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I feel like I’ve had an epiphany. I’ve been married for only a year and a half and we have a one year old child. Previously, I had two significant, long-term relationships. With this marriage, I was sure that I found the “one” I loved before we were married – she was the only one that I actually strove to be with, considered her to be out of my league, and found her be to extremely respectable – a far cry from my previous settlements.
Throughout the course of this marriage, however, I began to realize how unworkable marriage is in its traditional sense (for us at least). It’s not 1950 anymore and I found myself wondering if I subconsciously considered marriage to resemble something like a bread-winning husband and home-making wife. Ask me up front, and I would quickly tell you that I did not think that. I am a supporter of women’s rights and am happy about their advancement in the career field and the respect they’ve gained. I honestly think the world will be a better place when women take over. That being said, I was wondering if my thought of marriage was so ingrained by culture that my subconscious brain speaks out through my actions.
My wife is a stay-at-home mom, I’ve provided complete, comfortable, financial support and have done a hell of a lot of caretaking (although obviously not as much as her) and have made a tremendous effort to keep up with household chores. I do believe in the egalitarian system of household responsibilities. I actually enjoy them and I also enjoy raising the little one. Yet nothing I have done seems to be enough. Due to our arguments, she has left our household with our child and now stays with her mother.
Our arguments, I slowly realized, were the result of some extremely fundamental viewpoints and thought processes that I still can’t even begin to understand how somebody could think some of these things. What’s odd about it is that I’ve never gotten into arguments with anyone else so intensely about anything. When I say anybody else, I mean outside of a relationship. I had similar arguments with my ex-girlfriends. I feel that when you cross the relationship threshold, then all respect gets thrown out of the window. I do not feel respected in my marriage, even though she thinks she respects me, and although I feel I respect my wife, she has told me that she doesn't feel that way. Fundamentally different viewpoints about the very same experience.
So now I’m thinking that living together and raising a child in a nuclear setting is unworkable in today’s day and age, not only by my own experience but by the ever-increasing divorce rate, and the paradigm shift of independence in our society. My wife and I are still “together”, although we now live separately, but a lot of lust has been lost and I’m not even sure if there was love to begin with, so I’m not certain where things will end up. I currently enjoy this alternative living situation and she’s stated that she does to although we still get into some bad arguments. She has stated that her intention is to stay together but live separately as an ultimate solution. Honestly, I’m just not sure anymore what the benefit of marriage is. I don’t believe in love and I don’t believe in the “one” anymore. I thought I believed that we would retain our individuality but support one another as we age and advance in life but I think she had a different idea of marriage, i.e., you become one and lose all sense of individuality and privacy.
I’m wondering if anybody else is in the same boat or has had similar thoughts or has any insight into my situation. I would love to hear from married people that are 50+ although anybody is welcome to comment. (We are early thirties.) Sorry if this is confusing but it is a subject that I find no certainty in, therefore, feel free to ask me any questions.
Wow...it sounds as though you and your wife had some issue that perhaps should have been discussed before marriage. Or maybe there was something else that led you to believe marriage would be good for you (maybe there was a sense of urgency to BE married?).
I met my husband when I was 36, and we were married when I was 39. I love him more today than I did yesterday and I suspect I will love him so much more as we continue our lives together. I can't imagine my life without him.
Our marriage is not traditional by any means. I am the breadwinner and he is the "stay at home husband". We do not have children, we have dogs (well, only one now, but in the past we had three). He runs errands, does laundry, and generally does things around the house. I work and we do stuff around the house and together often.
In my opinion, marriage is a little of both things you describe - it is both retaining individuality with support and it is becoming one. I don't think either partner should ever really lose their individuality but I think each persons individuality sort of becomes part of a duo...it's hard to explain.
Today's divorce rate seems a symptom of different beliefs and ideas trying to force themselves into a "traditional" view of marriage. Well, that and it's much easier to walk away from a problem than it is to try to solve it.
Marriage and love is not something that happens and just exists because it was once there - it is continual work and effort to keep it alive. It takes both people willing to compromise and work together, committed to the marriage, each other, and their lives together.
I think your feelings of not believing in love or "the one" are a result of your experience with your wife. It sounds like you are having a difficult time in your marriage. Many marriage hit a "rough spot" early on. I think sometimes it's called the "seven year itch" or maybe even a middle age crisis and neither of those has to happen at those specific times - they are simply the names we give it. Maybe things got a little "boring" in your marriage and rather than comfort, it made you both feel unappreciated or unhappy.
Basically it sounds like you both need to decide what you want. If this unique marriage arrangement works for both of you and makes you happy - who is to say it's not "right"? But I'll admit, I'm not sure how a marriage can survive being separated like that.
To me, marriage is the ultimate relationship in my life. I always wanted to be married and was determined that it would not end in divorce (saw enough of that with my parents). So, to that end, I will do everything in my power to keep my marriage together. Some folks don't feel that way.
It's a tough choice you face. What do you both want marriage to be? Can it be that for both of you?
Have you considered marriage/couples counseling?
In the end, I cannot imagine being alone as I grow older (my husband and I are right around 50)...and I'm so very lucky to have someone who feels the same way.
No, after 23 years I haven't stopped believing in marriage.
You can't extrapolate your situation to apply to ALL marriages universally.
It is difficult but not impossible. It's not magic. It takes effort and education and real, actual commitment.
This is it. I wanted to rate you but I couldn't
OP, you are trying to rationalize the mistake of marrying and having a child with someone incompatible to you by creating this idea that all marriages fail so yours is just par for the course. I separated from my wife for a year but now back together so we are savoring it like people who appreciate life after going through near death experiences. This high won't last forever so the real work of commitment has to be ongoing.
But I will be dating longer and not marry somebody if there are red flags all over the place. I think if you date the other person for 3-4 years, live together at least for half of the time, it is kinda safe to marry.
Basically it sounds like you both need to decide what you want. If this unique marriage arrangement works for both of you and makes you happy - who is to say it's not "right"? But I'll admit, I'm not sure how a marriage can survive being separated like that.
I work with three women in their 50's and they were married and living together at one point but now are married, live separately, but still do things together as a married couple. I was wondering too until I found out how hard it was to be under the same roof when there is constant bickering. Wondering if this is unique to our workplace for some reason.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lunetunelover
It's a tough choice you face. What do you both want marriage to be? Can it be that for both of you?
Have you considered marriage/couples counseling?
In the end, I cannot imagine being alone as I grow older (my husband and I are right around 50)...and I'm so very lucky to have someone who feels the same way.
I personally want emotional support and a companion. I don't want to lose my sense of individuality. I basically want to share our lives together instead of making our lives one and the same.
And yes, you're right, I realize now that there were a lot of things that should have been addressed instead of ignored. I feel like I personally ignored some issues simply due to immaturity on my part.
Yes we've tried counseling but nothing came out of it. Maybe we are both too stubborn for it (or maybe it's me.)
Well you two have shown me that this might have to do more with compatibility than other things. Maybe I'm just not compatible with anybody under the traditional marriage/relationship circumstance.
I've been divorced twice. I wont marry again but I still believe in marriage. I do not believe it is healthy to go into marriage with expectations of how things will be. Marriage takes compatibility, effort, communication, flexibility and some sacrifice. If you have two people that can meet this criteria, throw in some love and you will see a good and lasting marriage.
No, after 23 years I haven't stopped believing in marriage.
You can't extrapolate your situation to apply to ALL marriages universally.
It is difficult but not impossible. It's not magic. It takes effort and education and real, actual commitment.
You're right and I should've used better wording. What I was wondering is if my thoughts or situation is truly unique, or if more people are thinking along this mind frame but haven't quite admitted it yet. And I'm not trying to be convincing, I'm only looking for insight so thank you for your response.
I work with three women in their 50's and they were married and living together at one point but now are married, live separately, but still do things together as a married couple. I was wondering too until I found out how hard it was to be under the same roof when there is constant bickering. Wondering if this is unique to our workplace for some reason.
My niece's (by marriage) parents who are late 60-70ish got divorced a few years ago because they just bickered and couldn't get along anymore. Now they live separately and are dating and happy as two peas in a pod.
I've been divorced twice. I wont marry again but I still believe in marriage. I do not believe it is healthy to go into marriage with expectations of how things will be. Marriage takes compatibility, effort, communication, flexibility and some sacrifice. If you have two people that can meet this criteria, throw in some love and you will see a good and lasting marriage.
If you still believe in marriage, why will you not marry again? (If you don't mind me asking.)
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