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I have been messed up for a long time now. I used to be the most faithful person ever. Even my husband would laugh on the idea that I would ever cheat on anyone. Well, he's been wrong about that. In the last 6 years, I have been with my husband physically, but not emotionally. I guess this started after the emotional abuse he put on me which I posted here I gave my husband another chance...stupid of me?.
Instead of getting out, I kept trying to make our marriage work, but it has never worked. I end up cheating on him "emotionally" with three different men now. When I say emotionally, I mean that other man would be the only man I think about and I've become quite obsessed with each of them at different times. When I am "in love" with the other man, it makes me happy and I tend to forget about my bad marriage. I even have great sex with my husband, but only because I am thinking about the other man. When that "relationship" with the other man is over, then I am back to being unhappy again. When I say "relationship", I know it's not a real relationship, but mostly fantasies. These three other men have been 1)an ex BF and 1st love that I tried to get in contact again 2)a married coworker that didn't go so well, and now 3)a stranger who I see from time to time. I resorted to #1(my ex) because it was the last time I remember really being in love. I started falling for #2(married coworker) because he kept giving me attention. Just the way he looked at me and everything made me feel good again. That didn't go so well once we both got new jobs. Now I've fallen for a complete stranger who I know nothing about, but I simply just fantasize about him because he's good looking and he acknowledges me when I look at him. I make extra effort to bump into #3 as much as I can and if he ever asks me out, I would immediately say yes, but don't know what I would do after that. "Hello? I'm married, but have actually been alone these last 10 years. Save me."
I feel like a terrible wife and mother because I cheated on my marriage 3x now. My husband is being nice to me again (one month and counting), so it makes me feel worse than usual. I know I must get out, but I won't because I can't afford to right now. I would also hate to have our son live in two separate homes every week. We have discussed divorce and husband says we would have to split custody 50/50 or it will be hell.
We have even talked about living as roommates while we are free to date, but that didn't work out so well. We just end up having sex with each other and still do family things because we love our son. I feel selfish for staying in this marriage mostly due to financial reasons. I am not being fair to anyone.
The thought of finding someone who I love and who truly loves me is nice, but I feel like that's only a dream now. After lurking through this forum for weeks now, I'm afraid to date again. It sounds awful out there especially for a divorced single mom. I feel like I have too much baggage to even date again even though I know I have a lot to offer, including A LOT of love. Sometimes, I feel that I am a better person now because of what I've been through. "To my true love: Sometimes, I feel that I was meant to experience all the things I've experienced just so I could be ready to love and be loved by you." - unknown. Ha, yeah right.
Oh for the love of... Just pull the plug on your marriage already. Your kid will survive and probably do better than he's going to in such a dysfunctional home environment. I grew up in a home with unhappily married parents and "family togetherness" time was EXCRUCIATING for me. I'm also 36 and shy away from the idea of marriage like it's barbed wire.
I've dated a few guys with kids, and the alternating custody doesn't seem to have had too much of an adverse affect on their children. Of course the parents were both fairly sane, so they were able to put the kids' interests first. Not sure if your husband falls into that category, but that's all the more reason to get out of the marriage.
As for dating, would you rather be with someone who makes you unhappy or alone and working on creating your own happiness whether you have someone or not. Being single isn't really all that scary, ya know.
If you really feel that the counseling is workiing and isn't a band-aid solution, then sure, stick with it and get a therapist all of your own to work on your other issues. But if it's just dragging out the dissolution of your marriage (which is what it sounds like to me), then just pull the plug and work on moving forward.
Keeping this up is just day dreaming your life away. You need support and it doesn't sound like you will even get it from your own family yet alone your husband.
Get him out, get a divorce, get counseling and take charge of your life. To me the worst feeling is not having any control over life and no way should you leave it to anyone else to define you.
Apparently, thinking about (aka fantasizing) someone who is not your spouse is totally normal/nonthreatening in this day and age and "everybody does it"! *sigh*
From reading your other thread, he deserves anything you throw at him. Go do it with one of those other guys and then come back to hubby and tell him what you did. Heck, film it and burn it to DVD. If he doesn't see it coming (no pun intended) then he's an idiot. I can't believe you put out for this dude. Someone who treats the mother of his child like crap needs to get punched in the neck.
What struck me is your words "save me". It sounds like you can't live your life without a man. You don't want your husband but you haven't left him, you are interested in 3 other men, and you're writing imaginary notes to your future man that you haven't even met yet. You just sound like a ghost in all of this. Who are you? Do you have any goals, interests, friends, work? Take a break from all the men and the fantasies about men, and work on your self-development. That alone will be rewarding, and when a real relationship happens in the future, it will be much more stable. You're not meant to just dissolve into the man you're dating.
About your financial difficulty in leaving, it's not selfish. Just find a way to save the money you need to leave and be self-sufficient.
The thread is 18 months old. What compelled you to resurrect and respond to an inactive thread?
well it made me look at the OP'S history. Her threads has been resurrected recently though coz it looks familiar. So I am doing a sherlock here. She has not posted since, I hope she is happy now, not dead, I hope. At first I thought she was trolling coz she referred to her husband as ex.
But it seems she did kick him out and decided to divorce but she gave him a chance. It seems to me too she comes from hot, attractive family since she said her husband is handsome. but she calls her ugly, and the ugly duckling of her family.
I think she is pretty to bag a handsome husband and if her siblings are prettier than her then they must all be hot.
Like in her post her husband is handsome so maybe he is used to hot women.
Now I would want to see a pic of her family and her husband to see how hot they really are, LOL
I am sure though they are hot am I bothered by it?
No coz I'm sure I'm hotter......
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