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Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, The World!
146 posts, read 267,965 times
Reputation: 227
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I'm a member of a dating site.
I received a 'kiss' from a guy.
He had a nice profile photo of his face but lived a little too far away for my liking (31miles/50km). What he had written about himself was OK, although he did state he was looking for someone who lived within a 10km/6mile radius, so it was odd he had contacted me) and so I sent a 'kiss' back to find out more about him.
He replied with another 'kiss' and access to his private photos. These pictures show he is confined to a wheelchair.
What do you think?
Should a person on a dating site be upfront about their disability if it is an obvious one that could affect/limit the type of relationship they can have?
Would you consider a relationship with someone in a wheelchair (I assume this man is paralysed from the waist down)?
Would you consider dating someone in a wheelchair, but not if the person mislead you (arguably, not mentioning a significant physical disability in your dating profile is an act of deception) about it?
Absolutely, he is right about being upfront about his disability. I think if he's in a wheelchair he should say something right away. Nothing like leading someone on and then a person finding out that he's in a wheelchair and they feel differently about him.
If the person was attractive, kind, nice and was compatible for me, I would definitely date him even if he was in a wheelchair. First, though, I would have to know what his illness is so I would know how functional he is so that I could make my decision. Do you know why he is in the wheelchair?
Someone told me once that they met someone off of a dating site once, and they didn`t say anything about their disability. When she arrived at the coffee shop to meet him, she didn`t realize that he was handicapped from the legs down because he was sitting behind a table..until they got ready to leave....
Someone told me once that they met someone off of a dating site once, and they didn`t say anything about their disability. When she arrived at the coffee shop to meet him, she didn`t realize that he was handicapped from the legs down because he was sitting behind a table..until they got ready to leave....
Wow, that's crazy! I would feel very odd after that.
Yea, that is one of those things one should be upfront about.
I think when and how you tell someone about your disability is a personal choice. Personally, I'm upfront about my deaf-blindness and that's what works for me. For someone else who has been rejected time and time again because of it, I can understand their desire to mention it later down the line, though I do think mentioning any major obvious disabilities before meeting in person is wise, if for no other reason, than logistics. If I didn't tell people I was deaf-blind ahead of time, they would have NO idea how to communicate with me in person. So I let them know and give them options so that we can be calm about it, instead of being hush-hush and then having them show up, freak out, and not know what to do. I think by being upfront people have understood from me that I don't see it as a huge obstacle and I'm secure about it (meaning I don't have any weird complexes stemming from it).
By the way don't assume he's paralyzed from the waist down. Not all wheelchair users have it for the same reason. I have several wheelie friends who use it for the same condition I have (fibromyalgia/arthritis), except I don't need a wheelchair for it. And it is something that would make a difference if it ever came to living with him. There's a lot of variety in ability even among wheelies. Some can control their bladder; some can't. Some can self-catheterize (take care of their bathroom business alone) and others need a caregiver to do it for them. Some wheelies have full use of their arms while others have partial use or no use. Some wheelies aren't even paralyzed or anything but need the wheels cause they just can't stand or walk for long. So don't assume--just let him tell you when it comes up.
I would date someone in a wheelchair regardless of how upfront about it they were. I can understand why someone would only mention it later so I wouldn't feel personally misled or deceived.
Last edited by nimchimpsky; 01-15-2011 at 07:07 PM..
Well, I guess I really wouldn't categorize this as "an act of deception"... he did display clearly in his pictures that he's in a wheelchair, right? He gave you access to that before you had ever gone on a date. I think it's reasonable to screen just the tiniest amount before revealing very personal details that someone feels sensitive about.
While, yes, he is in a wheelchair, that is just one part of him. There's no reason he should have to put that as the very first sentence and there's no reason he should have to confess it before a girl has even "kissed" back, showing the tiniest bit of interest. Probably you didn't confess some things of your own... a flabby area, a break-up in your past where you acted like a fool, an insecurity over xyz... we all filter, only letting in more honesty as we learn to trust a person. Some of us are just more honest about it than others.
If you feel uncomfortable going on a date because of this, then that's your choice. We all have to make the choice that's right for us. But I definitely wouldn't try to push it off on the guy for being "deceptive" about it, because I suspect that's just some part of your head trying to find an easy out, rather than admit you aren't interested in him anymore because of his disability. Again, I don't judge you for that because most people have preferences even if some are more forthcoming about it than others, but call a spade a spade.
Should a person on a dating site be upfront about their disability if it is an obvious one that could affect/limit the type of relationship they can have?
Would you consider a relationship with someone in a wheelchair (I assume this man is paralysed from the waist down)?
Would you consider dating someone in a wheelchair, but not if the person mislead you (arguably, not mentioning a significant physical disability in your dating profile is an act of deception) about it?
You should only use dating websites that have a full, mandatory medical history segment of the profile.
Or, less snarkily, exactly what nimchimpsky and magritte said
I feel that he should have had a wheelchair picture in his initial public picture/profile. Having his wheelchair pictures in his private pictures section is misleading. I think that it's fine for anyone to not want to date someone confined to wheelchair. With this "kiss" level of interest it now makes it awkward for the O.P. or anyone else who "kisses" him to gracefully back out of dating process.
Women are a lot more forgiving of handicaps than men are. Look at all the women who are penpals or more of those in prison, and they started the correspondences after the men were arrested and locked up.
There are plenty of women who are willing to start a romance with a man in a wheelchair or without a job, but it's because they are being realistic about what kind of man they can get to want to date them back. And the men with some sort of handicap (wheelchair, lack of a job) need to accept that they aren't going to get a woman to date that can get a guy without a handicap. It's just like looking for a job. If you have great work skills (doctor, mechanic, CPA, lawyer, carpenter etc...) you aren't going to settle for being a dishwasher or cashier for years on end. It is just the nature of the dating scene that those that have the most positive attributes (beauty, fitness, money, charm) get the most dating interest in real life and online. And those with lesser positive attributes get much less romantic attention, that's just a fact of life, even in nature. So it's best to be very upfront with an online profile as the truth will eventually come out.
Maybe people on dating sites with a physical handicap should put a discrete small blue handicapped emblem somewhere on their profile page. They will still get responses, but just not as many as someone without a handicap.
The guy has a picture of himself in the wheelchair. Enough disclosure. There is no reason for him to broadcast it loud and clear that he is disabled.
That picture was in his private photo album, not on his initial public profile page. In real life, she'd have seen the wheelchair first and been able to make a decision whether or not to be in a possible romantic situation with him. It was on a dating site for single people, not a platonic friendship site... not with all that "kissing" going on. They had not other mutual interest or hobby to share other than eventually going on a first date.
How would you men feel if you were on a singles dating site and were "kissed" or "winked" at by a woman with a decent headshot, but later on found out that she was in a wheelchair, or obese, or a welfare mom, or she was originally born a male? How long would you continue with the polite emails of interest or coffee house dates before breaking off all contact?
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