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I don't get it. If you look really good, why isn't she trying harder to keep you?
The 28 year old girl you mention.. sounds like she will give you what you need in a relationship, even if it's just friends.
May I ask why you're hung up on this other girl? What is it about her that you can't let go?
Agree with you and everything you said and actually wondered it myself..
What you describe with your BF.. sounds like an Aries I know.
Why she is not trying to keep me. Take a look at this picture...we go out people are hitting on me...I go to her restaurant to see her people are hitting on me...Please don't think I am some kind of an egoistic person I am just trying to "paint a picture". Anyway, I don't take advantage of that I was very devoted to her. She is very insecure and that's is why she was hiding her feelings. So the more she was playing hard to get she figured the more she keeps me. She noticed that I am the one wanted something I am the one that complained. That told her that I was into her so she played the hard to get. She was used to me waiting for her at her place when she comes home. The last two weeks I came home around the same time she did so she kissed me pretending that she didn't care but when we went to bed she never cuddled. That's how I knew that she was pissed off. Also the next day she asked me where I was. I was simply with my friends but if you can see what I am trying to "paint" here. I am not saying that she never tried to get me back but I guess I am a natural girl and I wasn't trying to challenge her to keep me. If I played the hard to get game which is not my game I am a 100% sure that we would be still together. And this was a turn off for me also that 5 month into the relationship when she knows how devoted I am she still trying to play the headgames at age 47! It's called insecurities and ego that is why she is not trying hard to get me and that is why she never had a long term relationship. Before me she used to date with 20-28 year olds who didn't care chasing her and after they relaized too the same thing I realized in 5 months. So I think this is why I got hung up on this one...I was mentally challenged and in the meantime I fell in love. In the gay world unfortunatelly a lot of lesbians have insecurities and they use this mental game as a weapon to get or keep what they want. Also they want you when you challenge them like her exes cheated on her so she went back crying for them to get hem back.
When they see an attractive girl they use this technic and I guess when they see they are loosing their power they let you go....I guess it's called manipulation? Sounds like a lot of drama and that's why I was always interested in older woman...guess what...an older woman can act like a child and a 28 years old can act like an 40 years old.
I was surprised that my description of my BF reminded her of an Aries she knows, because he's an aries too. But when I looked up info on his sign, it didn't seem to nail him that much. My son is an aquarius and his sign description fit him pretty well.
I think it's good that you're changing up the scenery, meeting a different circle of friends. You will eventually end up somewhere that is right for you.
I totally understand your fury at what she did to you in front of her family. It was hurtful, patronizing, embarassing, mean, disrespectful, and completely uncalled for. Kind of like punishing you for your feelings. I would feel alienated also if someone took me to a place where I knew no one (or had only met them once) and then didn't enact any social graces to pull you into the fold, ESPECIALLY after you two had just made up and were still kind of on rocky grounds. Sometimes the making up part doesn't completely fix all the devestation of the fight that just took place.
Some people (my boyfriend) have a hard time giving when they feel they are pressured into it. And for him, if I just tell him I need something, that's enough to make him feel pressured and so he backs away and gives even less.
Lately I've been looking at words versus action. He said to me one night that he has a hard time opening up and that he knows he's been wrong and that he wants to talk to me but it wasn't the right time. So, since he came out so strong, I expected him to make way, make time, set things aside, make it a priority, to come over and talk with me.
Well the next night, he had to rush home to fix his torches on his man thingy. Then the next night, he had errands to run. Then it was the weekend and he had his kids. Then it was Sunday night and he was tired. Then it was Monday night and he was tired. Then it was Tues night and he had to fix his dryer belt. Then it was Wed, and there was something else....
It's been 2 weeks.
Words are good, but I guess the problem comes in when there aren't enough of the right actions to support the truth of the words.
I've been fair and tried to realize that there really are people that do FEEL the way they say they feel but they just don't know how to translate that into action. There are people that get pressured if they feel like they've said it twice, and the other person isn't satisfied and seems to need to hear it over and over.
I don't know very many people who don't need to hear the words repeated every now and again because especially if one starts to feel a little neglected, they wonder if those words the other said are still true.
My boyfriend just told me yesterday that when he gets back from his relatives, things are going to change because he wants me to be in his life and doesn't like the way things are going. Those are strong words. But if he doesn't take any action, then they become just words and nothing more.
I think it's when words and actions don't go together, that communication becomes important... like you trying to tell her your needs... she has to be able to show that she cares to hear about them, and that she respects your feelings. Even if she doesn't agree, even if she can't meet your needs, this is where she should listen, and then communicate back to you her position. She should be able to be honest and say she feels pressure, or whatever.
But the worse thing (at least for my relationship with my boyfriend) is the silent treatment. Whether she's doing it because she honestly feels too much pressure and is reacting negatively and doesn't know what to do... or whether she's subconsciously punishing you.... If you're like me, the worse thing is to have days and days with the pain of this issue and her not feeling any compulsion to move toward resolving it.
THAT'S probably the biggest thing that is causing me to be unable to turn around. I've already started walking. And at first, I was within eyesight and earshot. I was walking but I would have stopped and listened. But an issue that is left in a negative state under a carpet, just gets stronger.
I was reading that even if an issue is unresolvable at the current time, at least both parties should agree to give it a break and let it rest then come back to it later. That way it has positive energy attached to it because there's a common goal that unites the both of you to fix an issue that you both care about. It's not some negative painful issue that only one cares about that is left sitting there, forming a wedge between the 2 of you.
Her silence is translating to that she either doesn't care or she's punishing you. Just like the living statues, it appears she can hold this pose for quite awhile and not be in much pain.
But you are the one it's the most painful for because it appears to you that she doesn't consider you very valuable.
You are valuable. You deserve a relationship with someone that recognizes that.
You must have a lot of patient for your BF. I don't have the time and the energy to adjust I only have time and energy to move on and talk to wonderful people like you and everybody in this board. I can tell she is a very good friend material but when it's comes to relationships...forget it..So once I move on I wouldn't mind having her as a friend because she has a good heart deep down...
I like to analize...
I am just wondering if her parents have said anything about what she did was wrong? Her parents are very nice and warm just wondering....because even If I was a mother and my daughter emberassing her partner in front of me and my family I would have said something to my daughter privately...
I would say something in private to my son if I saw him doing that to someone. Who knows if the parents said anything. Relationships (family or romantic) seem like they should be simple, based on a few rules of respect, consideration, and caring, but most of the time, for me anyway, relationships are complex and confusing, full of manipulations, insecurities, etc. Friendships are the only relationships that seem honest and straight forward. Lovers and family members, for instance, can say a sentence to you that says one thing with words they use, but the same sentence can have a second message said with tones or double meaning on the words.
I've given up on BF. I still try to analyze and understand just so that I can feel like I tried everything I could think of. But inside me, I can tell that I'm no longer willing to waste time on him. I don't believe that we can work through our issues because the only time things are smooth is when I just keep my mouth shut and don't try to tell him what I need or how I'm feeling.
I recognize that I still have feelings for him, I wish it could have been what I needed, I still have love for him, but it's different now. I can accept that I care about him as a person and feel love for him, but I definitely don't want the relationship I'd have with him.
I can change a few things about myself to fit someone else, but if I have to change too many things, then that means I'm sacrificing who I am just to be what someone else wants me to be. In that case I'd also be accepting a relationship where I'd feel slightly lonely because he's not there to relate to anything about me and he wouldn't even know who I am.
I would say something in private to my son if I saw him doing that to someone. Who knows if the parents said anything. Relationships (family or romantic) seem like they should be simple, based on a few rules of respect, consideration, and caring, but most of the time, for me anyway, relationships are complex and confusing, full of manipulations, insecurities, etc. Friendships are the only relationships that seem honest and straight forward. Lovers and family members, for instance, can say a sentence to you that says one thing with words they use, but the same sentence can have a second message said with tones or double meaning on the words.
I've given up on BF. I still try to analyze and understand just so that I can feel like I tried everything I could think of. But inside me, I can tell that I'm no longer willing to waste time on him. I don't believe that we can work through our issues because the only time things are smooth is when I just keep my mouth shut and don't try to tell him what I need or how I'm feeling.
I recognize that I still have feelings for him, I wish it could have been what I needed, I still have love for him, but it's different now. I can accept that I care about him as a person and feel love for him, but I definitely don't want the relationship I'd have with him.
I can change a few things about myself to fit someone else, but if I have to change too many things, then that means I'm sacrificing who I am just to be what someone else wants me to be. In that case I'd also be accepting a relationship where I'd feel slightly lonely because he's not there to relate to anything about me and he wouldn't even know who I am.
Very true! When I don't say anything everything is OK but at the same time it bothers me and she is confortable. Or...she is waiting for me to bring it up to check if I cared. She already knows what I don't like so what she did many times she did what I didn't like and see if I am going to say something about it. There was a time when I didn't say anything which was hard and her attitude changes. She tries to pick on her dog when I knew it wasn't about the dog it was about that I didn't care. I don't have time to play games. I want to be natural in a relationship where I can just give naturally and not being taking advantage of. I don't want to play the games like holding back just to challenge someone to like me and make it more interested. I have to go now because I will be meeting the 28 year old to go out and I will keep everybody posted about how my night went not with my friend but seeing our mutual friends. I am kind of nervous because I know they know the story...her side of the story. So "see" you guys tomorrow!
Well my night went well. I saw the mutual friends. I didn't say anything about what happened at all. I found out that she didn't go to the Christmas day party (the day we broke up) saying that she hurt her back which I don't beleive... I think she might be hurting too. So anyway they saw me with this 28 years old, and they were looking at me strainge. Today I am going to see her again just to hang out but I feel kind of sad because this is the weekend and I was usually at my ex house. It hurts to realize that she really wasn't into me because I heard that before me she tried to get her exes back after they cheated on her. I guess deep down I am expecting her to apologize even though I know that I wouldn't take her back. It's just shocking that all of the sudden I ended and she is not even trying anything like before....not to mention that the night before the break up she said that she won't let me go and not to leave bla bla and that hurts. But I am going to make myself busy...suprisingly I am not as hurt as before but I am sure everyday will be different. As long as i get over the weekends I am sure the next weekend will be easier. I am sure the gossip is already delivered to her that I was hanging out with this hot woman and probably she is even more pissed...
Why she is not trying to keep me. Take a look at this picture...we go out people are hitting on me...I go to her restaurant to see her people are hitting on me...Please don't think I am some kind of an egoistic person I am just trying to "paint a picture".
I reread what I wrote and hope you didn't take it wrong.. Obviously I don't know you.. it was more of a why isn't she trying harder to keep you then your looks. Been there and done that, I think we all have lol
Quote:
Originally Posted by mojow
I was surprised that my description of my BF reminded her of an Aries she knows, because he's an aries too. But when I looked up info on his sign, it didn't seem to nail him that much. My son is an aquarius and his sign description fit him pretty well.
There is a difference between female Aries & male. I'll have to find the site I found the info I read at one time.. Most sites I've read, the general description was true more so for the female, not the male. I know both of the Aries sign, they are like night and day. Same is true for my sign, Pisces.. I'm always doing something, but with the Pisces men that I know, they have no motivation and are quite lazy compared to the Pisces women I know.
Quote:
Originally Posted by katalin
This is was a virgo with major issues
I don't know any women Virgo's.. I do know a male Virgo that does not fit what is linked on that page except for the overcritical and harsh. I remember reading about Virgo's a while ago, will have to see if I can find the one I read.
Quote:
Originally Posted by katalin
It hurts to relize that she really wasn't into me because I heard that before me she tried to get her exes back after they cheated on her. I guess deep down I am expecting her to apologize even though I know that I wouldn't take her back. It's just shocking that all of the sudden I ended and she is not even trying anything like before....not to mention that the night before the break up she said that she won't let me go and not to leave bla bla and that hurts.
Well, if she did that after they cheated, she may be calling you because she thinks you are moving on. You have to decide what to do from there if it happens.
Hopefully you can keep busy this weekend. Monday will be here before you know it.
I reread what I wrote and hope you didn't take it wrong.. Obviously I don't know you.. it was more of a why isn't she trying harder to keep you then your looks. Been there and done that, I think we all have lol
There is a difference between female Aries & male. I'll have to find the site I found the info I read at one time.. Most sites I've read, the general description was true more so for the female, not the male. I know both of the Aries sign, they are like night and day. Same is true for my sign, Pisces.. I'm always doing something, but with the Pisces men that I know, they have no motivation and are quite lazy compared to the Pisces women I know.
I don't know any women Virgo's.. I do know a male Virgo that does not fit what is linked on that page except for the overcritical and harsh. I remember reading about Virgo's a while ago, will have to see if I can find the one I read.
Well, if she did that after they cheated, she may be calling you because she thinks you are moving on. You have to decide what to do from there if it happens.
Hopefully you can keep busy this weekend. Monday will be here before you know it.
She is a smart intelligent woman and like to have smart conversation. She dated many teachers before me. So it wasn't only my look why she was interested in me. She told me many times that what she likes about me is that I can carry a conversation about anything but obviously it's still wasn't good enough to keep me. Just like her exes....they weren't good enough to be in a relationship so they became friends. So I don't feel bad in that part. I don't feel that bad because at age 47 she should have at least one long term relationship. I had 3 very long term relationships. Sometimes I think maybe I did something wrong but when I look at her pattern I shouldn't feel bad. When she talks about her past and talk about the woman she dated she only mention 5 or 6 months dating. Of course she had longer relationships but 80%last only few monts. And she hardly have friends besides her exes. As a matter fact I don't know anybody else in the "circle" she hasn't been with. It was weird to me at first when we started dating. We went to her ex house party and my friend pulled me aside and said to me: don't you feel weird you are in the room with 4 woman and all of her exes friends now. And it was funny too when she talked about this woman friend in California and just being funny I asked her if she was "with" her before and she said yes she was my first. And I am thinking to myself am I going to meet some freinds of yours that you haven't been with???!!!
I just feel hurt that after what she did in front of her family she is acting like she didn't do anything wrong.
She is a smart intelligent woman and like to have smart conversation. She dated many teachers before me. So it wasn't only my look why she was interested in me. She told me many times that what she likes about me is that I can carry a conversation about anything but obviously it's still wasn't good enough to keep me. Just like her exes....they weren't good enough to be in a relationship so they became friends. So I don't feel bad in that part. I don't feel that bad because at age 47 she should have at least one long term relationship. I had 3 very long term relationships. Sometimes I think maybe I did something wrong but when I look at her pattern I shouldn't feel bad. When she talks about her past and talk about the woman she dated she only mention 5 or 6 months dating. Of course she had longer relationships but 80%last only few monts. And she hardly have friends besides her exes. As a matter fact I don't know anybody else in the "circle" she hasn't been with. It was weird to me at first when we started dating. We went to her ex house party and my friend pulled me aside and said to me: don't you feel weird you are in the room with 4 woman and all of her exes friends now. And it was funny too when she talked about this woman friend in California and just being funny I asked her if she was "with" her before and she said yes she was my first. And I am thinking to myself am I going to meet some freinds of yours that you haven't been with???!!!
Some people can't have long relationships for what ever reason. For me it was always 2 or 3 years, rare that it was shorter, but I'm sure there was a handful of those lol
It wasn't until I was older (late 20's) that I even had a relationship at 5+ years.. I'm now on my 2nd.
With her dating / being friends with all of her ex's, how easy is it to meet other women? How did the two of you meet?
Quote:
Originally Posted by katalin
I just feel hurt that after what she did in front of her family she is acting like she didn't do anything wrong.
You know she was wrong.. everyone that's posted here also thinks she was wrong. You can't change someone. For what ever reason either she doesn't think she did anything wrong or she is focusing on what you've done that's wrong to "justify" what she's done; like payback. She won't apologize because you hurt her for breaking up with her on Christmas.
If she's like the male Virgo I know, don't hold you breath.
She is a smart intelligent woman and like to have smart conversation.
I just feel hurt that after what she did in front of her family she is acting like she didn't do anything wrong.
Just because she is smart and intelligent, doesn't mean that she knows how to have a good healthy relationship. My mother is very smart, intelligent and charming to others, but she has a very toxic side to her. You'd think that she'd know better, but she apparently doesn't and is blind to her faults. Think of the character that Hugh Laurie plays on House, MD. Brilliant, charming when he wants to be and also manipulative. My biggest tv crush is on Dr. House, but what a huge mistake it would be to date a guy like that in real life!
This ex of yours is never going to change. And if she finally did apologize, to be honest, I wouldn't think it a sincere apology but one that someone else forced her to make to you.
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