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Do not take it as moral policing statement but as a suggestion only: try not to sleep before there is some sort of a deeper understanding of the other person which then gets solidified by that act. This will allow for better outcomes for you.
Wishing you well.
So tricky, when one thing tends to lead to another, but it's true.. having a deeper understanding of the other person will make it all more meaningful, which is better to start out on. I am afraid slightly that he has put me in the 'casual' category because of how quickly we slept together, then again I've heard from some guy friends before that the category thing is nonsense.
Guess I'll find out soon. Thank you for wishing me well.
Early stage of dating you both need time to figure out what you both want. So give a bit of time try to understand who he is what kind of a person is. Don't assume things.
Very wise. Yeah, trying not to assume things - I'm often wrong anyway, and it doesn't encourage transparency or trust.
I also don't want to assume he would be good for me - there are hormones and wishful thinking on my end at play here too - so taking a step back to be more realistic is important to remember.
Thank you for the reminder that this is still very much the 'early stage' of dating.
Not all men and women your age (or any age) see the purpose of dating as "pairing off". If your objective is to pair off, then tell him that and ask him what his objectives in dating are.
You are right. I sense with him based off of things he's said that it is his long-term goal (to "pair off"), but since we haven't specifically discussed it, maybe I'll bring it up. Asking about his objectives in dating is an interesting angle... I'll consider that. Might just go with the flow too.
Except that, if he is interested in long term, "withholding" sex might cause him to believe that sex will be used as a weapon down the road, and a lot of guys will just say "f--- this" and leave, even if they might have otherwise been interested in more.
Why not just try to start a more deep, emotional conversation with him? Nothing TOO out there, just something more than "what movies/music do you like" type stuff.
Yeah, we've already established a sexual relationship - I'm not going to try to 'withhold' sex in order to find out his true intentions - I just straight up need to have a conversation is all.
I do plan to delve a little deeper regarding our conversations - do you think however that a guy not showing any vulnerabilities in conversation, is more a marker of a casual relationship, or him just trying to play things light at first? I like to get really intellectual and deep and have fun with it, mental stimulation is really important to me... and it's hard to tell with him if he can really meet me at that level. Is that something that develops over time?
Hah - I swear I've been in this dilemma so many times as a woman. Dating someone and you really start to like them and see relationship potential, but you have no clue if he's on the same page and you don't want to come across as needy by initiating a where is this going conversation. I think if a guy is really into you he will initiate the conversation or bring up being exclusive because the last thing he wants is for someone else to come along and take you away from him. But, a month is still not that long. I think I would hang in there awhile longer. I think guys appreciate women who have their own lives and give them a little breathing room. I hope things work out for you!
Thanks! I agree to all these points. It is hard to imagine hanging out with him again and not bringing it up at all though... we see each other infrequently enough already - we have our own lives and that 'breathing room' has never been violated - I guess all I want him to know is that I wouldn't want that to change, but I would like to know if he's interested in us seeing each other slightly more regularly to see if we'd be interested in dating more seriously, because that's what I'm ultimately going to invest in rather than just something casual, and I like him enough to be interested in exploring that with him.
In all honesty if you were completely comfortable sleeping with the guy, why would you not be at ease opening up to having a conversation? I must be missing something
What a profound question. Wow.
Never understood how someone could sleep with another person, but shy away, avoid and/or even retreat from deep personal discussions.
Never understood how someone could sleep with another person, but shy away, avoid and/or even retreat from deep personal discussions.
It's our casual hook-up culture of this day and age.
I'm part of it, so I can't complain. "Fun, no-strings-attached" flings are not uncommon among myself or my friends, and there are definitely ways to do so fully respecting the other person with little to no misunderstandings.
That being said, I'm not saying it's a healthy precursor to a real relationship, nor does it mean that deep personal discussions cannot be had.
It's just been my experience that sleeping together before discussing a "relationship", is often how it goes.
I'm committed to now have these discussions beforehand, though. It's just taken me a long time to figure myself out and learn what I want. Takes some of us longer than others. It's not just guys who can be afraid of commitment.
Location: Subconscious Syncope, USA (Northeastern US)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lillyz
It's our casual hook-up culture of this day and age.
I'm part of it, so I can't complain. "Fun, no-strings-attached" flings are not uncommon among myself or my friends, and there are definitely ways to do so fully respecting the other person with little to no misunderstandings.
That being said, I'm not saying it's a healthy precursor to a real relationship, nor does it mean that deep personal discussions cannot be had.
It's just been my experience that sleeping together before discussing a "relationship", is often how it goes.
I'm committed to now have these discussions beforehand, though. It's just taken me a long time to figure myself out and learn what I want. Takes some of us longer than others. It's not just guys who can be afraid of commitment.
Its how it goes because that's the way you accept it going. You control when someone is going to sleep with you - the guy has no say over that whatsoever. There is nothing wrong with however you deside to live your life, but you can expect people to see you as 'easy' and not take you seriously as someone to commit to. They pick that up by how easily they can have you.
Ive heard a lot of guys say over time, I like her, but she is not someone I would marry because...
I can legally walk around topless where I live, but how are men going to treat me if I do? No one can complain about my toplessness. If I have a nice perky rack, few men would; but, Im placing myself into a category subconsiously for them that doesnt usually equal wife and mother material. Fun and meaningless, yes! Btw, would it be fair of me to get upset over getting cat-called while Im bopping around topless? Its kinda like those little ladies that like to dress like sluts, but dont want anyone looking at them, lol. Okies...
Sometimes we rationalize the things we like, and think we can have it all. We might have a few friends that feel the same way, or at least claim they do.
I understand completely what you mean by fear of commitment. I lived with my husband for 8 years before I desided I was ready for marriage. He was always ready to marry me, always said he would - and up until the last time he said it, I would just simply say ok, and move the topic along to something else. The ability to simply walk away if things went sour was too appealing to me. Why hassle with a messy divorce and drag things out if its over? Just pack my things and walk. Easy.
What do I want from the relationship leftovers? Nothing. Why would I want a bunch of crap that reminds me of you, and the fact the relationship ended? But, that was just me.
Its easy to buck social values when you are young and dont know what you want. Now that you have desided you want more than meaningless sex, you have to change your approach to dating completely. You need to dress and carry yourself differently. Dont expect to be the center of attention and life of the party while attempting this mindset change. You cant do it. No one has it all.
Depending on your age, good luck to you. You can change your life, but very few truely succeed in doing so. Change is difficult, and falling back on old habits is way too easy.
Last edited by ConeyGirl52; 09-27-2014 at 02:04 PM..
When you just want to be "in the moment" you end up only being a moment.
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