Should a woman ever ask the dreaded "WEIGHT QUESTION"??? (wives, marriage)
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Here's some background: Me and my hubby have been married for 3 years and together for 7. The past few years I have had a son and put on some weight. Our sex life has diminished to maybe twice a month from a normal once a week over the past few years. So, obviously I was concerned with the cause because for me anyways it was affecting our relationship. Recently I asked him the dreaded question..."Are we not having as much sex because of my weight gain???" Now after his obvious fear of being trapped by such a blunt question and me assuring him that I would not be mad but needed and honest answer he did say that me losing weight would probably help in that department. Sure it was extremely hard to hear it but the thing is I needed to know if it was just a physical appearance thing or if we had bigger problems. In my mind weight can be lost but if it was someting else we would have bigger problems! I have no worries of another woman etc., he loves me and my son dearly and is definitely not that type of guy.
So is this a problem with alot of guys but they are just terrified to answer honestly? And if you're a woman do you think you could truly handle the answer?
In my own situation after hearing it I was pretty down for a good three days but afterwards really was glad to know it and it has motivated me more than I ever thought possible to get myself in shape. Any thoughts?
How overweight do you feel you are? And how has your husband's looks changed in the last seven years? Has he also gained weight? Also is he under any extra stresses from work? How is he as a dad? Does he enjoy his family time?
I wonder if the two of you have just drifted apart. After seven years, the infatuation part of the relationship naturally fades away. Good long term relationships need constant grooming and maintenance. Also, maybe he seems you more as the mother of his son and less as a lover.
My thoughts is that before you confront him with this question, why not try to lose a little weight beforehand. Give yourself a test run on having a healthier lifestyle. Try some little changes like walking more every day, drinking more water, less soda and caffiene and less fatty foods. My feelings are that if you ask him that question, what if he says that yes, your weight is a factor. Now it's on you to lose the weight. But if you can get on that path of changing your lifestyle in a way that is manageable and realistic to you, I feel it will be less stressful for you overall.
I think that if you are thinking that it could be your weight, then listen to that thought for your sake first, then for your marriage and son. And in a way, if you just quietly get back in shape, maybe update your hairstyle and lose your mom look... your husband will be happy that you did this on your own and not because he agreed that you are/were overweight. So my suggestion would be to lose the weight anyway and without fuss. Then woo your husband and add the romance back into your relationship.
I'm been reading stories of other people that have lost weight by walking more when doing their errands, drinking water, cutting out all sodas and eating sensibly. One person was eating six smaller meals a day.
If I'm ready to ask a question, I'm ready to hear the answer. Sometimes one needs to ask in order to get an answer because most men won't say anything unless you ask.
I think it can be an issue for a lot of men, but I also think a lot of men would never admit it... possibly not even to themselves, let alone thier spouse. So brace to hear a crescendo along the lines of "the guy has to be awfully shallow to feel that way". But at least your husband could give an honest answer to an honest question. I doubt many wives would have gotten an honest answer to that one!
In my opinion it's never just about the weight. So appearances are important to him....but like one post-er said, what about him? Men age too, and with varying degrees of grace. I have a low tolerance for double standards, so when men say they want me to look a certain way, but don't maintain that same standard for themselves, there is friction.
Also I've noticed and known with men they find a "mom" dramatically less sexy than a "wife" and many women run into their men just not feeling as sexy towards them in their new/different role as mother. Sounds to me like that might be a part of what's going on with you. If that is a dialogue you are able to explore with him in any way shape or form it might be helpful. Don't take on all the blame or guilt yourself, to me that is being unnecessarily hard on yourself and lets him off the hook totall for his responsibility as well: it takes two people to make a relationship work; and sex is generally a pretty reliable barometer / measure of other concerns going on in the relationship.
I think it can be an issue for a lot of men, but I also think a lot of men would never admit it... possibly not even to themselves, let alone thier spouse. So brace to hear a crescendo along the lines of "the guy has to be awfully shallow to feel that way". But at least your husband could give an honest answer to an honest question. I doubt many wives would have gotten an honest answer to that one!
I think you're right about hearing alot of negative responses coming my way. The rest of our relationship is fine. As far as his personal appearance it probably hasn't changed since he was in high school! Tall and skinny, hasn't gained or lost a pound in the 7 years I've known him. I really give him props for telling me the honest truth. He's most definitely not a shallow person and tells me that he still finds me very attractive etc. Just that my losing the weight would probably help our sex life. How can I deny that? If you're wife went from being overweight to being healthy and hot again how could it not?? I think along with the weight gain on my part I also have to understand that he works long night shifts and when he's off work it's a little disorienting for him as well.
Well personally I think it's a sign of a bad marriage or an unhealthy relationship, if the trust isn't there to ask that type of question.
I agree. I understand alot of women are very sensitive on the subject but why should I feel afraid to ask it and why should he be afraid to give an honest answer? I don't think it turns him into this sinister person for saying the truth. I thought that was what marriage was all about?
Thank goodness no woman has asked me that. I don't think there is a right answer for it.
If asked, I would say "Well since you are asking, its obvious something is bothering you. What goes on in the inside may manifest on the outside, so is there something you want to talk about?"
Ladies, if I say that, is there a chance that I would get slapped?
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