have to growup and mature.
Now, that being said, what I do think might help is if you found a mentor or a life coach (can't believe I'm recommending this twice in one afternoon!). You need an unbiased 3rd party person to help you frame things in a context that makes sense to your current level of maturity.
Thanks, and I agree that having friends and more people to talk to would solve a lot of my problems. And prevent me from coming onto an internet forum for advice. But sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do.
As I said to the previous poster. I wouldn't be opposed to moving out, but for some reason I just don't feel right moving in with random people I don't know off craigslist... Maybe in college, but now?
Okay, point taken. How to find roomates? Would you suggest I go on craigslist and just move in with some random people?
I hear you but easier said than done.
Thanks, and I agree that having friends and more people to talk to would solve a lot of my problems. And prevent me from coming onto an internet forum for advice. But sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do.
As I said to the previous poster. I wouldn't be opposed to moving out, but for some reason I just don't feel right moving in with random people I don't know off craigslist... Maybe in college, but now?
So why wait to find a roommate?? You can afford to live on your own, and would likely enjoy that more than you realize.
When I lived with roommates in Boston, I found them on CraigsList. Random people, one of whom I'm still friends with years later. It's really not that difficult and in an expensive city like Boston, it's just what people in their 20s (and older) do.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,699 posts, read 41,730,129 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by 3rdgear
Okay, point taken. How to find roomates? Would you suggest I go on craigslist and just move in with some random people?
I hear you but easier said than done.
Thanks, and I agree that having friends and more people to talk to would solve a lot of my problems. And prevent me from coming onto an internet forum for advice. But sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do.
As I said to the previous poster. I wouldn't be opposed to moving out, but for some reason I just don't feel right moving in with random people I don't know off craigslist... Maybe in college, but now?
I'm trying to relocate to Wash DC and it is not uncommon in most Northeastern cities to live with roommates off of Craigslist (mainly due to cost). You would not be doing anything uncommon.
It appears to me that you are not making a real effort to change your life. You appear to still be in the 'woe is me' stage.
My advice.....You have a great job. Move out of your parents home and get your own place. You can afford a nice one. I assume you live/work near Boston? Get a place in the city. Get out. Go places. Don't sit around waiting for things to change. YOU have to do that. Things will not miraculously change. You are 25 years old man. Your life is just getting started. OK you had a bad relationship. In our lives most all of us do at one time or another.
You need to get to work on changing your life and only you can do it. A good start will be to get your own place and start being your own man. Things will take off from there.
I'm trying to relocate to Wash DC and it is not uncommon in most Northeastern cities to live with roommates off of Craigslist (mainly due to cost). You would not be doing anything uncommon.
There's a great service that helps match up roommates - you might want to give it a shot
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