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I stumbled across this particular post (although there are literally thousands on the web that say the exact same things and ask the exact same question at the end). Here's is part of it:
Quote:
Will I ever find a girl that loves me for who I am?
I am a 21 year old male who has never been in a relationship before. I currently attend college and work on the weekends. I play guitar & piano and would consider myself to be quite mature for my age. From what I'm told I am relatively attractive, but I seem to have a very hard time finding a decent girl that has mutual feelings for me. My heart has been shattered twice (for being a virgin---[Thrillobyte: I don't understand what he's saying here] ) and feel very self-conscious about never even kissing a girl, let alone sleeping with one. I do it out of respect, but have been looked down upon because of it. I just feel like the vast majority of women my age are interested in guys who attend parties, smoke weed, and play beer pong...I honestly have no idea what to do about this.
Several things we can glean from this that might help the "nice" guys in here who find themselves in identical predicaments:
1. He's a nice guy---strike one for age 15-30 guys.
2. He's a virgin, never even kissed a girl---strike two for age 15-30 guys
3. He's had his heart broken; twice---strike three. You're out!
Note, in addition to being a nice guy, therefore emotionally vulnerable, therefore prone to exhibitions of crying and other undesirable behaviors perceived by young girls 15-25 as denoting weakness and wimpishness, he also refrains from activities that are common for most guys his age.
Now, I know girls come along and say, "Give it time. You're a great guy. Any girl would be lucky to have you." This strikes me as being purely condensing, even though it might be true on its face. For one thing, most girls who would say this are probably 15-20 years older than him and likely to be more attracted to this kind of guy, having had their fill of the jerks. For another, girls in his age group who say this would likely be saying it the way a sister would talk to her brother in the same situation (Platonically).
One girl answers him:
Quote:
Women stop chasing after idiots eventually Man, it'll be fine.
He replies:
Quote:
Thank you, I really appreciate this advice. My confidence and self-esteem hit rock bottom when my high school crush of 5 years led me on, and decided to go after my weed smoking "ex best friend and neighbor" two years ago. I still see them together to this very day, and it just kills me inside.
Do any guys in their teens-early 20's in here identify with this guy? Thinking back, I certainly do even though I have about 40 years on him. I was exactly the same way: clean-cut, artistic, wore my heart on both sleeves, not just one--prone to outbursts of tears when my heart was wounded. I realize now that except for a GF in high school, who was attracted to me because I played piano well and was in high school plays and generally had a high profile (it also didn't hurt that I looked like Gregory Peck, or so I was told) once high school was over she dumped me for her first BF who came back into her life after 3 years with me.
Question: does being told that a girl will eventually find him a desirable catch ten years down the road give him any kind of practical support right now when he is hurting emotionally? Or is the painful reality that he's likely to be alone through his entire 20's as I was, until I hit 30 and found one of these more "mature" girls who could see past the fact I wasn't a "bad boy"--even though she complains a little to this day that I am still somewhat a "stick in the mud." Which I admit is true.
I stumbled across this particular post (although there are literally thousands on the web that say the exact same things and ask the exact same question at the end). Here's is part of it:
Several things we can glean from this that might help the "nice" guys in here who find themselves in identical predicaments:
1. He's a nice guy---strike one for age 15-30 guys.
2. He's a virgin, never even kissed a girl---strike two for age 15-30 guys
3. He's had his heart broken; twice---strike three. You're out!
Note, in addition to being a nice guy, therefore emotionally vulnerable, therefore prone to exhibitions of crying and other undesirable behaviors perceived by young girls 15-25 as denoting weakness and wimpishness, he also refrains from activities that are common for most guys his age.
Now, I know girls come along and say, "Give it time. You're a great guy. Any girl would be lucky to have you." This strikes me as being purely condensing, even though it might be true on its face. For one thing, most girls who would say this are probably 15-20 years older than him and likely to be more attracted to this kind of guy, having had their fill of the jerks. For another, girls in his age group who say this would likely be saying it the way a sister would talk to her brother in the same situation (Platonically).
One girl answers him:
He replies:
Do any guys in their teens-early 20's in here identify with this guy? Thinking back, I certainly do even though I have about 40 years on him. I was exactly the same way: clean-cut, artistic, wore my heart on both sleeves, not just one--prone to outbursts of tears when my heart was wounded. I realize now that except for a GF in high school, who was attracted to me because I played piano well and was in high school plays and generally had a high profile (it also didn't hurt that I looked like Gregory Peck, or so I was told) once high school was over she dumped me for her first BF who came back into her life after 3 years with me.
Question: does being told that a girl will eventually find him a desirable catch ten years down the road give him any kind of practical support right now when he is hurting emotionally? Or is the painful reality that he's likely to be alone through his entire 20's as I was, until I hit 30 and found one of these more "mature" girls who could see past the fact I wasn't a "bad boy"--even though she complains a little to this day that I am still somewhat a "stick in the mud." Which I admit is true.
I am 25. I thought I had my dream woman but she cheated on me with a guy who had been in jail before. I was devastated. 5 years for nothing.
I am 25. I thought I had my dream woman but she cheated on me with a guy who had been in jail before. I was devastated. 5 years for nothing.
Its never "5 years for nothing". "We live, we learn, we die", thats it. If we are lucky the good times out number the bad by a little. We are in control of how we feel, no one else!
Nothing about his letter tells me that. In fact, he seems all too willing to blame his lack of success on others and to cast aspersions.
Not cool.
Exactly.
Guys who claim to be nice and say "nice guys finish last" raise red flags for me. Truly nice guys will find someone. Guys who say they are nice, though, often end up treating a girl well with the assumption they will 'get with her' and when they don't they become cold and resentful. Women do not owe sex to men just because the man doesn't act like a jerk to her.
Its never "5 years for nothing". "We live, we learn, we die", thats it. If we are lucky the good times out number the bad by a little. We are in control of how we feel, no one else!
And we grow! I could just as easily say 13-years for nothing with my ex husband cheating on me and leaving. On the surface I think "I wish I never met him!" But when I really think about it and all the parts and experiences of my life that never would have happened if I didn't take the path of marrying him, I don't really think I would trade it because it would mean also never having my daughter, or met a lot of my friends, and even my dog.
As for the OP... I've never really been loved in the romantic sense I don't think. My ex certainly didn't really love me (he was gay). And I am still searching for someone. But I don't need comfort and I don't worry about it because there is a lot of other love out there besides romantic love and I have a lot of that in spades.
Its never "5 years for nothing". "We live, we learn, we die", thats it. If we are lucky the good times out number the bad by a little. We are in control of how we feel, no one else!
Guys who claim to be nice and say "nice guys finish last" raise red flags for me. Truly nice guys will find someone. Guys who say they are nice, though, often end up treating a girl well with the assumption they will 'get with her' and when they don't they become cold and resentful. Women do not owe sex to men just because the man doesn't act like a jerk to her.
And too, when the people who are complaining, "woe is me, I'll never find anyone," say that they're in their early 20s, I have to roll my eyes a bit. Plenty of college-aged people are flakes who don't know what they want. That goes for both men and women. So it's not that people maliciously decide that they love jerks (or bimbos) and hate nice people, it's more that they haven't learned that fun and sexy only goes so far. Many people are not in the best headspace or the best relationship of their lives at 22. They've still got training wheels on.
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 04-17-2014 at 12:41 PM..
Question: does being told that a girl will eventually find him a desirable catch ten years down the road give him any kind of practical support right now when he is hurting emotionally? Or is the painful reality that he's likely to be alone through his entire 20's as I was, until I hit 30 and found one of these more "mature" girls who could see past the fact I wasn't a "bad boy"--even though she complains a little to this day that I am still somewhat a "stick in the mud." Which I admit is true.
It would have helped me immensely, especially if there was a reasonable timeline (ten years would have been fine) included.
NOBODY gave me ANY clues - my dysfunctional family was remarkably lame - and I was hurting badly in my misguided youth, to the point where I let my hurt destroy my career prospects, which were quite excellent at the time.
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Man, it'll be fine.
