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I agree, vengefulness is bad, I am human, still learning these things. To be honest, nothing like this even happened to me before. Next time i will know better, just to walk away from the problem
However, the so called gf was going to be cheated on nonetheless...with another side woman
Child please. All these dudes are doing is trying to save the next dude from getting caught by feeding you a line of crap so you'll be silent next time.
"Vengeful" or not, the other girl did not deserve to be lied to. By staying silent, you allow him to get away with deceiving another person. What if she went on to marry him? Had kids? And no one ever told her, because it was "not their business". Whatever. Do not let the butthurt get to you. In my world, that's aiding and abetting. LOL. You don't HAVE to tell, but in my book that's the right thing to do if you are wiling.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinawina
Child please. All these dudes are doing is trying to save the next dude from getting caught by feeding you a line of crap so you'll be silent next time.
"Vengeful" or not, the other girl did not deserve to be lied to. By staying silent, you allow him to get away with deceiving another person. What if she went on to marry him? Had kids? And no one ever told her, because it was "not their business". Whatever. Do not let the butthurt get to you. In my book, that's aiding and abetting. LOL. You don't HAVE to tell, but in my book that's the right thing to do if you are wiling.
Give me a damn break. I'd say the same thing (and have said it, in the case I mentioned earlier) to dudes when the roles are reversed. There is no gender issue here. It is weak to be a scorned or "other" lover. Take the high road and move on, never, ever be a (male or female) psycho hosebeast.
Child please. All these dudes are doing is trying to save the next dude from getting caught by feeding you a line of crap so you'll be silent next time.
"Vengeful" or not, the other girl did not deserve to be lied to. By staying silent, you allow him to get away with deceiving another person. What if she went on to marry him? Had kids? And no one ever told her, because it was "not their business". Whatever. Do not let the butthurt get to you. In my world, that's aiding and abetting. LOL. You don't HAVE to tell, but in my book that's the right thing to do if you are wiling.
But see, she didn't know what the girl was to the guy until she asked questions. All she knew was that a guy she was seeing, with whom she did not have an exclusive relationship, was spending time with another woman. It wasn't until she pried that she found out that the other woman was a girlfriend.
Did she deserve to be lied to? No, but it wasn't the OP's place to pull the wool from her eyes, and the OP didn't do it out of altruism or some sense of loyalty. She admits that she did it out of vengeance.
Where the guy made his mistake was not telling the OP he did not want a relationship straight up when she brought her feelings up. Although he did not seem to indicate that they WERE in any kind of relationship. It sounds like he didn't want to lose the FWB that was going on so he made just enough adjustments to keep the FWB going. But it's clear that's all it was to him.
I would not have called the OP psycho, but I think he was justified in his anger because he did not make a clear commitment. The OP should have pushed him one way or the other if commitment was what she wanted. However, without making his goals clear, he ran this kind of risk. So in that sense this is a consequence of that mistake.
I think OP acted out of line. Not psycho, but crass.
I do feel bad for him in a sense that if he had told me about this other chick and how there is a serious relationship going on - I would have backed away and he would have been happily with her. He did not want to let go this casual relationship for whatever reason, he did make small adjustments, you are correct. I think he liked the variety.
Give me a damn break. I'd say the same thing (and have said it, in the case I mentioned earlier) to dudes when the roles are reversed. There is no gender issue here. It is weak to be a scorned or "other" lover. Take the high road and move on, never, ever be a (male or female) psycho hosebeast.
Like I said, we have nothing to discuss, because I can't even come close to understanding that mentality. It's like you landed from another planet. Somebody you lied to blowing up your spot is a "hosebeast" and is somehow wrong because... reasons? And if someone tells you your significant other is cheating on you then that person is a bad person? Maybe if they did it in a particularly hurtful way and insulted you in the process, but just the act of telling you makes them "weak"? I can't process the foolishness.
But see, she didn't know what the girl was to the guy until she asked questions. All she knew was that a guy she was seeing, with whom she did not have an exclusive relationship, was spending time with another woman. It wasn't until she pried that she found out that the other woman was a girlfriend.
Did she deserve to be lied to? No, but it wasn't the OP's place to pull the wool from her eyes, and the OP didn't do it out of altruism or some sense of loyalty. She admits that she did it out of vengeance.
out of sheer curiosity to be honest. If she told me they were on their second date, I would have left it at that. Per our agreement, he could date around but not have a serious relationship
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinawina
Like I said, we have nothing to discuss, because I can't even come close to understanding that mentality. It's like you landed from another planet. Somebody you lied to blowing up your spot is a "hosebeast" and is somehow wrong because... reasons? And if someone tells you your significant other is cheating on you then that person is a bad person? Maybe if they did it in a particularly hurtful way and insulted you in the process, but just the act of telling you makes them "weak"? I can't process the foolishness.
We just need to agree to disagree and move on.
They are a bad person because this third freaking party thinks it is their business to inject themselves in my relationship. My relationship is between me and her. His (or her) butting in is loserville drama creating. Mind your own damn business. I'll handle my own relationships. Learn that. And yes, it makes them weak because they aren't doing it for my benefit, but because they are b*tthurt and can't deal so they're lashing out trying to hurt others (vengeance) in the weak azz guise of helping others. Freaking pathetic beyond words.
I've hooked up with (older married women in my 20s) both with me knowing and not knowing what was going on. I would never be all "Oh, I thought she really cared, I should warn him he's married to a cheating sloot" Come on. That would be moving into loserville territory. It happened. Move on.
But see, she didn't know what the girl was to the guy until she asked questions. All she knew was that a guy she was seeing, with whom she did not have an exclusive relationship, was spending time with another woman. It wasn't until she pried that she found out that the other woman was a girlfriend.
Did she deserve to be lied to? No, but it wasn't the OP's place to pull the wool from her eyes, and the OP didn't do it out of altruism or some sense of loyalty. She admits that she did it out of vengeance.
So? He said he did not have anything serious going on. She saw him with someone and it looked serious. She asked. It turns out he was lying.
What was she supposed to do, ask him later? He just would have lied. The only way to know was to ask the girl.
If everything was on the up and up there would be no problem today. The problem was not that she had the nerve to try to find out if she was being decieved, the problem is... Drumroll please... he lied to them both. Badly. And got caught.
If you don't want to get caught in lies, don't tell them. People get angry when they find out they've been played. This is not news.
All this "not her place" stuff is just deflection. It's not her place to find out for sure if she got hosed? It's not her place to "ask questions"? Remember, the OP explicitly told him she did not want to be in this kind of situation. It WAS her business to find out if her agreement was being violated. This was supposed to be a "casual relationship" with someone UNATTACHED. Not a "casual relationship" where she doesn't care what else he does and with whom. She did not agree to that and she did not owe him to play along.
So? He said he did not have anything serious going on. She saw him with someone and it looked serious. She asked. It turns out he was lying.
What was she supposed to do, ask him later? He just would have lied. The only way to know was to ask the girl.
If everything was on the up and up there would be no problem today. The problem was not that she had the nerve to try to find out if she was being decieved, the problem is... Drumroll please... he lied to them both. Badly. And got caught.
If you don't want to get caught in lies, don't tell them. People get angry when they find out they've been played. This is not news.
All this "not her place" stuff is just deflection. It's not her place to find out for sure if she got hosed? It's not her place to "ask questions"? Remember, the OP explicitly told him she did not want to be in this kind of situation. It WAS her business to find out if her agreement was being violated. This was supposed to be a "casual relationship" with someone UNATTACHED. Not a "casual relationship" where she doesn't care what else he does and with whom. She did not agree to that and she did not owe him to play along.
But she admits that she didn't really want just a casual relationship. That much is evident in the fact that she asked the question "Are you his girlfriend?" If she had a bad feeling about it, she should have just walked away.
I'm not saying the guy isn't a douchebag here. He totally is, and yes, he lied to her about being unattached. But the OP seemed to already have a bad feeling about things, or else she wouldn't have asked "Are you his girlfriend?"
She should have just moved along and stopped seeing him.
I don't think it's fair for Timberline to call her a hosebeast, though.
Tinawina,
I did ask him about the woman, he said she was "an innocent bystander" . I asked him today in an email. His exact words, she got downgraded from a girlfriend to an innocent bystander. If he could walk a little bit behind her to avoid appearing that they were together, he would have done that to avoid "upsetting me".
Last edited by tulip999; 09-29-2014 at 08:52 PM..
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