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IN YOUR EXPERIENCE. There are others who do not share your experience. This is what we're telling you. What's true for you isn't true for 100% of humanity. Please try to get your mind around that.
Which is actually no experience, because he's never had a sexual relationship. All of this is hypothetical to him.
No, I'm thinking like a human! Those other things are what you notice after you establish the sexual attraction. That's icing on the cake. But if you fundamentally feel no sexual attraction to them whatsoever then the other things don't matter. I obviously agree that once you find someone who is sexually attractive the other things are important. I've never felt love for someone based on just finding them sexually attractive...however, I also have never felt love for someone if I don't feel the sexual attraction.
For what it's worth, with me, I've NEVER been sexually attracted to someone first. That always grows in time as I get to discover who that person is--then I start to feel sexually attracted to him and then I start to love. It's all the same thing you are talking about, just in a different order. And yes, if I find someone not physically attractive (such as too old, too young, smells bad, bad hygiene, etc) I will probably never feel physical attraction and therefore never feel sexual attraction.
I don't know if it's gender based or if different people are just attracted to others differently, but there are some of us that need a connection first, before desire for sex with that person is even on the radar.
IN YOUR EXPERIENCE. There are others who do not share your experience. This is what we're telling you. What's true for you isn't true for 100% of humanity. Please try to get your mind around that.
He has no experience. He's a 30 odd year old virgin. 'Nuff said.
I think we're losing the plot. This thread seems to pose an underlying question of why women want to meet men. Whether or not it creates a spark upon meeting a few times, personality doesn't seem to be one of those motivators. (And that's sometimes more persona than real personality.)
Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
There are others who do not share your experience. This is what we're telling you. What's true for you isn't true for 100% of humanity. Please try to get your mind around that.
Look, I agree with what you said about the other elements. The people I've fallen in love with, I feel that way about them because I thought they were extraordinary people and had beauty in their soul. I'm just saying that is in addition to sexual attraction.
To the OP's question, I think it's a natural by-product of progress. The less women need men in a particular society - financially, emotionally, psychologically, legally, whatever - the harder it will be for the average man to meet women because women will more and more act solely on their own interests, especially where leisure and socializing is concerned, rather than with the heightened sense of needing to incite or respond to male interest.
Quote:
Originally Posted by neutrino78x
People being attracted based on personality is definitely a fantasy. Once you have established that two people are equally attractive to you, that's when the personality becomes a factor.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
Not really. For some people, personality IS the attraction.
Quote:
Originally Posted by neutrino78x
Personality is only a factor if you already establish that they are sufficiently hot. If you don't find them attractive the personality isn't relevant.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
Not true at all for some people. What causes the initial attraction may be personality, or it may be that the other person shares certain unusual interests with you, or that they're from the same unusual ethnic background. It could be any number of things other than physical attraction.
Quote:
Originally Posted by neutrino78x
Well, why are you in a relationship with them, if you do not find them sexually attractive?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
Because it's not always about sexual attraction. You're thinking like a guy. Sex is just a function, you can do it with anyone. But a wonderful personality, strong brain power, and a background or interests in common is a difficult combination to find. When you find it, sparks can fly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by neutrino78x
No, I'm thinking like a human! Those other things are what you notice after you establish the sexual attraction. That's icing on the cake. But if you fundamentally feel no sexual attraction to them whatsoever then the other things don't matter.
Quote:
Originally Posted by neutrino78x
I'm human and most humans I have met would not be interested in someone if they did not find them sexually attractive to any degree. There has to be SOME degree of that. It might be very small but it has to be there.
Quote:
What they're trying to say is that attraction isn't always physical or sexual
Quote:
Originally Posted by neutrino78x
And I disagree. Everyone feels those types of attraction, both male and female. But you get into those other forms of attraction once the person is sexually attractive. If they aren't sexually attractive to you that other stuff doesn't come into the picture.
In other words...
Some, like Ruth and others, believe that a great personality can create sexual attraction that may not have existed previously by appearance alone.
+
Some, like Neutrino, believe this isn't possible.
= Agree to disagree and move on lol Unless one of you (Neutrino) isn't fine with agreeing to disagree and instead feels the need to discount what others say they've experienced by basically saying it's not true, in which case, proceed!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chemistry_Guy
I have noticed that women my age (30's) are just as much if not more interested in meeting romantic partners as men. However,women seem to have a bit more fear/apprehension of strangers, often for good reason. Perhaps in order to compensate, they can be more willing to initiate than men when in a "safe" social situation where they feel that the psychos have been weeded out of the population.
I hosted a party this past weekend to celebrate a colleague's promotion and there were a number of single people there of both sexes. It seemed to me that the women were taking the initiative as far as introducing themselves, steering the conversation towards dating, initiating subtle physical contact, etc. I would imagine that part of the reason why the OP and some others perceive many single women are being frosty is that in many situations, women don't feel comfortable enough in the environment to show too much interest in random strangers.
This was also explained to me years ago by my college girlfriend. She was a sociology student at the time (now she is a fairly well known documentary photographer), and she did a fairly comprehensive research project, including both surveys and observations, on gender dynamics in groups of different familiarity levels, with and without alcohol, in different M/F ratios. I don't have her exact data, but it suggested that women who were outnumbered by unfamiliar men behaved very differently than when they were around friends. She was more interested in how the women were perceived than the results of conversations, but the evidence still suggests that there are some situations where it is nearly impossible to "break the ice".
This is one of those obvious things you don't need a study to figure out if you pay attention to life, like you did at your party. Men are a threat to women in a way that doesn't apply the other way around. Women being outnumbered by unfamiliar men creates an environment wherein that threat is perceived as heightened, which leads to more guarded behavior. If the threat is reduced, women will feel safe to interact more freely.
Sometimes, they're actively aware of this trigger. Often not. Generally speaking, the average man sees a room full of strange women and thinks smorgasbord. The average woman sees a room full of strange men and thinks rape lmfao I kid, I kid, relax.
Look, I agree with what you said about the other elements. The people I've fallen in love with, I feel that way about them because I thought they were extraordinary people and had beauty in their soul. I'm just saying that is in addition to sexual attraction.
Note that this doesn't necessarily mean others find them hot. I'm saying YOU have to find them hot. If you don't then their personality doesn't matter.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
Not true at all for some people. What causes the initial attraction may be personality, or it may be that the other person shares certain unusual interests with you, or that they're from the same unusual ethnic background. It could be any number of things other than physical attraction.
Yup.
I went on a blind date, and when the guy walked in, I thought "Nope. Not the one." He wasn't hideous, he was quite average looking, but I just wasn't initially attracted to him at all.
By coffee/dessert, I was smitten. He was witty, charming, hilarious, fascinating, intriguing . . . I had the most fun I'd had on a date in years. And then, viewing him (his physical appearance) through the lens of all I had learned about his personality and wit and charm? Yeah, I was definitely finding him sexually attractive.
I went on a blind date, and when the guy walked in, I thought "Nope. Not the one." He wasn't hideous, he was quite average looking, but I just wasn't initially attracted to him at all.
By coffee/dessert, I was smitten. He was witty, charming, hilarious, fascinating, intriguing . . . I had the most fun I'd had on a date in years. And then, viewing him (his physical appearance) through the lens of all I had learned about his personality and wit and charm? Yeah, I was definitely finding him sexually attractive.
This is such a great story! This is the way it works! Thanx, Martini!
For one thing, the average woman can easily devote herself to school/work/etc. during her early- and mid-20s, not even have to think about dating if she doesn't want to, because she knows she can get plenty of dates lined up as soon as she chooses to put herself on the market. Whereas the average guy in his adult dating years has to devote his time not only to making money, but also to
getting romantically/sexually experienced
making a lot of friends
looking good (which is hard if you're a guy, because you can't do anything about your physical traits that factor the most into your overall attractiveness)
if he wants any chance of not being considered a loser.
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Those other things are what you notice after you establish the sexual attraction. That's icing on the cake. But if you fundamentally feel no sexual attraction to them whatsoever then the other things don't matter. I obviously agree that once you find someone who is sexually attractive the other things are important. I've never felt love for someone based on just finding them sexually attractive...however, I also have never felt love for someone if I don't feel the sexual attraction.
