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Anyhow, the pertinent points she made during the phone call:
My wife is bipolar
She is not being treated adequately at the present time
She has "years and years" of work to do on herself to get better
Her current therapist is not helping her.
My wife is seething with anger... not just at me or her present situation, but at the world in general. She feels as if she has gotten a raw deal and life is unfair.
My wife is emotionally "unplugged" from the relationship
Pam was particularly concerned about my wife's tendency to lock herself in the bedroom while the kids run amock in the house. And not just because it's a safety issue, either... to her, this is how she escapes from her problems. She feels overwhelmed and cannot cope and to escape, she locks herself in the room. But the wife is not only emotionally unplugged from me and from the relationship, but also from the kids.
I asked specifically why my wife seemed to backpedal on the divorce when she saw I had consulted an attorney. Pam said my wife had never really had to "make it" on her own and she was afraid. Yes, the money was one aspect of it, but just the idea of having to be truly self-sufficient is apparently terrifying to her.
In the absence of a divorce, and in the absence of her getting effective treatment for her bipolar condition, the relationship will remain static - unchanged - indefinitely. And even if she does get a better therapist (which she won't do), it will take years and years for her to really get any better and the marriage could still break down at any point.
My boy would find it "a relief" if he were to live with me alone.
The girls, however, would be traumatized by a divorce. I would have to make extra efforts to keep as much contact with them as possible going forward.
My wife has other "issues" with men in general... but we didn't have time to go into that.
So... I have an appointment with my shrink this morning. I'll go over all this with him and maybe report back later.
Oh yeah... in light of the issues that came up with the Big D thread, let me put this statement into this thread, mostly for the benefit of one particular member: "I'm not looking for any advice that runs counter to my own opinion."
Well, actually... I don't mind having my pov challenged. I do mind when people read more into the situation than I have written.... like if I say I will "think about" something that has been suggested, if someone comes along and says I am actually doing it.... I do mind that. So please.... read what I write with care and be careful of what you say I am doing because if you cannot come back and point to where I said exactly what you are accusing me of... it's going to be a problem.
Did the psychic tell you anything you didn't already know? Did she change your pov about anything?
The idea that my wife was not being effectively treated.... was kind of new, as was the notion that she had "years and years" of work ahead of her.
And yes, she did change my point of view a bit. Before the phone call, I was mostly angry with my wife... I viewed her not carrying her weight and doing her part around the house as being mostly due to laziness. Like, if she got a good enough kick in the butt (figuratively, of course), maybe she'd do some work. But by talking with Pam I really came to accept the fact that my wife really is mentally ill, first, but more importantly, not even close to getting any better... and, actually, not even on track to getting better with the present therapist. In short, have come closer to seeing her not so much as lazy as really having some serious mental problems. And I pity her for that... and then I struggle with the whole "in sickness and in health" thing.
Also, the notion that the relationship would remain static indefintely going forward was also kind of new. I had envisioned my wife getting fed up enough to finally tell me to get lost for real, but I now think she'll find one way or another to adapt to her situation regardless of what is going on in that house... but I won't find happiness in the status quo, that's for sure. So any hopes I had of finding any happiness there were also more or less dashed.
Finally, the notion that she was afraid of making it on her own was actually kind of new, too. I had thought my wife's motives were more calculated and nefarious than that. I thought my wife had perhaps made some conscious decision that the longer she could postpone a divorce, the better off she would be at the end of the process, and that was perhaps the reason behind her backpedaling when she saw I was ready to proceed. Now I believe she was reacting out of genuine fear and not so much greed.
I have been lurking with your posts Shuke. I had a feeling your wife was very mentaly ill.
Mental illness is so hard to understand when you are not fmailar with it.
My Mom had some sever issues that I always mistook as her being week minded and a "quitter". This wasn't the case.
Anyways. Sounds like you have a loooong road ahead of you and none of it is easy or cut and dry.
I wish you and your kids the best.
I hope your soon to be ex manages through it also.
Location: When things get hot they expand. Im not fat. Im hot.
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Shuke
Been keeping up as I can. I must say after reading this I feel more than ever its time for you to go. Theres no love there. Just your pity and her need. This is JMO but I dont think your wife will ever get well with you there. I think you enable her to be weak. The bottom line is you may complain and yell A LOT but the ultimate result is you take care of it. She doesnt really have to be responsible for anything.
From reading your posts I think I developed some of the same opinions of your wife. Im kinda sorry I called her that woman now but I still stand by my original post. I think if you leave your daughter there she will end up trying to take care of your wife and the rest of the household. Dont take this wrong I dont think you meant to but youve encouraged her to be "the good daughter".
Just a thought. But maybe your wife wont want the kids. She locks herself in her room now so she wont have to deal with them. And if she does take them she may give them back after dealing with them for a week or so. I have a feeling theyre going to be very needy.
Best of luck to you both. Who knows maybe you letting her stand on her own might be just what your wife needs to get started towards recovery.
Been keeping up as I can. I must say after reading this I feel more than ever its time for you to go. Theres no love there. Just your pity and her need. This is JMO but I dont think your wife will ever get well with you there. I think you enable her to be weak. The bottom line is you may complain and yell A LOT but the ultimate result is you take care of it. She doesnt really have to be responsible for anything.
Best of luck to you both. Who knows maybe you letting her stand on her own might be just what your wife needs to get started towards recovery.
Thanks CR, that really makes a lot of sense. I discussed this whole thing, including the psychic, with my shrink this morning. He brought up the whole pursuit of happiness argument, that I was not happy now, and about the best I could envision the relationship getting was like a business partnership.
Oh yeah... and he did say that once i got out of the relationship, that would remove an obstacle to my finding real happiness for myself.. and once that happened, I could probably get off the meds he's giving me right now. He basically sees my own issues with unipolar depression as driven by the marital situation. Which, I think it is... I never had to take any meds or see a shrink before all this hit the fan in a big way a few years ago.
I grew up with a very "disconnected" mother and it is very difficult for a little girl to go through, but they will get through it. You are still the Daddy and you can do your part with your girl's, be extra caring with them, more time not more things if you know what I mean.
Take care (((((((Shuke))))))))
(That wasn't a long extended hug BTW... just so you know)
Lets add things up and see how your relationship stands.
You and your wife are:
Both crazy.
Both seeing a shrink.
Both taking mind control drugs.
Both doing therapy.
But only you have hired a psychic.
You had better divorce her quick before she gets her own psychic and you lose your advantage.
Not a chance! Don't forget.... I get advice here on C-D, too, so that puts me another one up on her.
Besides, if the psychic and my shrink couldn't provide any clarity, I was prepared to go to an astrologer next. If it was good enough for Nancy Reagan....
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