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As I've gotten older, I've learned to be more open-minded when it comes to someone's looks. Part of that is because my own looks have changed. But also because the qualities that matter most to me in a partner have changed. One of those qualities is health. Looks and health aren't entirely separate though. My ex was overweight and I never had a problem with how she looked. But I did worry about the potential health issues she'd be facing as a result of her weight, like diabetes or heart disease. Maybe this question really only applies to the over 40 crowd, but how much do you pay attention to how healthy someone looks versus how flexible to be on their overall appearance?
I'll answer but it won't be the sort of answer that probably is the most sensible because I am a woman, and stereotypical "good looks" don't do a whole lot for me anyways.
I struggle with the idea of even thinking of judging a partner just on looks. Best way I can make sense of that, is to say that rather than an ideal, there is a "floor"...a threshold where the looks are so bad that it's a dealbreaker. And that would usually come with a serious health issue making it that way. So the kind of obesity where someone is not able to walk very well and they are several times what a normal person weighs, or skeletal "drug addict" thinness, or really really bad teeth, or meth sores all over the face, like "ew" level bad looks...yeah ok, ya got me. Deal broken. I have SOME standards. But so long as a prospective partner falls somewhere in the overall "normal-ish" range...I'm ok. Even if they later reveal to me that they have a serious health concern that could end up being a big deal...depending on what it is, I am likely to still be in the game with them. Especially if it's something like cancer, as opposed to something like drug addiction. One I could see supporting a partner through, the other I do not want to deal with.
Also, oddly enough, there is a "ceiling" on how "pretty" I'll want a male partner to be. I have met men (a singer named Voltaire springs to mind) that I found almost confusing because I could acknowledge that I found them very aesthetically good looking, but they were somehow TOO pretty and I know I would not go there even given the chance. Like I feel he'd be too full of himself or something, ego inflated by all the admiration he gets for being hot, I dunno. ??
Being healthy certainly does affect your attractiveness.
In terms of "competing" for attention, a healthy appearance sends a message of vitality and activity and, above all, awareness and ability to do something about it, which have become much more desirable qualities to me as I've gotten older.
By the time I find out he is sick (but doesn't look sick) it is too late to make a smart decision. Once I am in love, I deal with whatever it is.
Obviously, there's only so much you can tell just by looking at them. My ex was overweight when I met her and immediately thought she might have health issues related to that. But I liked her enough to take a chance. After we started dating, I learned that she had bipolar. But because I was already emotionally invested, I was willing to deal with it rather than walk away. Now that I'm single again and looking to meet someone, I'm debating how much to factor looks into the picture. I want to be open-minded and not dismiss people because of something like weight, for example. But I also know that people my age are more likely to have health issues. So I'm trying to figure out the balance.
Obviously, there's only so much you can tell just by looking at them. My ex was overweight when I met her and immediately thought she might have health issues related to that. But I liked her enough to take a chance. After we started dating, I learned that she had bipolar. But because I was already emotionally invested, I was willing to deal with it rather than walk away. Now that I'm single again and looking to meet someone, I'm debating how much to factor looks into the picture. I want to be open-minded and not dismiss people because of something like weight, for example. But I also know that people my age are more likely to have health issues. So I'm trying to figure out the balance.
Not everything is so obvious as weight. I have been with a super healthy looking gym rat, 6 pack, athletic and what not - however, he couldn't get out of bed without pain meds. Was addicted to them. You would have never guessed by just looking at him. He ate really unhealthy - again, he looked ripped - which caused high blood pressure and cholesterol. The high blood pressure meds comes with some side effects. So he took pills for the side effects. This guy is probably not reaching old age. But he looked 15 years younger than he was and everyone thought he is superfit - which he was - but with the help of pain meds. He could do 2 hours weightlifting at the gym or bicycle up a steep mountain but not hike for half an hour or run 1/4 mile.
But I have been with chubs (50lbs overweight) who had no health problems. Soooo....
Obviously, there's only so much you can tell just by looking at them. My ex was overweight when I met her and immediately thought she might have health issues related to that. But I liked her enough to take a chance. After we started dating, I learned that she had bipolar. But because I was already emotionally invested, I was willing to deal with it rather than walk away. Now that I'm single again and looking to meet someone, I'm debating how much to factor looks into the picture. I want to be open-minded and not dismiss people because of something like weight, for example. But I also know that people my age are more likely to have health issues. So I'm trying to figure out the balance.
Well, if you see someone who looks super obese, you can kinda tell this is not healthy. Or if she has just one leg. Or tells you right away if she is mentally ill. But a little bit of overweight will probably not necessarily mean she has health issues. There are skinny people who eat only processed foods/fast food also but just get lucky they aren't overweight.
To find a balance I would say try not to date people with obvious health problems or havea super bad diet. Everyone has their own health baggage, just try to avoid the obvious ones?
Obviously, there's only so much you can tell just by looking at them. My ex was overweight when I met her and immediately thought she might have health issues related to that. But I liked her enough to take a chance. After we started dating, I learned that she had bipolar. But because I was already emotionally invested, I was willing to deal with it rather than walk away. Now that I'm single again and looking to meet someone, I'm debating how much to factor looks into the picture. I want to be open-minded and not dismiss people because of something like weight, for example. But I also know that people my age are more likely to have health issues. So I'm trying to figure out the balance.
I have said before, "Nobody is perfect. Everybody has stuff. The right match is just somebody whose stuff you can deal with, and who is willing to deal with yours."
So maybe there's a little more to love than that.
Perhaps it is a matter of figuring out where YOU draw the line in what you can handle and what you can't. I think it is a little heartless to expect a partner to always be in great health so that you won't have to help them or care for them or deal with their problems. And it's unrealistic. Part of being in a long term relationship is supporting someone when they have health issues, hence the "sickness and health" bit in the vows, eh? But sometimes there are things that are too much for us and we've got to be realistic about that.
I shy away from addiction to mind altering drugs in partners. Mostly because I've dealt with it in previous ones and I am over it. That includes alcohol and pot habits. I have a friend who says she cannot date the "reality impaired" (those with serious mental disorders) because she grew up with frightening and erratic relatives terrifying her all the time, and she is absolutely never going back to that sort of place. I don't blame her.
I have an older partner. I'd wipe his backside if one day that's the sort of care he needs. But if he develops severe dementia and makes me feel unsafe (some dementia patients become violent)...I would have to put him in a home. I'd still visit though! I know what I would deal with, and what I won't or can't. You do have a right to protect yourself, and to make your happiness a priority somewhere in the equation of seeking a partner.
BPD is often hard to live with. But I don't see someone your age or even a bit overweight as red flagging for something like BPD. Get to know someone and find out their stuff, then decide if you can deal or if you can't.
I won't date a man who has bad lifestyle habits -- smoking, drugs, drinking, overeating. They usually are impotent. I like a man who can keep up with me. I am pretty much the same weight I was in college and I work out. Too many middle aged men just want to sit around. After 40 everyone has to be proactive about their health.
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