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Actually....it's a crap shoot. The wave might look good, but once you're on top.. It generally turns out to be smaller than you hoped it would be and subsequently the ride is usually short and no very satisfying.
You can take your board and go home or... paddle back out for another try.
Location: Subconscious Syncope, USA (Northeastern US)
2,365 posts, read 2,149,295 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Loudsco
I have posted about relationship problems in the past. I have posted about women who I have perceived to have screwed up with. Over analyzing every detail to some how figure out the solution to my problems with love, sex and relationships.
I came to a conclusion that I am simply not emtionally mature enough to handle love, sex and romance of any kind (despite being 22 and not far from 23). I have had my first love, I have had a relationship, and I have been able to hook up with a girl on what seem to be huge gaps in time. But all these emotions feel incredibly intense and sometimes overwhelming. I will have these moments that look like a success story with a girl, but it always seems to fizzle out before anything serious actually happens. Ive never taken a girl home on a one night stand. I have never had any problems morally with it...but it just never seems to progress in a natural way. This goes for one night stands and relationships.
I guess the best way to explain it is...I know that person who I want to be is there and has revealed himself many times, but it only goes so far before I start to get in my own way. And as hard as I have tried to mentally overcome this, it has still be a battle that poses great difficulty.
So these past few days I have decided to try to just pretend none of it exist. If I saw a pretty girl, I would try to see her as an average everyday person I wouldnt really go out of my way to look at. I tried to take an approach towards life without any kind of romantic or sexual feelings.
Yet...despite all my efforts, I cant seem to get away from it. I have friends who literally try to put me in positions to approach women or try to get me in a situation to **** a girl. Whether this be a bar or some random public place. I really didnt have it in me to approach a girl my friend pointed out, so he made a joke about how he "needs a new recruit". I know he was just joking, but in the back of my head I was beating myself up about it.
I dont care about notches or picking up girls, I dont care about finding a wife or even a serious girlfriend. But I have friends who are very good at those things. And I envy it. I dont care to be involved in it constantly, but I want to be able to confidently say "I dont have a problem with women". I want to have the ability to pick up a girl or find a girlfriend if I had the desire to.
These are things that I feel should come natural to an extent. "game guides" or "poa books" shouldnt be a requirment to be good with women. I dont think things like this should be so complicated and hard to understand. I know dudes who really are not incredibly intelligent and they do this with ease. Hell, my friend tells me all he does is be himself and it happens to him.
Like I have said before, I have had my fair share of it all, but its something that usually happens once in a blue moon while it seems more consistent for other people i know. I want these anxieties and insecurities to be gone. I can attract women...but it ends in disappointent. And when i try to run from it, I cant get away and am constantly reminded on how im not good with women. So I ask everyone...WTF DO I DO?
You are a baby. Just have fun. Things will fall into place eventually. What's the big rush??
Location: Somewhere in a Field of Hopes and Dreams
596 posts, read 627,813 times
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Seems to me like you see these relationships with women as a subject to master, a skill to gain, a game to conquer. If you changed your mindset and began to see them as another human being, the approach wouldn't be nearly as difficult as you're making it out to be, we're people not aliens for Christ's sake haha!
We have the same fears, doubts, and insecurities as you, and once you begin to see the similarity, talking to a woman and maintaining a relationship with her wont be nearly as difficult.
My guess is though that most of these women who have slipped past you, have to some extent felt like an object or meaningless to you on some level. Maybe they sensed you couldn't relate to them, because you weren't trying to relate to them. Either way people become a lot less complicated when we sit back and realize we are all pretty much the same--it's our outward appearance and outwardly actions that make us different.
Seems to me like you see these relationships with women as a subject to master, a skill to gain, a game to conquer. If you changed your mindset and began to see them as another human being, the approach wouldn't be nearly as difficult as you're making it out to be, we're people not aliens for Christ's sake haha!
We have the same fears, doubts, and insecurities as you, and once you begin to see the similarity, talking to a woman and maintaining a relationship with her wont be nearly as difficult.
My guess is though that most of these women who have slipped past you, have to some extent felt like an object or meaningless to you on some level. Maybe they sensed you couldn't relate to them, because you weren't trying to relate to them. Either way people become a lot less complicated when we sit back and realize we are all pretty much the same--it's our outward appearance and outwardly actions that make us different.
I completly understand where youre coming from and that makes a lot of sense. Ill give you a good example of something that happened to me.
There was a girl who I met at a music festival. She seemed really into me and i ended up kissing her at the end of the first night. After that she sort of seemed to wanna be on friendly terms and wasnt into flirting and stuff as much. she didnt say that straight up, but her vibe seemed different than it was the first night. we still chilled a bit.
After that i never really saw her despite us living in the same town. It wasnt until a month or two later that i heard from her again. A mutual friend who was at my house asked if it was cool if she stopped through. She said hey and seemed to be really friendly. She started talking about yoga and was asked me if i wanted to go with her and some other people. I agreed and went a week or two later. A couple of us did yoga at her place. It was cool and i had a good time.
But in the back of my mind I kind of wonder what happened a few months back. I kept over thinking it all for awhile. Maybe i came on too strong, maybe there were some awkward moments. Im really not sure. I felt like we connected a bit, and she still clearly wants to be my friend. But it kind of bugs me. She was the first girl that I had a thing for in awhile, but I wonder if there is something I do that pushes girls away despite their interest. I keep trying to figure out what it is, because i find myself in similar situations a lot of the time. And if its not me, and its just something about the girl being weird, then its pretty much the story of my life and theres nothing i can do about it.
Do I really even know what a real connection is? Maybe not, because thats a prime example of a time i thought me and a girl hit it off and she ended up not being interested. Its kind of a mind ****. But as i have been comtemplating all of this I am realizing more and more that none of this really matters for the most part. But it still bugs me and boggles me.
Location: Somewhere in a Field of Hopes and Dreams
596 posts, read 627,813 times
Reputation: 683
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loudsco
I completly understand where youre coming from and that makes a lot of sense. Ill give you a good example of something that happened to me.
There was a girl who I met at a music festival. She seemed really into me and i ended up kissing her at the end of the first night. After that she sort of seemed to wanna be on friendly terms and wasnt into flirting and stuff as much. she didnt say that straight up, but her vibe seemed different than it was the first night. we still chilled a bit....
Do I really even know what a real connection is? Maybe not, because thats a prime example of a time i thought me and a girl hit it off and she ended up not being interested. Its kind of a mind ****. But as i have been comtemplating all of this I am realizing more and more that none of this really matters for the most part. But it still bugs me and boggles me.
Well I can't be certain why she acted the way she did, and why things never progressed because I'm not her, but I do know that some girls feel uncomfortable being put in a position where they have to publicly turning down a guy. I remember when I first started dating, I went on a date with a guy from my class and he was a complete gentleman, all the way up until he started tried to kiss me!
Personally, a kiss on the first date, or first outing is a big no no for me, we really don't know each other to be getting so close, so fast. When the guy came into kiss me, it honestly happened all so fast, I felt bombarded and I wasn't prepared for it. I could of probably pulled away at the last second but honestly I was in total shock, I had never had a guy try to make a move on me so fast, that and it was in the middle of the date (remember first date ever), I always thought the kiss came at the end, so in my mind I was preparing for it to happen much later and I was prepared to say no. But it didn't, it happened when it did, and in front of a huge crowd, and honestly had no idea what to do. I felt awkward and uncomfortable, I knew people were looking at us, and that made me feel even more awkward for him. I didn't want to embarrass him by chastising him in front of everyone, and I was terrified that he'd refuse to bring me home if I did.
All very silly now, because if I don't want to kiss someone I shouldn't feel pressure to do so, but for a lot of girls (at least my age [early 20s]) think about these things and because we put the feelings of someone else before our own, we can end up sending mixed signals.
So where you may have thought that kiss meant she was interested, given her actions after that night, my guess is that she wasn't. The fact that she allowed the kiss to happen may have just been because you were so forward, or she felt uncomfortable turning you down in public.
Now, this isn't to say that you aren't a good catch, or a woman can't be interested in you, and to be honest, it probably has more to do with you moving too fast and that can turn any girl off. A good rule of thumb that I always appreciate in the guys I date now, is that they ask, before our first kiss, if they can kiss me. It doesn't leave me feeling unprepared, bombarded, or forced. It lets me know that they like me in the way I do them, but they're considering me and what I want, instead of imposing their want onto me.
I completly understand where youre coming from and that makes a lot of sense. Ill give you a good example of something that happened to me.
There was a girl who I met at a music festival. She seemed really into me and i ended up kissing her at the end of the first night. After that she sort of seemed to wanna be on friendly terms and wasnt into flirting and stuff as much. she didnt say that straight up, but her vibe seemed different than it was the first night. we still chilled a bit.
After that i never really saw her despite us living in the same town. It wasnt until a month or two later that i heard from her again. A mutual friend who was at my house asked if it was cool if she stopped through. She said hey and seemed to be really friendly. She started talking about yoga and was asked me if i wanted to go with her and some other people. I agreed and went a week or two later. A couple of us did yoga at her place. It was cool and i had a good time.
But in the back of my mind I kind of wonder what happened a few months back. I kept over thinking it all for awhile. Maybe i came on too strong, maybe there were some awkward moments. Im really not sure. I felt like we connected a bit, and she still clearly wants to be my friend. But it kind of bugs me. She was the first girl that I had a thing for in awhile, but I wonder if there is something I do that pushes girls away despite their interest. I keep trying to figure out what it is, because i find myself in similar situations a lot of the time. And if its not me, and its just something about the girl being weird, then its pretty much the story of my life and theres nothing i can do about it.
Do I really even know what a real connection is? Maybe not, because thats a prime example of a time i thought me and a girl hit it off and she ended up not being interested. Its kind of a mind ****. But as i have been comtemplating all of this I am realizing more and more that none of this really matters for the most part. But it still bugs me and boggles me.
Yeah I can see how that would come off too strong. and I honestly felt like that was the reason. The setting wasnt realy a date though. We were with a big group of people at a festival, and as people went off and did their thing, she wanted to be alone with me. and I feel like if i dont make a move that they get a vibe that im not interested or just wanna be friends. so i miss an opportunity. Its like this weird lose lose situation.
I have anxieties about not being good enough for a woman. It sounds stupid, but whenever I see my friends pull girls like its nothing, it makes me reflect on myself and my insecurities. Women have always been a rough topic in my life. And it bugs me that its not something that i could do if i really wanted to.
I have a fear of ending up 40 and still clueless. Thats like...the worst possible outcome of all this anxiety. At least im not a virgin lol
Within the first few posts you made you have compared yourself to your friends so stop comparing yourself to others.
You are YOU, your are not THEM and until you understand and accept that you are you and you are not them and cannot be them you will continue to have the issues you have if you continue to compare yourself to someone you cannot be.
Quit over analyzing as well and any anxiety you have about not being with someone is brought on by yourself because you continue to compare yourself to them and them is not you so stop it already and seek professional therapy if necessary.
There are programs for those who need professional therapy who cannot afford it, if you are in college check with an adviser, if you are working see if your company offers mental health related counseling or check your city and see if there is a public health mental health clinic.
Now how do you know she wanted to be alone with you?
Did she blatantly say that she wanted to be "alone" with you?
When I first got to the festival she was hanging out with me in a group of people. Then i split off from that group. Well I was with a group of about 5 or 6 people a few hours later. This girl and a mutual friend walk up and sit with us. Eventually everyone walks off and her friend she came with annouces shes going back to camp. She didnt say anything, she just continued to sit beside me. I then said "well I guess everyones gone" Her:"haha i guess sooo" Me: "I guess im gonna go try to find a set to watch (music set), you wanna come with?" She agreed and came with me.
We even got split up for a second, met up at camp and went off together again. So...idk, I feel like if a girl wants to be alone with me at a festival thats usually a good sign she wanted to kiss. Honestly there was really not a whole lot going on. Most of the place died down and people were just walking around and chillen. We stayed up and talked a little at camp too before we went to sleep.
Location: Somewhere in a Field of Hopes and Dreams
596 posts, read 627,813 times
Reputation: 683
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loudsco
When I first got to the festival she was hanging out with me in a group of people. Then i split off from that group. Well I was with a group of about 5 or 6 people a few hours later. This girl and a mutual friend walk up and sit with us. Eventually everyone walks off and her friend she came with annouces shes going back to camp. She didnt say anything, she just continued to sit beside me. I then said "well I guess everyones gone" Her:"haha i guess sooo" Me: "I guess im gonna go try to find a set to watch (music set), you wanna come with?" She agreed and came with me.
We even got split up for a second, met up at camp and went off together again. So...idk, I feel like if a girl wants to be alone with me at a festival thats usually a good sign she wanted to kiss. Honestly there was really not a whole lot going on. Most of the place died down and people were just walking around and chillen. We stayed up and talked a little at camp too before we went to sleep.
Seems like a whole lot of assuming on your part. I don't really know how music festivals work because I haven't been lucky enough to go, but maybe she stayed with you because you were interested in staying where the music was? I mean if she came to a music festival she probably didn't want to run back off to camp when she has a chance to see more bands. But like I said before, next time just ask a girl before you kiss her , you'll come across as considerate and patient, and it leaves no room for mixed signals.
And for the record, I don't think there's anything wrong with you, it's natural for people our age (early 20s too) to compare ourselves with the lives of our friends and measure our success on what's happening around us. I date every now and then, and I read signals wrong too! Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll never find someone and wont get to have a family and you know what? They're a lot of people who at our age think the same. The key is to not measure your success and your degree of normalcy on someone else. What works for your friends may not work for you, and with all due respect--some of your friends seem like a piece of work--maybe its best you be yourself.
Don't jump to conclusions too soon, give things time, give yourself and that person time to get to know one another, and if you perceive there's something there, you can always ask them if they feel the same way.
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When the guy came into kiss me, it honestly happened all so fast, I felt bombarded and I wasn't prepared for it. I could of probably pulled away at the last second but honestly I was in total shock, I had never had a guy try to make a move on me so fast, that and it was in the middle of the date (remember first date ever), I always thought the kiss came at the end, so in my mind I was preparing for it to happen much later and I was prepared to say no. But it didn't, it happened when it did, and in front of a huge crowd, and honestly had no idea what to do. I felt awkward and uncomfortable, I knew people were looking at us, and that made me feel even more awkward for him. I didn't want to embarrass him by chastising him in front of everyone, and I was terrified that he'd refuse to bring me home if I did. 
