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And now you are acting paranoid like I advised you not to do. I actually know what I am talking about as a jealous person myself who tries to fight it, but it is clear that you ignored my post.
So I will quote it again:
You are now starting to get paranoid. So you told her you don't want her going to lunch with the guy. Now LEAVE IT ALONE. As my mom used to say, LET HER HANG HERSELF. I believe you will find out either way that she is still going/cheating on you unless she is just an amazing liar. Cheaters always seem to leave clues.
Halfamazing's post is all well and good and makes the jealous party feel better. Hell I felt better about my own nature reading it. But what good is there in forcing your partner to do anything? She will cheat if she wants to and she will find a way no matter how demanding or controlling you are, period. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who would cheat if only I didn't have a strong leash on them. That's not a real relationship at all.
Good posts! The best he can hope for is not to tell her she can't have lunch with the guy, but rather talk about his feelings, that he feels very uncomfortable that she spends a lot of time socializing with a guy where there has been a mutual crush, and he doesn't feel it's adding anything positive to their relationship.
But trying to find a way to join in on this lunches, to supervise and chaperone, or start digging around and looking for clues is only self-sabotaging. If you feel that distrusting based on lunches she's been up-front about, then end the relationship.
But trying to find a way to join in on this lunches, to supervise and chaperone, or start digging around and looking for clues is only self-sabotaging. If you feel that distrusting based on lunches she's been up-front about, then end the relationship.
This is the best way to approach.
But I also see some other posters making it seem as if he is simply to accept this as she will do what she wants. It is not a case of him making her do what he wants but it is a case of HIM STANDING UP and ensuring that she understands the implications of lunching someone she had a crush with.
Your partner has indicated she has no feelings at all for this guy - but even if this is not true she is choosing to be with you. And in your place I merely have to say I would respect and trust that decision unless there was some _other_ reasons not to.
Where does this mentality come from? So my partner can rape and pillage an entire village but simply because she hasn't raped and pillaged our place of habitat means I should trust her?
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610
You are acting like some immature 7th grader because
"he used to like her and she used to like him and now I like her and she likes me but he keeps looking at her even though they broke up last week and she likes me and I like her but he is causing trouble because he used to like her and wants her to like him again....."
You have no right to tell her who she can have as a friend this is only an issue because YOU are making it an issue.
If you are that jealous and possessive perhaps you should get a dog and not have a girlfriend.
That way you can leash the dog legally and keep it away from all other humans.
Fair is fair.
We as a group will attach a virtual relationship GPS on to the both of you. You will forever, despite your SO's actions, never question or have any concerns simply because your SO says so. Every time you try to question or wonder, you will be electrocuted. Fair enough? You will be expected to believe any and everything told to you by your SO. We will even throw in some challenges and have your SO deliberately act unbecomingly and you will still resist the temptation to question his/her motives simply because they are with you. Fair?
It's 2015, they warned us about machines living within us....
Halfamazing's post is all well and good and makes the jealous party feel better. Hell I felt better about my own nature reading it. But what good is there in forcing your partner to do anything? She will cheat if she wants to and she will find a way no matter how demanding or controlling you are, period. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who would cheat if only I didn't have a strong leash on them. That's not a real relationship at all.
Thanks for the good note! Let me clarify as we are still on the same page. It is not about him forcing his partner to do anything but rather standing up and making a choice and acting upon his decision.
This idea that she will do what she wants to because she "SAYS" nothing is happening and that he should trust her and leave everything be is ridicules and outright insane while unbecoming of a mature adult. Yes, he can take that route but that would be self-destructive.
Like I said, if he REALLY, AS A TRUE MAN, expresses his feelings and PROPERLY EXPLAINS why this may be perceived as stepping out of bounds, and she continues justify it, he should leave. But he has to take action, not investigate or try to change her.
Thanks for the good note! Let me clarify as we are still on the same page. It is not about him forcing his partner to do anything but rather standing up and making a choice and acting upon his decision.
This idea that she will do what she wants to because she "SAYS" nothing is happening and that he should trust her and leave everything be is ridicules and outright insane while unbecoming of a mature adult. Yes, he can take that route but that would be self-destructive.
Like I said, if he REALLY, AS A TRUE MAN, expresses his feelings and PROPERLY EXPLAINS why this may be perceived as stepping out of bounds, and she continues justify it, he should leave. But he has to take action, not investigate or try to change her.
It appears that he did make a choice and that some discussion was had.
I agree with you, I just don't want the OP to start thinking that he can act possessive and crazy jealous when there is nothing there. What do you think should happen if he continues to be paranoid but she actually stops seeing the guy?
I think he should trust what she says until she gives him a reason not to. Like, she says she doesn't see him anymore but hides her phone from the OP and starts acting weird. I think cheaters generally show signs of cheating that don't have to do with what they actually say.
If she continues to see the guy and especially if she lies about it then he should leave. This would indicate that she doesn't respect him and he doesn't trust her so it's a useless relationship anyway. I just fear that the OP's jealousy won't stop there. Trust me, I know all about jealousy and how far it can go and it can truly ruin relationships that ordinarily are OK.
I think partners in a relationship have the obligation to maintain an appearance of propriety. She is breaking that. At best, she is willingly doing something that looks bad, and makes you uncomfortable, and that should be enough for her to change her behavior. She can choose to make the classmate feel bad by stopping the lunches, or make you feel bad by continuing them.
Take heed of her choices.
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I think partners in a relationship have the obligation to maintain an appearance of propriety. She is breaking that. At best, she is willingly doing something that looks bad, and makes you uncomfortable, and that should be enough for her to change her behavior. She can choose to make the classmate feel bad by stopping the lunches, or make you feel bad by continuing them.
Take heed of her choices.
fricken ghandi deep thoughts there, and so true...
I think partners in a relationship have the obligation to maintain an appearance of propriety. She is breaking that. At best, she is willingly doing something that looks bad, and makes you uncomfortable, and that should be enough for her to change her behavior. She can choose to make the classmate feel bad by stopping the lunches, or make you feel bad by continuing them.
Take heed of her choices.
Pretty much what it ends up at regardless of what people think When it's all said and done.
I’ve been in this situation a few times and did not care for it. It is a guaranteed instant deal breaker for me and non negotiable. I have learned my wonderful blessed lesson from this as when I said I was uncomfortable with it she went out of her way to do more of it and relished my discomfort. I mentioned that if the situation was reversed I for one would not even consider a meeting of any kind, anywhere, with somebody I once had a crush on let alone feelings of any kind other than brother/sister or coworker degree of feelings. People are certainly different and we learn the hard way who are true enemies are in this life by how they treat us whether it be nicely with compassion and friendship or pure selfishness and intentional meanness.
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