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Hi Low, I've posted before on my opinion of the dating thing, and if you are anything like me, you may be finding yourself slightly annoyed at the slash and burn responses some guys give about dating a woman with kids.
I believe some of the 'outspoken' guys here represent a small portion of society which is annoyed with everyone and everything and looking for a way to vent their frustrations...what better way than online anonymity? There's no consequence to totally insulting and degrading another person, and you get your 2 seconds of fame when others' like you pipe in and agree. But, its not true.
What is true is that there is a whole world out there to learn for yourself. That there are as many situations to solve as there are solutions to problems.
I wouldn't give a pair of fetid dingo kidneys to some of the opinions I read here.
But, I have read here, and in other places about single moms' who DO find a partner. But, its' usually due to a significant group of factors. Here is one, they meet their new partner through mutual friends. Their friends can vouch for their character and know the two of you well enough to know that you're a good fit, and set you up together.
You meet each other through a mutual interest, like a club you both belong to, or a church.
You meet by accident and sort of hit it off.
The last one never worked for me, I think it only happens in movies really.
But, here's my last word on it. While I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors at finding and keeping a healthy relationship, I don't believe that can happen unless you have the total ability in yourself to be a good partner. To be healthy and happy on your own.
Knowing that it hasn't been that long since you were out of a ltr I would think it would take some time to get yourself sorted out.
But then, that was my experience as we all know, ad nauseum. You can and will do whatever you want. Just remember you have little people who are watching and learning from everything you do and counting on you to be stable for them.
Relationships take a lot of time and effort and good times and bad times. Can you invest that kind of time and energy to a complete stranger? Can you get past the part where you don't know if you can trust someone around them yet?
As a woman you just need to be barely passable to be inundated with male attention so if you're not getting profile views, receiving messages or getting replies to your own messages you're either ugly, fat, old, crazy or a combination of some of those.
As a woman you just need to be barely passable to be inundated with male attention so if you're not getting profile views, receiving messages or getting replies to your own messages you're either ugly, fat, old, crazy or a combination of some of those.
She has kids and she's 35. That's already two factors that will turn off a majority of men.
But, I have read here, and in other places about single moms' who DO find a partner. But, its' usually due to a significant group of factors. Here is one, they meet their new partner through mutual friends.
Off the top of my head, I have two friends who were single moms when they met their now husbands, who did not have kids, on eHarmony. My best friend met her new husband, also child-free, on Match. They were all mid-30's when they met except BFF's hubby who is early 40's. Another met her boyfriend of over a year (a single dad) through a single parent's group; they were both late 30's when they met. And another single mom friend met her child-free boyfriend earlier this year on OKC.
I also know a girl in her late 20's who does not have kids who is only looking to date single dads. And I know a single dad, mid-30's, who is only looking at single moms. So yes, it does happen.
I met my wife online. I went on over 20 different dates before I met her. Here is my take.
After a bit of dissappointment, I came up with a process.
1. Make a list of what you want in a person. My original list had 75+ traits. I whittled it down to 45 and then ranked it from enduring traits to more fleeting. Ie, Character traits at the top and marital status and kids at the top with some physical traits near the bottom.
2. Look through the ads and find the the ones that match what you want nearly perfectly. I usually emailed 10-20 women on each pass. I did not filter based on looks other than they looked groomed in the pic and HWP. ( A lot of people look MUCH better IRL than their pics. ) About 6 would respond and of those I would go out with 4 of them. Take them to dinner and then to a venue where you have to interact, ie laser tag or sailing or dog show or fair or concert. Put them where they let their guard down or are put in interesting and varying circumstances. Also cancel the 3rd date a the last minute (but be gracious) citing work and see how they react then and during your next date.
3. After a couple of rounds, I realized the following. Some items on my list were pretty dumb, ie college degree vs not, financial status vs not, light drug use vs not. And age range. I lowered my age range. This cast a much wider range and I met my wife on the 5th round.
As a guy I found that a lot of women who were divorced had bankruptcies that they tried to hide. My wife and two other women were up front about this and some other red flags in their past RIGHT AWAY. Others had kids they were not up front about. Others were clearly messed up - alcohol, drama, stalkers - all they tried to hide and which I found out. Others were nice to me on the date but less than gracious to others when put into a stressful encounter at the venue.
Some women were clearly still married...imagine that. About 2/3 of my dates were bombs after all this work.
I also think that sexual chemistry is more a function of your mood that day rather than the other person, assuming they were otherwise in good shape and well groomed. A gorgeous woman quickly becomes VERY unnattractive if I see she has a potty mouth when a bit buzzed. And a conservatively dressed and demure woman with a great personality can become very attractive when I see that she really likes me and gradually opens up. It takes several dates to see this. Many women and men tend to be cautious in this area and can be quite reserved until trust is built.
I lowered my age range and took out the college degree, and I met my wife. She was in her mid 20s and had gone back to college. I was over 10 year older. I found most women in my age range were fuddy duddies who could not have fun or were cynical about life and men. Ugh. I had dated enough to know what I wanted personality wise. The attraction between us was off the charts electric but I still ticked off all the check boxes...had I not just gone out on dates I would not have known what I wanted, how to talk and chat, and would not have met her.
As for the OP, I think your age range is a big limit for you. Most good men in the 30-40 age range will be married or taken. You will have to raise your age range to 50. Most men get divorced in their early 40s to late 40s. There a lot of men who slim up and also work on themselves in that age range. I also think that you will have to be more bold and just go out on dates. Just look for a gentleman in good shape and go on a date. No harm and no foul. Have fun.
It goes without saying that any guy that talks about sex on the first date or in emails or texts should be deleted. Period. OTOH - if you have done your homework - instant attraction can be a lot of fun!
I never took the conversation to sex and dressed well. I tried hard to listen and not interrupt. And just enjoy the evenings and be my confident self. Most women will throw themselves at men who do this and who are genuine gentlemen who are their own selves. A lot of guys never learn this lesson.
But she's looking for a ravishingly handsome man, who's her age or younger, who doesn't have kids of his own, who is advertising online, and who would be receptive to a woman with two children.
If that is true (It might be, I just skimmed through some of the responses)then yes she is being picky. Most childless either want kids of their own or don't want to deal with kids or some combo of this. Very few childless want to be stepparents unless they have kids. A handsome younger man without kids will likely not want her.
I tend to prioritize younger women because I like to go out, am more of a night owl, don't want to deal with kids, and am not looking for anything serious. I'm very clear in my profile about that and a lot of women in their 30s are looking for marriage in the short-term future and a good 2/3 of the ones over 34 have kids. I'll deal with kids in certain situations but I am not going to be anything close to a dad figure.
I'm an night owl as well, don't want to deal with anyone else's kids or their drama. I was looking for something serious though. Not all women in their 30's have kids or want marriage. I didn't have kids (still don't)and wasn't looking to get married until my mid 30's.
I have all three of those boxes checked [no kids, no desire to have kids, and well-established] and it doesn't seem to be making me more marketable given how few messages and now, how few profile views I receive.
This is because only a small percentage of the dating-population - regardless of gender - fits this category, once we hit 35+ (and especially 40+). in 2+ years of online dating, I've found that most child-free people are not career-oriented, have issues with physical health or emotional self-esteem, and tend to suffer from various inhibitions. I say this as a child-free person myself. Using only slight hyperbole, those who are successful and who feel confident about themselves, tend to also wish to breed.
Thus my take on the frustrations of a child-free person looking to date other child-free people.
But of more relevance to the OP is the travails of a parent who wishes to date non-parents. Thinking about this some more, I'd like to revise my earlier comments. The OP might actually do fairly well amongst younger men, who fulfill her desire for physical attraction and who don't have kids of their own... provided that she recognizes that this relationship would be temporary. Once these men themselves start reaching their late 30s, they're liable to leave, too seek family-formation of their own. But if the OP is interested in another 5-year fling, her strategy might actually be sound.
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