How do you know if you want to have kids with your girlfriend?

[rego00123]

When you don't question it anymore.

[70's Music Girl]

Harmonica44

My ori. post I was suggesting that it might be a good idea for you alone to seek out a therapist.

Perhaps interview 3 and see which one you feel you could work with.

Also, journaling is a great too, pen to paper. Just let your feelings flow and write, it's amazing what insight you may gain.

Here is something I thought about after leaving ori. post and I hope this doesn't sound negative but it's the reality for some.

I've know so many men and women over the years and it's the same story . .

. . . My Father left when I was 3 he was a free-spirit and couldn't handle family life and he wasn't cut out for it. This woman has only seen her Dad 5 - 6 times and is full of anger, very sad.

Another one is similar - Dad never quite made it back from Woodstock (so to speak) he's a free-spirit wanted to live like a gypsy meanwhile the kid is a grown man now never has seen his Dad lots of anger there who can blame him

I know a lot of stories like this and it's not fair to the kids or the wife. The woman has sought out therapy. Both of these Dads never wanted kids and I agree with a comment in a post not everyone is meant to be a parent.

Best of Luck to you

[noghre111]

So let's say you decide not to have kids.

Imagine you turn 50-60, and the movie making career doesn't happen for you.

You lost the love of your life, and have no kids.

You are risking something you definitely have now (a future w/ ur gf & children aka a family) for a career that may or may NOT happen.

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by harmonica44

But she does want kids, where as I feel I do not. Well I never wanted kids really.

That's the end right there. No kids. Don't do it. I've never met a guy yet that has decided not to have kids and regretted it. While I can't say the same for the opposite.

[monumentus]

Originally Posted by harmonica44

My friend's say that's crazy talk, and I would be a fantastic dad.

Non squitur error from your friends there. Just because you might be good at something - in no way suggests you should want to do it. There are many things in life I know I would be really good at if I were to engage in them. I simply have no desire to do them.

Originally Posted by harmonica44

They also said that you don't want kids until you've had them.

That is one of those statements that Daniel Dennett would call a "deepity". Something that is superficially true but says nothing at all really. There are biological and other reasons why you will love your children deeply if you were to have them. That is a retrospective argument. It is not an argument that you should want to have them.

And actually it is not even that true on the face of it. Many people have children and regret it terribly.

Originally Posted by harmonica44

My gf seems to think I want them.

I would recommend clarifying your feelings on the matter ASAP so as not to allow her to proceed in the relationship under false pretences.

Originally Posted by harmonica44

the doctor talked me out of it, and put fear in me of possibly regret, based on other patients, who change their minds later, even though they seem certain at the time.

Then change doctors. Because a vacectomy is a very very easily reversed procedure. Some of them even naturaly reverse themselves. Not many, but some. So whatever your doctor was telling you was done so out of either an agenda (which you do not want from a doctor) or out of medical ignorance (which you certainly do not want from a doctor).

Originally Posted by harmonica44

But now that I have been in love for a while now, I kind of feel like I want to give her children to make her happy.

Terrible idea. Having children is something you should do for her AND you. Not something you merely do for someone else. And while you make the decision with the well meaning intent of making her happy - you risk making a decision to make her happy in the short time that will end up making you - her - and your child(ren) miserable in the long term. Do. Not. Do. This.

Originally Posted by harmonica44

But I don't want our loving relationship to be ruined just because I wasn't ready, if I am going to be later.

I would advise making your decisions based on what you know to be true now - not on what might come to be true in the future but likely wont.

Originally Posted by harmonica44

My friends say I would be crazy to end the relationship, and that she is the perfect woman for me, and that I should just grow up and have kids, since everyone wants them later on in life anyway.

No "everyone" does not. Your friends are simply lying to you here.

Originally Posted by harmonica44

My gf says that even though I am not ready for kids, you got jump in head first a lot and do things that you are not ready for in life, before it's too late.

Yes. A lot of things. But not EVERY thing. This is not one of them.

Originally Posted by harmonica44

Okay thanks. We have seen a therapist about it, and he said I was being selfish too, and that wanting a busy moviemaking career is insensitive to the relationship and possible future kids.

Then change therapists while you are changing doctor because this one is breaching therapy ethics. Therapists are not there to be judgemental and come out with statements like this. They are there to help you guide yourself through a process without casting judgements or opinions or making decisions for you.

You seem to have a really bad doctor and an even worse therapist. Change them. Now.

[kat949]

Originally Posted by harmonica44

I love my gf and she loves me and I actually want to marry her after a year of dating. But she does want kids, where as I feel I do not. Well I never wanted kids really.

My friend's say that's crazy talk, and I would be a fantastic dad. They also said that you don't want kids until you've had them. Two of my friends who have had kids without planning concur on that. Once you have them, you want them.

I don't know if that's true, but it sounds like it very well could be, since people naturally love their children.

My gf seems to think I want them. She said if I never wanted kids this whole time, I would have gotten a vasectomy. I guess the reason why I never got a vasectomy is because a few years ago, when I decided I wanted one, the doctor talked me out of it, and put fear in me of possibly regret, based on other patients, who change their minds later, even though they seem certain at the time. But she says I would have gotten one if I didn't want them.

She and my friends asked me why I don't want kids. Well I guess the reason is, is that I never really desired to have the responsibility. I want to focus on career, and travel. I want to get into the filmmaking business and that would eat up a lot of time. But even if I did have time in between, I still never desired children ever.

My gf who knows me very well, says the reason might not want to have a kid is because of my own childhood trauma. And it is possibly true, and I feel I want not much to do with kids, cause when I think of my trauma, I then think I don't want anything to do with raising kids, or anything to do with childhood. My gf says that it's fear that is keeping me from knowing if I want kids or not, and I should not make a decision based on fear.

That may be true that that's the reason, but maybe it's okay to decide what you want out of life, based on past experiences although bad... If that's the main reason at all. Maybe I just never wanted any.

But now that I have been in love for a while now, I kind of feel like I want to give her children to make her happy. I don't want any myself personally, but I kind of have the strong desire to make her happy. This would be after we are married of course, but she wants me to make a decision in the next few months, cause otherwise she feel the relationship won't go anywhere, since she wants something that I may very well don't.

She is at a different stage in her life than me. I am 29 and she is 37, going on 38. But I don't want our loving relationship to be ruined just because I wasn't ready, if I am going to be later. Her clock is ticking of course as she puts it, and wants to settle down and have a family.

My friends say I would be crazy to end the relationship, and that she is the perfect woman for me, and that I should just grow up and have kids, since everyone wants them later on in life anyway. How do I figure it out?

Mostly it's the filmmaking career I want, and it takes up a lot of time to get good and be available for jobs. You have to pick up and go, spur the moment, in order to be taken seriously when you start out.

My gf says that even though I am not ready for kids, you got jump in head first a lot and do things that you are not ready for in life, before it's too late. That explains why I am kind of a late bloomer, when it comes to finding a career or going to school I guess, cause I felt I wasn't ready before, and in retrospect, I wish I had done things sooner, and accomplished more. I wouldn't want to make the same mistake and miss out on an opportunity with kids, if I am to regret it later.

What do you think? Thanks.

I never really wanted to have kids either. Still don't. But, you know what, when you meet someone you really really love, don't be surprised if you'd be open to the possibility.

Believe me. I never was one for the big wedding kids and all, but somewhere deep down inside of me, when I meet someone I really connect with my heart's open to it.

Perhaps, it's a sign you may want to let your GF find a more suitable mate. Maybe you guys don't quite mesh as well on some level. You mentioned not being in similar stages in life..

[monumentus]

Originally Posted by kat949

I never really wanted to have kids either. Still don't. But, you know what, when you meet someone you really really love, don't be surprised if you'd be open to the possibility.

I think the reason he felt motivated to write the OP is that he HAS met someone he really loves and he has NOT felt compelled to explore that possibility - but has been somewhat pressured into it and from many sources has been told he is wrong to feel as he does.

[70's Music Girl]

I really like the advice of one post:
make your decision on what you know to be true now, not on what might come to be true in the future but most likely wont.

Also, he's 29 now - let's say in 10 years starts feeling he wants kids - he can have them - men really can have kids at any age - doesn't mean a man in his 60s should have kids, but they can.

I wish them both well

[harmonica44]

Okay thanks. I will see a therapist on my own, and am on the list, but I won't be able to get into one, insurance wise, for 6 months. My gf is on the clock and I have to make a decision. I told her that she maybe should consider other men who want kids since she does.

For the past few weeks she has been really heartbroken, and says it's too late for her. It took her till she was 37 to find a man she fell in love with and wants to start a family with, and now that she is 38, there is no way for her to find another man to marry before she reaches 40. That's what she says anyway. She says she is not going to have kids once she reaches 40, and that she is going to get her tubes tide now. She said she would rather be with me without kids, than to loose both. But how do I know that that's what will make her happy?

How do I talk her out of it and give her hope? I love her and don't want to loose her, but if me leaving her, so she can have kids with someone else, is the best thing for her, than I want her to be happy and reach her goals. But how do I make her see things differently, or what should I do?

Thanks.

[heartmydeals]

Originally Posted by harmonica44

Okay thanks. I will see a therapist on my own, and am on the list, but I won't be able to get into one, insurance wise, for 6 months. My gf is on the clock and I have to make a decision. I told her that she maybe should consider other men who want kids since she does.

For the past few weeks she has been really heartbroken, and says it's too late for her. It took her till she was 37 to find a man she fell in love with and wants to start a family with, and now that she is 38, there is no way for her to find another man to marry before she reaches 40. That's what she says anyway. She says she is not going to have kids once she reaches 40, and that she is going to get her tubes tide now. She said she would rather be with me without kids, than to loose both. But how do I know that that's what will make her happy?

How do I talk her out of it and give her hope? I love her and don't want to loose her, but if me leaving her, so she can have kids with someone else, is the best thing for her, than I want her to be happy and reach her goals. But how do I make her see things differently, or what should I do?

Thanks.

- Yes, there is a way and she's just not giving that a chance. Some people can meet and get married within months assuming that their goals are aligned with one another. Sometimes, the best things in life comes around when you least expect it to. If she doesn't explore that possibility, then yes there would be no way at all.

- You don't know. Nobody does. Maybe down the line, she would be happy that she chose you over kids or resent you for not having kids with her. Or resent herself for not trying to find a mate to have kids with. Nobody knows. If we all knew our futures, we would be rich and happy.

- You can not talk her out of having kids just like how she cannot talk you into having kids right now. You're just both at a different phase in your life and nobody should have to explain themselves or "set the other person straight." There's no right or wrong, you just have to do with what's best for your life right NOW.

- Your girlfriend seems to have given up, which is not good since there may be resentment down the line. I would sit down with her and tell her that she's still got TIME to find the one who can make her happy and be willing to start a family with her. Say if two years pass by and she still hasn't found the one, then maybe THEN she can give up. If your love was meant to be, then yes you may both find each other again in two years.