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hmmm, im sorry but i never read the older thread about authenticity of words said during anger. i would venture to say though that she meant what she said BUT that doesnt mean that she wouldnt change her mind and realize her mistake later on. she probably is just stressed to the max and needs some type of help (pills/counseling). she may be subconsiously pleading for you to get her some help by acting so foolishly.
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Originally Posted by goldenmom7500
Nah, I think shuke is just explaining - like, it would be one thing if the kids said "we want to go where mommy goes" but that's not happening here. That's a little bit good because it might be traumatic for them to reach for her while she stomps out. I'm also in this same situation that miu is observing here, maybe more extreme (with the second parent feeling detached, unimportant) and it does just keep getting worse without creative intervention. But in my case, I couldn't force someone whose heart was not into it.
But I think one of shuke's points was going back to our recent thread about words said in anger - are they the real truth? Are they revealing things that are being held back?
I'll try to get the point across as quickly as I can, but some details are sure to be left out. We have a 7 year-old boy with special needs (diagnosed bipolar by Dr. Joseph Biederman at Mass. General Hospital), a 5 year-old girl (will turn 6 in 1 month), and a 4 year-old girl. In addition to bipolar disorder, I strongly suspect the boy has some learning disability (maybe dislexia or some other disorder)... he is going in for comprehensive testing this coming Wednesday (at a cost of some $2k to us, but it needs to be done).
Anyhow, Mom was playing checkers with the boy today, as the girls and I were watching the BC-WVU game on the tube.
As a side-note, our 5 year-old brought head lice home from school a few weeks ago.. Note from school in the backpack that another kid in her class had introduced it... we have treated her and her sister for it, and I thought we were all done with them, but as the 4 year-old was sitting on my lap, I thought what the heck... might as well inspect for nits. I saw her scratching her head, and that gave me the bright idea. Well, I found what looked like some nits, so I brought the girls up to our room so I could use the lice comb and get a better look in the bathroom under bright lights.
While we were in the bathroom, our boy and Mrs. Shuke were playing checkers, next thing I know, the boy is having a hissy fit downstairs, and Mrs. Shuke is storming up the stairs. I have the 4 year-old across my lap on the floor as I comb and inspect for lice. The 7 year-old comes storming up the stairs after Mommy accusing her of cheating in checkers. He's absolutely inconsolable. He throws a trash can and then throws Mommy's Ipod.
At this point, the girls are screaming and the boy is screaming, and Mommy is screaming. I'm still cool on floor looking for lice. I announce I'm going to have to go out and get some Nix for the lice.
My wife says I should bathe them in the bathroom down the hall instead of in our big tub. I say I need to use the big tub because it has a hand-held shower on the deck and makes it much easier to clean. Incidentally, I am the one who always bathes the kids... Mommy never does it. Ever.
Next thing I know, Mrs. Shuke is blurting out in frustration, "You and the kids can get a place of your own." She then gets her coat and storms out the door. I implore her not to take off until I can go to the pharmacy and get the Nix and come back. (the two girls were undressed already and I didn't want to have to get everyone dressed up so I could haul them all to the pharmacy and back.)
No answer. Next thing I know, she' taking the van and taking off down the driveway. No goodbye, no indication of where she's going or how long she'll be gone.
I pack up the kids and we go to the pharmacy and get the Nix. We're now in between kids in the tub.
But I got the idea about what we had spoken about in the last few days about words being blurted out in anger... specifically, this notion about me and the kids moving out of the house.
Frankly, I'd be perfectly fine with HER moving out. The kids are much more attached to me, anyhow. They all come piling in the bed ontop of me in the morning and come running to greet me every night. They don't do any of that for her. But apparently the idea of my moving out has crossed her mind, I figure, if she's blurted that out in frustration. It's just why should me and the kids move out of the house into a cramped apartment? Wouldn't it make more sense for her to move out?
Now... back to the Nix....
Shuke, just my 2 cents, but I have a girlfriend who has a retarded boy...he's a very tall and large boy and gets excited and they've put him in a home for retarded boys....they bring him home on weekends....but it is so hard, and so difficult to cope, sometimes he becomes violent, or grabs the wheel when they are driving...it's just very sad, stressful, heartbreaking...
So, what I'm saying is, some of us can take the stress of this more then others...and I'm certain she's having those feelings that it's her fault and she's not dealing with it well at times and sometimes you wish you had a normal life, yanno....it's tough, and I'm not saying it's not tough for you...you sound like a great dad....you do....I'm just not to sure about how much responsibility she can assume...yanno....
Yes, this is for real. I had no problem with her taking off the way she did, but I wanted her to wait until I had gotten what I needed from the pharmacy. My wife has issues of her own, as do I. We each see our own shrinks for our own separate issues. I could tell she was feeling overwhelmed when she was getting ready to go, and I knew she needed to get out. I don't have any problem with that, but I did have a problem with her taking off before I could go to the pharmacy, because that meant I had to get everyone dressed again, packed up, and down to the pharmacy, only to come back and get baths. It would have been a lot easier for me if she could have delayed her departure by a half-hour until I got back. Apparently she just couldn't take it.
And I could go on and on about how she consistently doesn't pull her weight around the house, but I've done that previously in other threads. No need to rehash here. But she is a stay-at-home mom, full-time, whose kids are in school full days M-W-F, and who only has the 4 year-old at home Tu-Th. In other words, the older two are in school full days during the week, and the younger one goes to preschool full days three days per week. We have a maid service that comes in biweekly, and I do all the laundry. I also take care of all the pet meds and all the kids' meds. I take care of washing and putting away all the dishes and bathing all the kids. I also see they get dressed every morning and have lunch money before leaving for school. I also do all outside activities with the kids... any ball playing or dog running, etc.... done by me. All the taking to football practice and ski lessons... done by me. I also see that the kids brush teeth at night and it's me who puts them to bed and tucks them in every night.
I might add, my wife not only does not want to do any of these things, but she cops a huge resentment if she's asked to do any of them. And on more than one occasion, I've taken off in the morning to work, having forgotten to unload the dishwasher (runs overnight), and I come home after work to find dirty dishes piled in the sink and the dishwasher full of all the clean ones from the overnight washing. Still, the wife cannot keep the house in any semblance of order and rarely cooks a meal for the kids. She's big on the fast foods and prepared meals. She might prepare one meal per week, and on weekends I usually order take-out from a local restaurant.
My shrink likens the marriage to two oxen pulling a cart... but in our case, one ox is sitting in the cart.
Yes, this is for real. I had no problem with her taking off the way she did, but I wanted her to wait until I had gotten what I needed from the pharmacy. My wife has issues of her own, as do I. We each see our own shrinks for our own separate issues. I could tell she was feeling overwhelmed when she was getting ready to go, and I knew she needed to get out. I don't have any problem with that, but I did have a problem with her taking off before I could go to the pharmacy, because that meant I had to get everyone dressed again, packed up, and down to the pharmacy, only to come back and get baths. It would have been a lot easier for me if she could have delayed her departure by a half-hour until I got back. Apparently she just couldn't take it.
And I could go on and on about how she consistently doesn't pull her weight around the house, but I've done that previously in other threads. No need to rehash here. But she is a stay-at-home mom, full-time, whose kids are in school full days M-W-F, and who only has the 4 year-old at home Tu-Th. In other words, the older two are in school full days during the week, and the younger one goes to preschool full days three days per week. We have a maid service that comes in biweekly, and I do all the laundry. I also take care of all the pet meds and all the kids' meds. I take care of washing and putting away all the dishes and bathing all the kids. I also see they get dressed every morning and have lunch money before leaving for school. I also do all outside activities with the kids... any ball playing or dog running, etc.... done by me. All the taking to football practice and ski lessons... done by me. Still, the wife cannot keep the house in any semblance of order and rarely cooks a meal for the kids. She's big on the fast foods and prepared meals. She might prepare one meal per week, and on weekends I usually order take-out from a local restaurant.
My shrink likens the marriage to two oxen pulling a cart... but in our case, one ox is sitting in the cart.
My daughter in law is like that...and I really hate her behavior, Shuck...so much so, that i've cut them both off, I never raised him to be like this...he is like you and assumes all responsiblity for their child...he changed her all the time...
Shuke...what you are doing is fantastic....for the kids....never stop....
oh my goodness! shuke, it sounds hopeless to me. god!!!!
i say get a divorce since youre not in a real marriage anyway. better to get it over with now then keep on like this and wonder why you waited so long.
god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
she is either is need of serious mental health help (depression? bi-polar?) OR she is just selfish and immature. sorry to be so harsh, im on your side that's all!
god!!!!
a maid service?
god!!!!!
Yes, this is for real. I had no problem with her taking off the way she did, but I wanted her to wait until I had gotten what I needed from the pharmacy. My wife has issues of her own, as do I. We each see our own shrinks for our own separate issues. I could tell she was feeling overwhelmed when she was getting ready to go, and I knew she needed to get out. I don't have any problem with that, but I did have a problem with her taking off before I could go to the pharmacy, because that meant I had to get everyone dressed again, packed up, and down to the pharmacy, only to come back and get baths. It would have been a lot easier for me if she could have delayed her departure by a half-hour until I got back. Apparently she just couldn't take it.
And I could go on and on about how she consistently doesn't pull her weight around the house, but I've done that previously in other threads. No need to rehash here. But she is a stay-at-home mom, full-time, whose kids are in school full days M-W-F, and who only has the 4 year-old at home Tu-Th. In other words, the older two are in school full days during the week, and the younger one goes to preschool full days three days per week. We have a maid service that comes in biweekly, and I do all the laundry. I also take care of all the pet meds and all the kids' meds. I take care of washing and putting away all the dishes and bathing all the kids. I also see they get dressed every morning and have lunch money before leaving for school. I also do all outside activities with the kids... any ball playing or dog running, etc.... done by me. All the taking to football practice and ski lessons... done by me. Still, the wife cannot keep the house in any semblance of order and rarely cooks a meal for the kids. She's big on the fast foods and prepared meals. She might prepare one meal per week, and on weekends I usually order take-out from a local restaurant.
My shrink likens the marriage to two oxen pulling a cart... but in our case, one ox is sitting in the cart.
Shuke, you sound like a great Dad. I hope you realize the HUGE difference your making in your childrens lives in being so involved. I am sorry that your wife doesn't appreciate you more.
Its one thing to have ones own issues, I certainly have mine but if your issues become so big you can't take care of children, then having them should not be on the table.
Its one thing to have ones own issues, I certainly have mine but if your issues become so big you can't take care of children, then having them should not be on the table.
If any of these issues were present before having children - and there may have been some tell-tale signs - they were certainly not present to such an extent that they were obstacles that affected our quality of life. Her issues only became prominent enough to affect our quality of life after child #3 was born. It was in 2004, in particular, that I discovered she had run up some charge card debt without my knowledge and that's around the time I would say things really started to take a downhill turn. A lot of my issues, again, were perhaps present to some extent before all this, but seem to have gotten much worse in trying to pull all the weight by myself.
My shrink likens the marriage to two oxen pulling a cart... but in our case, one ox is sitting in the cart.
Now *that* is a cool shrink.
Before I read this last post it occurred to me that if I can't hold myself together, if I'm going to be angry or inappropriately emotional, I do try to tell my daughter to give me some space. So I had rethought my previous comments to some extent about her leaving.
We have a relative who has a wife who has a lot of problems and does fairly little with the kids and around the house. Then she attempted suicide a year ago, was rushed to the hospital, her life saved after some time in a coma. Within a month, the in-laws were already calling to give the count of how many meals she had fixed for the family that week and how hard the husband was working. I just felt very conflicted like - you're the ones who called the ambulance. I don't know. I'm just trying not to judge Mrs. Shuke too badly because she sounds like she has some problems.
If any of these issues were present before having children - and there may have been some tell-tale signs - they were certainly not present to such an extent that they were obstacles that affected our quality of life. Her issues only became prominent enough to affect our quality of life after child #3 was born. It was in 2004, in particular, that I discovered she had run up some charge card debt without my knowledge and that's around the time I would say things really started to take a downhill turn. A lot of my issues, again, were perhaps present to some extent before all this, but seem to have gotten much worse in trying to pull all the weight by myself.
Believe it, or not, my son, was thinking out loud, and he told me he was so worried during his wife's pregnancy, what kind of a mother she was going to make....??????? sheeesh...I almost fell right over.....he keeps saying over and over, she's a good wife, a good mother, at least she doesn't run around....I don't even think he is aware that he's saying these things....????
I'm certain there is a lot of resentment, which really works hard on the relationship....
have you both sat down and talked? I mean, and really listened to each other? And if so, what does she say.....
again, I'm thinking some people are just not good at responsiblity...?
Shuke, I am so sorry. I wish life was easier for you. You are trying to hold down the fort singlehandedly and most people expect more than that when they are married. It kind of sounds like your wife has dealt herself out of this marriage/child rearing to some extent already. Maybe what she said in frustration/anger are her true feelings being voiced and maybe it's just venting - only she knows for sure. I think the two of you need to have a heart to heart talk, clear the air, and find out what it is that she wants. If she doesn't work outside the home she should be able to cook dinner, do the laundry, and keep the house reasonably clean unless she's handicapped mentally or physically or suffering from depression. This would be my minimum expectation because most women I know, me included, work full time and manage to accomplish this much.
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