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First of all....I apologize for the long question...and thank you for your patience in reading this !!!
I met this guy at a friends place for dinner. We met on several occasions after that and eventually we started spending time together and we got closer. He mentioned he wanted a relationship and i said we can only be friends w/ benefits (Actually i am divorced and he is single and this would not be acceptable for a relationship in our culture so i did not want to get my hopes up and wanted to keep it simple....this way we can part w/o anyone having expectations & getting hurt; And i did not want to reveal my past to him so soon enuf...i knew him only for 3 months). SO we started to be FWB and after a month he said he did not what this kind of a relationship and wanted to be just friends atleast....i said YES.
I limited our interaction for mutual benefit but he refused to.....After some weeks again he posed the question of developing a relationship that would lead to marriage and i had to tell him my past in order to stop him. Surprisingly, he took it well and said it is not a problem for him. With some misunderstandings and glitches initially we started dating....But after 2 weeks i broke up with him as i knew how this wd end, i did not want to get my hopes up and get hurt. He would not back off, he approached my friends...made them talk to me, convince me and got back to me. We started again and are now serious for some months. He approached his parents for their consent on our marriage and now he says he doesn't know what to do and he does not want to hurt me and that his parents are not okay with our marriage due to my past.
He flew back home and He called once to tell me the bad news and no calls/texts after that, 2 weeks later he texted me one day that he is meeting a girl that his parents picked because his parents are forcing him (people from our culture get into arranged marriages). I questioned him how he could do that when he promised me he would not....he said he's just doing to keep his father's word.
What i am confused about is did he play me all this while or was he genuine.....Heart says...If all he wanted was a physical relationship...he was getting it...i was d one who wanted to be friends with benefits....he wanted something serious. And after all these months of being in a serious relationship and me starting to trust someone, getting my hopes up and expecting that i might actually settle down again he is saying this. But brain says.....something is fishy.....as soon as he landed he went mia....no texts, calls, no updates.....
I am beginning to loose trust and i dont want to be d one breaking up and losing him if he was genuine.
What do i do ???
Um, you were just as confusing to him as you claim he was to you. You knew your boundaries but went ahead anyway.
I doubt he was playing you. I think he probably didn't believe his parents would actually object.
Are you ever able to remarry in "your culture"?? If so, don't get involved with anybody but that kind of guy from now on and save everybody the heartache.
We are allowed to remarry in our culture....and ideally such situations are allowed. But it depends from family to family and their personal beliefs.....A lot of my friends got remarried and some of my guy friends married divorced girls....including my own cousin.
So i thot it might work and went ahead....
We started again and are now serious for some months. He approached his parents for their consent on our marriage and now he says he doesn't know what to do and he does not want to hurt me and that his parents are not okay with our marriage due to my past.
He flew back home and He called once to tell me the bad news and no calls/texts after that, 2 weeks later he texted me one day that he is meeting a girl that his parents picked because his parents are forcing him (people from our culture get into arranged marriages). I questioned him how he could do that when he promised me he would not....he said he's just doing to keep his father's word.?
Consider yourself lucky. He doesn't deserve you. He deserves an arranged marriage and he deserves to be called a good son, instead of a good partner.
You can be somebody else' phoenix. Just find yourself a true dragon.
I am curious about this culture where a divorced woman and a single man cannot engage in a respectable serious relationship but being F *** Buddies is accepted?
I'm not sure why he would consider his parents word as final, but I don't know your culture. Quite frankly, he isn't a man if his parents rule his life. It sounds like he likes you, and he may try to get back with you after a while. Still, if you want a real man, he won't be beholden to his parents when it comes to love
I am curious about this culture where a divorced woman and a single man cannot engage in a respectable serious relationship but being F *** Buddies is accepted?
I know a lot of guys who would move there pronto!
LOL...even that is not acceptable....his parents don't know all this.....as far as they know we just date and he is interested in marrying me and want their approval.
LOL...even that is not acceptable....his parents don't know all this.....as far as they know we just date and he is interested in marrying me and want their approval.
So he is ok ethically with lying and breaking the cultural taboos to get with his **** buddy (as long as no one finds out), but he can't stand up to his parents for the woman he loves?
We are allowed to remarry in our culture....and ideally such situations are allowed. But it depends from family to family and their personal beliefs.....A lot of my friends got remarried and some of my guy friends married divorced girls....including my own cousin.
So i thot it might work and went ahead....
Then you should be completely up front about it from day one so that you won't have this type of drama and heartache in the future. Have the guy check with his parents before going any further if that's the norm in your culture. Personally, I think a guy waiting for his parents' approval is wimpy, but I do come from a different culture.
So he is ok ethically with lying and breaking the cultural taboos to get with his **** buddy (as long as no one finds out), but he can't stand up to his parents for the woman he loves?
Pretty much.
It doesn't say much about the OP either if she is willing to play along with this farce of a lifestyle.
Here is my advice, OP. Be a part of this culture or don't. There is NO WAY you will be able to have a healthy relationship anyway if you are playing along with this kind of deception beforehand.
Be a grown up and be honest and forthright about who you are, what you want and what you have to offer. Why should you be willing to play these ancient games of "please the parents"? It's emotionally stunting for you and insulting to your parents.
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