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To make a long story short, about 10 days ago I broke up with my GF who I was in a LTR with. The weekend after we broke up was some of the hardest few days of my life. I am feeling quite a bit better this week after a weekend out of town with some friends/family. I am still however dealing with the guilt of breaking up and the great memories/feelings from the relationship.
To give some background on this, I was a late bloomer physically and socially and didn't start dating till my mid-20's. I grew up and still am a Christian and was wanting to save myself for marriage, but it didn't end up working out like that. I met her at the end of last year and she was the first girl who didn't really care about my dating and relationship inexperience. She was the first LTR I've had, first I had sex with, etc, etc. Most of my firsts when it comes to sex and relationships happened with her.
We're very similar as far interests. We both enjoy sports, church, born in the same state(which is rare in the area I live in), etc. The main differences were in our past, but also some of her present habits. While i was pretty mundane and boring in college, she was wild. She described herself as a pot head and wouldn't rule out smoking again in the future. She drank moderately and most every day. She had calmed down quite a bit since college and she wasn't a drunk by any means, but definitely drank quite a bit more than me. She would cut back around me, but I saw her in action a few times. On a recent trip to the beach for a friend's wedding, she got drunk and threatened to climb off the end of a pier. The night we broke up, was a similar situation. We were walking up a sidewalk holding hands and we saw some people coming towards us. I kinda guided us to go around them and she broke hands with me and told me she wasn't effing moving for them. At this point I was starting to worry she was going to get me involved in a fight or something. This all happened w/in the span of the last few weeks. The more I was around her, the more i started to get the feeling this was going to be a trend.
These issues along with the fact that I rarely drink is what caused me to break it off. I just couldn't see it working out long term. She was heartbroken when i broke up with her, didn't expect it, and kinda broke down. She deleted me off facebook w/in an hour and took down all our pictures together, called me a liar... It totally sucked. We had so many good memories together. I guess I feel like chit that I broke her heart, but I feel like I did the right thing. We texted a bit a few days later and I told her my reasoning. She never came out and told me she was willing to change her habits. I guess I was an idiot for expecting her too. Just seeing what anyone else thought.
She is who she is. The kind of woman she is doesn't seem like she was going to be wife material for you. Instead of trying to change or criticize someone it is better to find a better match. Breaking up can suck, but being together and incompatible is worse.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,748,461 times
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This is just a case where doing the right thing was hard but necessary. You feel bad because you were sincere in love for this person and she gave you great memories. You hated seeing her broken but you did what you had to do.
I'm not religious but growing up mom would tell me you give up crap that makes you feel good sometimes because God has something better down the road for you. Kinda what this is like.
You did the right thing. The drinking sounds like a red flag, and you paid attention. Most people break up with their first, it's just like training wheels. Nothing to be guilty about, it sounds like you were considerate. Breaking up's gonna hurt, there's always some fallout, it's part of the territory.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,748,461 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChickenPox
Accepting each other's flaws is the foundation of a strong relationship. She was able to see past your flaws, but you weren't able to see past hers.
Save yourself up for marriage? Aww, how cute. I guess this only happens in the US and Saudi Arabia nowadays?
What?! Are you serious? Heavy drinking is a very serious problem especially if it gets OP into situations like what he described.
Quote:
On a recent trip to the beach for a friend's wedding, she got drunk and threatened to climb off the end of a pier. The night we broke up, was a similar situation. We were walking up a sidewalk holding hands and we saw some people coming towards us. I kinda guided us to go around them and she broke hands with me and told me she wasn't effing moving for them. At this point I was starting to worry she was going to get me involved in a fight or something.
OP should be commended for realizing a destructive pattern before his ex-gf got him locked up or killed over it.
These issues along with the fact that I rarely drink is what caused me to break it off. I just couldn't see it working out long term. She was heartbroken when i broke up with her, didn't expect it, and kinda broke down. She deleted me off facebook w/in an hour and took down all our pictures together, called me a liar... It totally sucked. We had so many good memories together. I guess I feel like chit that I broke her heart, but I feel like I did the right thing. We texted a bit a few days later and I told her my reasoning. She never came out and told me she was willing to change her habits. I guess I was an idiot for expecting her too. Just seeing what anyone else thought.
It's not the past that matters. It's the present, and you presently have different lifestyles.
She may calm down in a few years. She may not. But if it happens, it will--and should--be at her own pace and discretion, not for you or anyone else. So you are right for breaking things off. You're just not right for each other anymore. It sucks, but it's the truth.
Take some time to heal. Make friends. Pursue hobbies. Travel a little bit. Maybe make some extra cash with a side gig. Enjoy the holidays with your friends and family. Take some time for yourself, and try to avoid any drawn-out discussions with her. Easier said than done after someone has been a huge part of your life for so long, but it's best to give yourself some space to step back and clear your head. Just be kind to yourself for a few months.
I did not read anything about heavy drinking. The OP said "she drank moderately"...
Although I don't drink alcohol, I assume that there are huge differences between "moderate" and "heavy" drinking. Besides the OP seems to focus obsessively about his ex-gf negative traits, like:
Quote:
She drank moderately and most every day. She had calmed down quite a bit since college and she wasn't a drunk by any means, but definitely drank quite a bit more than me.
woah, really?
Quote:
We were walking up a sidewalk holding hands and we saw some people coming towards us. I kinda guided us to go around them and she broke hands with me and told me she wasn't effing moving for them. At this point I was starting to worry she was going to get me involved in a fight or something.
Its pretty clear you were not very compatible as a couple. To many differences. IMHO, those that are "wild", enjoy that lifestyle, seldom want to give it up and continue it unless there is a major shift in attitude. You did the smart thing. Its especially hard with a first relationship. You might be tempted to think this is the only woman who will ever be interested in me. But you've gained a lot of confidence and experience. No doubt, other women will see that in you. Maybe next time, try it with an actual Christian. That way you already start out with a lot of shared values, if she really is a Christian.
You say she drank moderately but "most every day." That doesn't sound like moderate to me.
It sounds like you made the right call because there was an issue of incompatibility. Remember the good times you had, chalk it up to experience, take a little time to heal, but realize that there is a reason that you came to this conclusion, and it is probably for the best for both of you.
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