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I am at my wits end with my boyfriend. Due to crazy life circumstances, we both started new, higher paying jobs this month an hour away from our hometown, so we're also in the process of moving.
Boyfriend has Generalized Anxiety Disorder and as of late, it is unbearable. I woke up at 5:30 this morning from him ranting and raving about having to work mostly 12 hour days (except saturday and sunday, 6 hour days) 9 days in a row. He was saying he would rather be dead, and should never have taken this job. I tried to remind him that it's only temporary until they hire someone else (they're short staffed). He's been like this for weeks now, either fretting about his job, or getting the old place clean. I work too, and have been working nonstop with moving stuff.
To be honest, I thought at one point he would make a good husband and father but after seeing him like this, I'm not so sure. I want someone who will do what needs to be done without the endless temper tantrums. He lashes out at me, gets short with me when I try to help, and is just horrible to be around.
I know the GAD is a huge factor here. He's getting health insurance here soon and I'm going to pressure him to see a Therapist about it. I don't even know how to handle him in the meantime so I've just started avoiding him, for the sake of my own sanity.
Has anyone dated anyone with anxiety/GAD? How do you deal with it? What should I do besides avoid him?
Sounds exactly like my girlfriend...
Besides having GAD, she also has high stress levels, has PTSD and has trouble sleeping. She used to have suicidal ideation till she got a reality check with that. Now she's attempting to manage her stress levels cuz I told her that she's on a downward spiral to having her immune system breaking down--I have 12 years of psych background and a nursing student, so I empathize with you.
She also has symptoms of borderline personality disorder. So yeah, its really difficult sometimes living with her craziness. I just listen to her rant and rave, vent about her crappy job she's had for 17 years. But I also take her out to the park, road trips, some alone time away from things that stress her out.
I reccommended she see a therapist; she says she will, eventually. But she has calmed down exponentially since we started dating a year ago. I just let her vent.
Exercise, going running, working out at the gym, any alone time away from stressors seems to do the trick since she so adamant on not taking any meds.
I am at my wits end with my boyfriend. Due to crazy life circumstances, we both started new, higher paying jobs this month an hour away from our hometown, so we're also in the process of moving.
Boyfriend has Generalized Anxiety Disorder and as of late, it is unbearable. I woke up at 5:30 this morning from him ranting and raving about having to work mostly 12 hour days (except saturday and sunday, 6 hour days) 9 days in a row. He was saying he would rather be dead, and should never have taken this job. I tried to remind him that it's only temporary until they hire someone else (they're short staffed). He's been like this for weeks now, either fretting about his job, or getting the old place clean. I work too, and have been working nonstop with moving stuff.
To be honest, I thought at one point he would make a good husband and father but after seeing him like this, I'm not so sure. I want someone who will do what needs to be done without the endless temper tantrums. He lashes out at me, gets short with me when I try to help, and is just horrible to be around.
I know the GAD is a huge factor here. He's getting health insurance here soon and I'm going to pressure him to see a Therapist about it. I don't even know how to handle him in the meantime so I've just started avoiding him, for the sake of my own sanity.
Has anyone dated anyone with anxiety/GAD? How do you deal with it? What should I do besides avoid him?
Encourage him to seek professional help and try to understand that he has something he cannot easily control.
If you can't work things out with him, it is not a crime to leave.
Even if this difficult time is temporary and will eventually pass, the fact remains that your boyfriend has this ugly side to him (G.A.D. or not), period. What if he encounters some future rough patch in his life which leads to him showing this side of him again...after you two are married and have a kid? Think hard about that.
Definitely strongly encourage him to seek professional help to assist him with his mental issue. If he refuses, then it may be time to walk away from the relationship. You've gotta look out for yourself. Don't even think about marrying him until he shows clear improvement on his "being tightly wound" issue.
Taking part in activities (such as exercise) to help the person "depressurize" is also a good idea.
Almost all of us go through tough and/or stressful times here and there. A strong indicator of emotional maturity and stability is being able to deal with those times while maintaining your composure and having a positive attitude. If a person has a diagnosed anxiety disorder, then if he was mature he would not hesitate to explore any professional avenue necessary (within reason) to mitigate the problem...because he understands that he is hurting other people close to him (significant other, close family/friends) if the problem is left unchecked.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate
I wonder, does he only do this with you or is he this way with everyone? If it's just you, or those closest to him, I wouldn't blame anxiety.
Somebody who is not equipped to handle stress without temper tantrums and lashing out is not equipped to be in a relationship, let alone being a parent.
Hes always been tightly wound, but now it's completely out of control. My thing is, it's definitely a stressful time, I get that, but it makes me wonder what he would be like with kids thrown into the mix. He's VERY set on his routines and we all know what kids do to routines.
I just feel completely unequipped to handle this. Our relationship is on the rocks because I resent him taking out his stress on me, especially when I'm only trying to help get things done to ease said stress. I was in tears this morning.
I don't know how to handle someone with GAD
You sound like you are holding it together nicely.
Your concerns are real! Don't pass it off as little. Better to know this before being married.
Better cross your T's and dot your I's on this one.
I guess I'm one of the few people here who doesn't just jump to demonizing someone for having a mental illness, especially without knowing more about the situation. Stress does nasty things to people, especially with GAD. He probably has depression as well. Sure, he could handle it a lot better but he isn't even on meds yet, so his behavior is going to be off, to say the least.
I do think you two shouldn't be together because you don't seem compatible, and I don't think you should feel forced to be with him either. But saying he isn't going to be a good husband or a good father because he has anxiety is ridiculous. If your solution was to avoid him anyway, then just take it a step further and leave him. I think it will do you both a favor.
This subject has lots of impact in my relationship. My lady's issues are trauma induced, and we had been together for quite a while before it all came rushing in. We had also been close friends for a long time, 20 years, before we started our current relationship. The changes that have had to be made are not small ticket either. Its been hard. Not so much in having to adjust things to cope, but in having to see her in some of the states she gets into.
For me, it wouldn't be any different than if we were battling some physiological disease, such as cancer. I can't classify our issues as GAD, because this is specific to one incident, however, I do completely understand how an anxiety disorder can beat two people up. I have such issues of my own following her trauma, and we have both had to adjust ourselves to fight the battle.
Fears, anxiety, depression, nightmares, lashing out...on and on..and the ONLY thing that's getting us through is that we have each other to lean on. Despite all we have been through and what this has taught me, k am actually at a loss as to any advice to offer, as things like this are so unique, unto themselves. What works for us may not help you and your guy, at all. Other than to say that dealing with such things requires actions above and beyond, and taking these actions on, without any qualms, is the teal deal for love.
One emotion that is totally counterproductive is anger. Getting angry with someone who is in depression and anxiety is drinking kerosene and peeing on a brushfire. We attend counseling therapy together and , certainly, there are certain meds in the program. All in all, I consider myself lucky in all this. She is alive, and physically whole. Things could have been different as easily. It is VERY hard to see someone you love more than your own life going through such times, but the positive needs to stay out front. If you let.negative feelings, especially anger or resentment, in, expect a serious crash and burn.
I am at my wits end with my boyfriend. Due to crazy life circumstances, we both started new, higher paying jobs this month an hour away from our hometown, so we're also in the process of moving.
Boyfriend has Generalized Anxiety Disorder and as of late, it is unbearable. I woke up at 5:30 this morning from him ranting and raving about having to work mostly 12 hour days (except saturday and sunday, 6 hour days) 9 days in a row. He was saying he would rather be dead, and should never have taken this job. I tried to remind him that it's only temporary until they hire someone else (they're short staffed). He's been like this for weeks now, either fretting about his job, or getting the old place clean. I work too, and have been working nonstop with moving stuff.
To be honest, I thought at one point he would make a good husband and father but after seeing him like this, I'm not so sure. I want someone who will do what needs to be done without the endless temper tantrums. He lashes out at me, gets short with me when I try to help, and is just horrible to be around.
I know the GAD is a huge factor here. He's getting health insurance here soon and I'm going to pressure him to see a Therapist about it. I don't even know how to handle him in the meantime so I've just started avoiding him, for the sake of my own sanity.
Has anyone dated anyone with anxiety/GAD? How do you deal with it? What should I do besides avoid him?
Never dated anyone like that but I think you're on the right track in not wanting to deal with it. I lived for years with a family member prone to temper tantrums. And that's his problem. Not the GAD but the way he deals with it. By subjecting you to his angry tantrums he is lowering the quality of your life. When someone seems to be unconscious or uncaring of the negative effect their behavior is having on the quality of your life to such a degree as subjecting you to outbursts of anger, that to me is enough of a sign to permanently end the relationship. It displays a real thoughtlessness for others. Especially in what's supposed to be a mutually fulfilling relationship in the first place. Even if he can't control it and it's a psychological syndrome, it's not your responsibility to live like that.
I would wish him well, hope he finds someone right for him and bid him goodbye.
Never dated anyone like that but I think you're on the right track in not wanting to deal with it. I lived for years with a family member prone to temper tantrums. And that's his problem. Not the GAD but the way he deals with it. By subjecting you to his angry tantrums he is lowering the quality of your life. When someone seems to be unconscious or uncaring of the negative effect their behavior is having on the quality of your life to such a degree as subjecting you to outbursts of anger, that to me is enough of a sign to permanently end the relationship. It displays a real thoughtlessness for others. Especially in what's supposed to be a mutually fulfilling relationship in the first place. Even if he can't control it and it's a psychological syndrome, it's not your responsibility to live like that.
I would wish him well, hope he finds someone right for him and bid him goodbye.
I've never seen my lady go into temper fits from her anxiety. Is that a common thing for GAD? She gets jittery spooky, like a young horse in a wind storm, and just wants to hide somewhere. But I've never had her go into a temper fit. Now me, I got bad feelings of anger, but it was never because of or directed at her. Matter of fact, being with her is what calms those feelings.
The therapist told me she believes that it is guilt over not being there to protect her, and that being with her reassures me that it wasn't my fault. This whole depression/anxiety thing is one helluva roller coaster. Oh, I've seen her angry. She is Irish and Norwegian, so she has a capacity for temper. But when she gets an anxiety or depression episode she doesn't get angry. Again, I believe such things are totally unique to individuals, but most here seem to be saying temper fits are common with anxiety and depression and lashing out at a partner is not unusual.
I guess I'm one of the few people here who doesn't just jump to demonizing someone for having a mental illness, especially without knowing more about the situation. Stress does nasty things to people, especially with GAD. He probably has depression as well. Sure, he could handle it a lot better but he isn't even on meds yet, so his behavior is going to be off, to say the least.
I do think you two shouldn't be together because you don't seem compatible, and I don't think you should feel forced to be with him either. But saying he isn't going to be a good husband or a good father because he has anxiety is ridiculous. If your solution was to avoid him anyway, then just take it a step further and leave him. I think it will do you both a favor.
I don't agree that acknowledging that unaddressed mental health issues may not be compatible with things like parenting and healthy long-term relationships is the same thing as "demonizing." Having anxiety issues doesn't make you a bad person. Not treating them is an irresponsible choice for somebody who is attempting to build relationships and/or a family.
For me, when I saw our dog cowering under the bed, frightened of the fact that my ex boyfriend was raging around the house throwing objects in an adult version of a two-year old meltdown over some minor frustration, because he just COULD NOT cope with even the most slight of stresses, I knew that, no, he was not a person who was going to be able to be a parent, barring HUGE changes that I knew were not going to happen.
I knew from his own lips that he would not agree to therapy or medication to address his mood problems, and didn't see them as a problem. To me, no, this is not a person who makes a good partner or a spouse or a parent. Is it his FAULT he had/has emotional problems? No. But it not being his fault doesn't make him anymore equipped for relationships.
Don't know if the OP's SO is similar, and he may not be, at all... just speaking from personal experience, and addressing your post re: demonizing mental health issues.
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