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Going to a new female therapist tomorrow for myself. We have a marriage counselor appointment scheduled for next week. My wife is currently staying at her fathers house, so at least I have some space.
She calls me once a day, and it pisses me off, and I wonder if it should. You have to understand that physically and emotionally outside of this whole mess and what she did, my wife is going through a lot. Again, no justification, but the cliff notes version of where I believe she is at -
In the past 6 years my wifes mother and oldest sister passed away from pancreatic cancer. Her Dad had multiple strokes two days before her mother passed away. My wife fell ill a few years ago (after their deaths) and had her gall bladder removed. Since that time, she is in pain pretty much constantly, which is why now she's leaving her job because she physically can't do it anymore. The medications she takes has side effects. She's been taking care of her father the past 5 months, living a lot at his house 50 miles away. She's now going through menopause. I'm not a female, but with that past 1/2 dozen years I can't imagine the internal hormonal imbalance going on. And to top all of that off, I know full well that my personality type is not the best to fulfill a females emotional needs, as I can be distant and am not touchy. Once this happened, I knew and admit I have something to do with it - of course I do. I've told her that. We don't have sex often, but when we have it's always been amazing.
So yes, as a human being I truly feel bad for her. Yet, I'm faced with what she did. As stated before, I say it's cheating and she says it isn't. And then to the phone calls. What angers me (again, I'm thinking of me selfishly right now), she gives me small talk. She asks me how I'm doing, and then sounds down saying how she's doing lousy. Talks about the day, but never about the situation - I'm the only one who ever brings it up, and I don't anymore. I just listen and try to get off the phone fast. Am I wrong to hope that she would converse about the situation? Even if she's telling the truth about no physical contact, at this point that isn't the issue. She doesn't seem to care enough about my feelings to reach out and discuss things to try to mend the fence. I think she would assume never bring it up again. I also feel that her remorse is for feeling bad because she hurt me, but not considering the level of the act she committed as anything more than a game.
I am glad she's agreed to counseling, because for me that will be the eye opener I need for the future. If nothing comes out and she clams up, I think I know what I'd do. If she opens up and says things I've been trying to get out of her, at least I feel there might be a chance, depending on how the sessions go. The therapist we are going to is well known and considered an expert in relationships. She has regular spots on Fox TV here in Boston, and is a sought after speaker.
It's very normal that she would do small talk. You would be amazed at what mundane things people can do when they're in the midst of a marital crisis.
It's also normal that she would not want to spend her phone time with you talking about the problems.
Right now, and actually for the past year it sounds like, you've both been living a parallel life: the marriage (you thought) you knew about, and the marriage that was reality. Now you just know about both. She's continuing to live the parallel lives.
Also, as a person with a lot experience in this area, I find it VERY unlikely that she was out until 2 am just talking. I denied it to my husband's face when he was holding a credit card statement with a motel charge on it. The level of denial that has to exist for affairs to take place is sometimes unbelievable.
It's very normal that she would do small talk. You would be amazed at what mundane things people can do when they're in the midst of a marital crisis.
It's also normal that she would not want to spend her phone time with you talking about the problems.
Right now, and actually for the past year it sounds like, you've both been living a parallel life: the marriage (you thought) you knew about, and the marriage that was reality. Now you just know about both. She's continuing to live the parallel lives.
Also, as a person with a lot experience in this area, I find it VERY unlikely that she was out until 2 am just talking. I denied it to my husband's face when he was holding a credit card statement with a motel charge on it. The level of denial that has to exist for affairs to take place is sometimes unbelievable.
That's re-assuring
Especially the last paragraph.
Mod cut.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 12-12-2014 at 07:54 AM..
Reason: Orphaned (reference to deleted post).
She's cheating. Catch her in the act and take her to the cleaners in divorce court (especially if you live in an at-fault state). You love her, but she doesn't love you. Just how it is. Get out now.
And exactly what cleaners will she be taken too since she's supposedly in poor health and quitting her job soon? To me it seems strange that a woman in such a dependent state would exhibit such behavior as this and is apparently pretty lax in hiding it. Perhaps she is already cheating and confident she can find support elsewhere. Divorce may be in the cards but with neither party having good finances no one will be taken to the cleaners.
[quote=reneeh63;37607491]And exactly what cleaners will she be taken too since she's supposedly in poor health and quitting her job soon? To me it seems strange that a woman in such a dependent state would exhibit such behavior as this and is apparently pretty lax in hiding it. /QUOTE]
This was my point early on, and the evidence for me that there are deeper issues here that can potentially be addressed and fixed, over time and with a lot of therapy of course.
And I feel in order for me to get to that step, to get out of my own head, I believe it takes professional help. My wife does not believe in counseling and believes things can repair themselves on their own. That is the crossroad I am at. I feel if in her heart she doesn't believe we/she needs counseling, then that will further reflect our incompatibilities. I think I just need to find that out first before taking the next step. Both have to be fully invested in the track of repair, IMHO.
If your somewhat recent lack of closeness to your wife truly "led" her to this type of behavior, why then after confronting her did she not say that if you changed your behavior she would stop hers? It would seem natural for her to throw that up to you, in a sense trying to blame you and then use that to restore your marriage. Instead she is minimizing her behavior and continuing it. That seems to bode very poorly for therapy or a reconciliation.
If your somewhat recent lack of closeness to your wife truly "led" her to this type of behavior, why then after confronting her did she not say that if you changed your behavior she would stop hers? It would seem natural for her to throw that up to you, in a sense trying to blame you and then use that to restore your marriage. Instead she is minimizing her behavior and continuing it. That seems to bode very poorly for therapy or a reconciliation.
I had lunch with my wife today. Obvious to me this road is going to be really bumpy. Deep down I want it to work. She says she does too. But there are base differences in our beliefs of cheating and trust. She doesn't feel the wrong she did is nearly as bad as I do.
On the drive home, I was thinking (gee, really? me? think?). There is currently a core problem I am having that is inhibiting my ability to start the moving on process. That is to reconcile what I know.
The short facts from what I've found (no need to get into her explanations of what has occurred - they are her reasons from her mouth, the one I currently don't trust):
A year ago she began to go out and drink. It was a change in her. I suspected something maybe just because it was something new after 30+ years.
A month and a half ago I find the explicit sext thread - I confront her and tell her of the hurt and say I think it's cheating.
I do a little digging and find some emails and a voicemail or two.
A week and a half ago, I find another explicit sext.
Here's my current hangup -
For one, the mere fact she sexted again after I told her how I felt about it dug the hurt in deep - betrayed and trust gone.
Before the sexts she was going out in the evening to drink and coming back around 2AM. I didn't always know where she was going.
In both sexts I found, words alluded to how good sex was with her, and to meet up for a sex session.
I caught a voice mail, nothing dirty, but alluded to this guy meeting up with her for drinks, and he said he didn't want to drive home and he was planning to get a hotel room and she could crash there is she wanted.
I've asked her several times and she said she's never met up with anybody, let along sleep with them.
I consider myself an intelligent person. I don't know much about these "hook up" sites and sexting or other forms of non physical sex crap. I've read that in fact that words in the sexting world may allude to one thing although no physical contact ever happens. But just from the two sexts, they talk about towns I know and make sense to meet - real towns in our lives. These guys are local. It all seems plausible to me there is more. All I have is her word that she fell upon this site originally and the whole thing became addictive but nothing physical ever happened. Maybe it's true, maybe not. But I just can't reconcile the facts and all of the things that "point" to meeting, and that no physical meeting was ever consummated. And when I ask her, her answers are vague to me.
I've always thought that I could forgive, if after a long marriage, the relationship had gotten away from us, especially something like 'sexting', which can almost be thought of as fantasy/role playing/daydreaming.
But..
The bold^ would keep me awake at night. Is there any chance the texts, emails and voice mails haven't been erased yet?
I've always thought that I could forgive, if after a long marriage, the relationship had gotten away from us, especially something like 'sexting', which can almost be thought of as fantasy/role playing/daydreaming.
But..
The bold^ would keep me awake at night. Is there any chance the texts, emails and voice mails haven't been erased yet?
I don't want to know or find out any more - I'm done looking. The month or so after the first time I found a sext, I spent my time digging to find more. I went through what I could (I'm very good with technology) and found more "evidence". But one morning several days ago I decided I needed to stop torturing myself. Instead of digging and searching, I know the mistrust is already there. Now, all I can do is attempt to communicate with my heart to her and see if there is anything left to uncover, and for her to try to amend my broken trust. Right now, I feel she is failing at that, thus my doubt remains that she might be hiding more.
The sad part about all of this, aside from it happening after 33 years of marriage, is that knowing once a person gets caught up in a lie, they may never tell the truth. So I am stuck making a decision about a person I loved, since now that I've brought out things in the open, is what I've found the absolute truth and there is no more. If what I've uncovered is the entire iceberg, and I decide to end the relationship, am I walking away from something because someone made a mistake and I never forgave and could not repair the trust and doubt. On the other hand, if I believe and forgive and stay, I fear if there is more being hidden from me and somehow it comes out in the future, not only will the hurt I have now come back and be permanent, but I'll be taking more years away from myself.
..is that knowing once a person gets caught up in a lie, they may never tell the truth.
That's what would drive me crazy, cause me to resent her...That's why I asked if the emails etc. were still around..Something that could be used to bring the truth out, for good or bad.
Otherwise there will always be a chance that 'that's her story and she's sticking to it, forgive her or don't'..I think I could forgive cheating before I could forgive..Idk, the dishonesty, the not owning up to it.
Good luck tho'. 33 yrs is a long time, I don't know what I would do.
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