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I've started dating a lovely woman, now in her 30s, who was sexually abused between ages of 8-11. There was no intercourse, but the abuse lasted several years. Since that time, the abuser has been found guilty by the courts, there has been no contact between the abuser and my girlfriend for over ten years, and she has been in therapy for many years, still going to this day. We have not spoken in great detail about the incidents, but she confided in telling me about her past and I mostly listened. Based on my emotional and physical connection with her (we are sexually active), she seems to have recovered and all seems normal as far as I can tell, but I still have these questions:
1. How can I tell if she is recovered -- by this I mean, able to have a "normal" life and be a good wife and mother?
2. How does abuse that happened 20 years ago affect a woman in a relationship, and what can I expect for the long-term future? What sorts of complications may surface looking ahead?
3. What questions should I be asking her about the abuse, its affect on her, and her ability to be in a relationship?
4. If you were in my shoes, just starting out a relationship, would you continue or get out? I know it's tough to say with such limited information. I'm at a point where I'd like to continue, but can also get out early and cause less harm to both of us.
Thank you for your input, I look forward to hearing from you all.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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1. You can't. It probably affected who she is at the core. Not sure what you mean by "normal", as sadly this is so common it is almost not abnormal.
2. No one answer to that as there is no one answer
3. You shouldn't ask specifics. You should listen and be a good partner/listener, if she wants to tell and feels safe talking to you, she may tell. Listen compassionately. If she doesn't offer or want to talk about it, never pry.
4. If I liked her I would continue. Why wouldn't I? Again, this is super common almost unavoidable. Finding someone I like is difficult enough to have dealbreakers based on what someone did to her as a kid? Nah.
The reality is you probably dated other women that were abused / sexually assaulted as well and didn't know it. I know I have several. If you date around at all, you will date someone that has been assaulted.
Has she been evaluated for PTSD? If so, what was the treatment? She should see a qualified trauma specialist, someone who offers EMDR (a very effective treatment). You can Google "psychologist" and "trauma" or "EMDR" + your city to see what's available. There are a lot of therapists who will take your money for years, and do talk therapy (fairly ineffective for something this serious), without having a specific treatment plan. A good therapist with the appropriate methods can resolve cases like this in 2-3 years, even when depression and other potentially debilitating symptoms are present. I've known people with a similar background, and they've really blossomed with the right therapist/trauma specialist.
I've started dating a lovely woman, now in her 30s, who was sexually abused between ages of 8-11. There was no intercourse, but the abuse lasted several years. Since that time, the abuser has been found guilty by the courts, there has been no contact between the abuser and my girlfriend for over ten years, and she has been in therapy for many years, still going to this day. We have not spoken in great detail about the incidents, but she confided in telling me about her past and I mostly listened. Based on my emotional and physical connection with her (we are sexually active), she seems to have recovered and all seems normal as far as I can tell, but I still have these questions:
1. How can I tell if she is recovered -- by this I mean, able to have a "normal" life and be a good wife and mother?
2. How does abuse that happened 20 years ago affect a woman in a relationship, and what can I expect for the long-term future? What sorts of complications may surface looking ahead?
3. What questions should I be asking her about the abuse, its affect on her, and her ability to be in a relationship?
4. If you were in my shoes, just starting out a relationship, would you continue or get out? I know it's tough to say with such limited information. I'm at a point where I'd like to continue, but can also get out early and cause less harm to both of us.
Thank you for your input, I look forward to hearing from you all.
One never really recovers from abuse or neglect they learn to cope with it and not let it affect their life as much as possible.
What is "normal"? Normal to whom? You? Society? The courts?
Do not ask her any questions regarding the abuse, when she is ready she will tell you what she thinks you need to know. If she never tells you anything else then so be it but do not for any reason ask her about it.
There is no guarantee that she will be a good wife and mother even if she had not been abused so this question is a non issue and a moot point.
Some people are just not maternal/paternal and no matter what their environment when growing up they will never be good parents or spouses.
You can't really look for any future complications because you don't know if there will be any.
There may never be anything in the future then again there may be a situation, a fragrance or other scent, a song, a rain storm that will trigger something.
You are thinking way to much over future "what if's", you either want to be with this woman with all the past, current and future good, bad and ugly or you don't.
Given that she seems to be in a relationship with a good person, I'd say that she's doing very well. What frightens us in childhood is a magnet when we're older, so according to Dr. Drew, people who haven't dealt with those issues are typically drawn to douches who treat them like garbage.
If you're worried about this and considering kids, it might be worthwhile to talk to a professional about it. You can also ask her about it, not the details of the abuse, but things that you can do to be supportive, but don't make a big deal about it.
We've all got trauma. Some people fold at the slightest bump in their road, and others come through pure hell with barely a scratch. How we cope is a combination of genetics, life experience, support systems, education, resources, determination and 8 billion other factors.
It sounds really early in the relationship, so you're getting way ahead of yourself. Be a little more in the moment and stop analyzing or worrying about this.
You may want to check in with a therapist though, because you seem pretty angsty about it and you don't want to bring that into the relationship. Unless you're seeing red flags early on, I don't think there's much to worry about from her end of things.
Her past has made her into who she is today, which appears to be a woman you're attracted to and who has inspired you to consider a future with. Stop right there and get on with it.
For you to even consider judging her for something she had no control over and which must have required an enormous amount of intestinal fortitude to move on from would just be wrong.
My wife survived a childhood (many things went bad for her) and it made her strong in ways most are weak and forged a steely resolve that has helped her survive through the toughest of times. And so while these experiences shaped her, by the time I discovered she existed she had already become the woman I fell in love with and that's really all that mattered to me.
1. How can I tell if she is recovered -- by this I mean, able to have a "normal" life and be a good wife and mother?
2. How does abuse that happened 20 years ago affect a woman in a relationship, and what can I expect for the long-term future? What sorts of complications may surface looking ahead?
3. What questions should I be asking her about the abuse, its affect on her, and her ability to be in a relationship?
4. If you were in my shoes, just starting out a relationship, would you continue or get out? I know it's tough to say with such limited information. I'm at a point where I'd like to continue, but can also get out early and cause less harm to both of us.
Thank you for your input, I look forward to hearing from you all.
Continue..
Remember that she is a survivor, I like the description by the way. We are all survivors and we all carry baggage.
1. It is entirely possible that she went through it. She will always remember the pain and the horror she has experienced, but she is more than capable of leading a good productive normal life. It is highly likely that she is more compassionate than others.
2. Relationship is a learn-as-you-go process. Nobody can give you a guarantee. But she is not a flawed human being.
3. If I were you, I'd listen more without judging her or offering unwanted advice.
Last but not the least
"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.
Henri Nouwen
I've started dating a lovely woman, now in her 30s, who was sexually abused between ages of 8-11. There was no intercourse, but the abuse lasted several years. Since that time, the abuser has been found guilty by the courts, there has been no contact between the abuser and my girlfriend for over ten years, and she has been in therapy for many years, still going to this day. We have not spoken in great detail about the incidents, but she confided in telling me about her past and I mostly listened. Based on my emotional and physical connection with her (we are sexually active), she seems to have recovered and all seems normal as far as I can tell, but I still have these questions:
1. How can I tell if she is recovered -- by this I mean, able to have a "normal" life and be a good wife and mother?
2. How does abuse that happened 20 years ago affect a woman in a relationship, and what can I expect for the long-term future? What sorts of complications may surface looking ahead?
3. What questions should I be asking her about the abuse, its affect on her, and her ability to be in a relationship?
4. If you were in my shoes, just starting out a relationship, would you continue or get out? I know it's tough to say with such limited information. I'm at a point where I'd like to continue, but can also get out early and cause less harm to both of us.
Thank you for your input, I look forward to hearing from you all.
This is hard to believe, but many studies I have seen show that somewhere around 70% of women are sexually abused at some point in their lives. This would mean that most women have to deal with this issue, or something similar.
Most people move on, The best thing I can tell you is to just let her talk about it when she is ready. Go ahead and put all of those "well is she not with me tonight because of her past" thoughts. That isn't the case, and even if it is, you need to give her the space.
My sister was sexually abused, raped, by her then older step brother when she was around 8 or 9. This went on for over a year as well without my mothers knowledge.
Misty went to therapy when she was younger, and spoke to one during her divorce. She realized that a lot of the men that she had been with didn't treat her well, and she now feels like that was choices she made to deal with her own feelings of worthlessness.
Now my sister and I are close, so maybe I have more knowledge then most do with her. But she has made a wonderful life for herself, has three children, and lives with a great guy, hard for me to say as a brother.
Rape isn't as traumatic as some people would make you out to believe. No more traumatic then yelling/hitting (face) parents, or drunken daddies, or any of the other child hood trauma that we go through. Sex is seen as nasty in our country, so rape is seen as the ultimate abuse. In the great scheme of life, its no more or less traumatic then things many people deal with in their lives. As I said, somewhere around 70% of women are abused at some point in their lives. Humans are remarkable at coping with extreme mental and physical trauma, but it really depends on just how strong you are.
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