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I'm almost 30 with no kids. Cancer runs in my family. It was advised that I have my tubes removed by the time I'm 35 to help prevent cancer. My boyfriend and I want to a future together. He has three children from a previous marriage who live in another state. He had his youngest two children to give siblings to his oldest.
I'm glad I never got pregnant with other guys I've dated or been married to, but I've always liked the idea of being a mother.
My boyfriend said it would be fine to have one more child, with me. I always envisioned also having siblings for my children, and that isn't really possible in this situation.
His children live in another state and I thought that he was happiest living here even if that means not seeing his children as often. But then he asked me how would I feel about moving up there. I said in theory I don't mind because it doesn't matter to me where I live, but I would need to get a job there. (I just got a job in my field here.)
He had a vasectomy after his third child, and he's willing to get a reversal so we could have a child. We're not married yet and I'd rather get pregnant after getting married, but these things take time and I have a five year time limit to have children and have my tubes removed.
Should I be grateful that he's willing to have one more child and accept that my child may or may not see his or her stepbrothers often? Should I hope for twins (I know that it's not something I can biologically wish for)? Adoption for him really isn't an option because he already feels guilty about not being with his children often; he said he doesn't want to bring another child in and make his children I guess jealous...?
Part of me is heartbroken that I have such a short amount of time (I just found out yesterday about the 5 year thing), and that he'd only want one with me.
How do I accept all of this and not feel selfish? Should I just be grateful to have a great boyfriend and be grateful that he's willing to have one child with me? Any advice is appreciated.
Last edited by t1nkerbell24; 01-13-2015 at 07:44 AM..
Reason: Clarification
Youd have a short amount of time regardless of risk for cancer. Women only have until mid-thirties, preferably, to safely have children. After 30, Ive read the risk of the child developing autism increases along with other developmental problems. On top of that, do you prefer to be 40 years older than your first born child? I dont. Some do. To each their own.
Im 30 now and turning 31 in June. Im in a complete panic mode that my time is running out and I dont even have marriageable prospect for a bouffiend, much less husband/father to my future children. Ive always envied how men can dick around and play their entire lives because they have no biological impetus to marry and build a safe nest by a certain time.
Youd have a short amount of time regardless of risk for cancer. Women only have until mid-thirties, preferably, to safely have children. After 30, Ive read the risk of the child developing autism increases along with other developmental problems. On top of that, do you prefer to be 40 years older than your first born child? I dont. Some do. To each their own.
Im 30 now and turning 31 in June. Im in a complete panic mode that my time is running out and I dont even have marriageable prospect for a bouffiend, much less husband/father to my future children. Ive always envied how men can dick around and play their entire lives because they have no biological impetus to marry and build a safe nest by a certain time.
Whatever you choose to do, good luck with it.
Eh?
Women can safely have kids past the age of 35.
OP?
You're overthinking this. Get married and have a kid. Or not. Don't worry about the siblings issue.
Also, you don't know if a reversal will work for him, so there's that.
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I'm almost 30 with no kids. Cancer runs in my family. It was advised that I have my tubes removed by the time I'm 35 to help prevent cancer. My boyfriend and I want to a future together. He has three children from a previous marriage who live in another state. He had his youngest two children to give siblings to his oldest.
I'm glad I never got pregnant with other guys I've dated or been married to, but I've always liked the idea of being a mother.
My boyfriend said it would be fine to have one more child, with me. I always envisioned also having siblings for my children, and that isn't really possible in this situation.
His children live in another state and I thought that he was happiest living here even if that means not seeing his children as often. But then he asked me how would I feel about moving up there. I said in theory I don't mind because it doesn't matter to me where I live, but I would need to get a job there. (I just got a job in my field here.)
He had a vasectomy after his third child, and he's willing to get a reversal so we could have a child. We're not married yet and I'd rather get pregnant after getting married, but these things take time and I have a five year time limit to have children and have my tubes removed.
Should I be grateful that he's willing to have one more child and accept that my child may or may not see his or her stepbrothers often? Should I hope for twins (I know that it's not something I can biologically wish for)? Adoption for him really isn't an option because he already feels guilty about not being with his children often; he said he doesn't want to bring another child in and make his children I guess jealous...?
Part of me is heartbroken that I have such a short amount of time (I just found out yesterday about the 5 year thing), and that he'd only want one with me.
How do I accept all of this and not feel selfish? Should I just be grateful to have a great boyfriend and be grateful that he's willing to have one child with me? Any advice is appreciated.
I'm on the side of selfish. In my opinion, it is not fair to bring a child into this world at all when they don't have a say. It is the most selfish act anyone can do. It's not like this world is such a great place; it's not. But just because you want to be a mom? Nope. Be a mom to his kids.
You're overthinking this. Get married and have a kid. Or not. Don't worry about the siblings issue.
Also, you don't know if a reversal will work for him, so there's that.
Just because it can be done doesnt mean it should deliberately be done. The chances of the baby having complications and developmental problems increases the older the mother is at birth. I wouldnt wait until past 35 to have my first born if I could help it. Sure I might be fine, but my priority is with the well being of the child. Fertility issues may also become a problem with many women waiting so long.
Just because it can be done doesnt mean it should deliberately be done. The chances of the baby having complications and developmental problems increases the older the mother is at birth. I wouldnt wait until past 35 to have my first born if I could help it. Sure I might be fine, but my priority is with the well being of the child. Fertility issues may also become a problem with many women waiting so long.
I'm 31. I always thought I would have kids by now, but I don't. Sometimes I hear the ticking of the clock, but I always tell it to shut up. You can plan all you want, but for some people they are later in life before ready to have children and there's nothing wrong with that. People have kids in their late 30's. Sometimes people in their 20's have children with developmental problems. There's never any guarantee of anything. I probably wouldn't be 45 trying to have a biological children, but 35 is not a cut off age IMO. I'll adopt if I want kids and find out I "waited too long."
I'm almost 30 with no kids. Cancer runs in my family. It was advised that I have my tubes removed by the time I'm 35 to help prevent cancer. My boyfriend and I want to a future together. He has three children from a previous marriage who live in another state. He had his youngest two children to give siblings to his oldest.
I'm glad I never got pregnant with other guys I've dated or been married to, but I've always liked the idea of being a mother.
My boyfriend said it would be fine to have one more child, with me. I always envisioned also having siblings for my children, and that isn't really possible in this situation.
His children live in another state and I thought that he was happiest living here even if that means not seeing his children as often. But then he asked me how would I feel about moving up there. I said in theory I don't mind because it doesn't matter to me where I live, but I would need to get a job there. (I just got a job in my field here.)
He had a vasectomy after his third child, and he's willing to get a reversal so we could have a child. We're not married yet and I'd rather get pregnant after getting married, but these things take time and I have a five year time limit to have children and have my tubes removed.
Should I be grateful that he's willing to have one more child and accept that my child may or may not see his or her stepbrothers often? Should I hope for twins (I know that it's not something I can biologically wish for)? Adoption for him really isn't an option because he already feels guilty about not being with his children often; he said he doesn't want to bring another child in and make his children I guess jealous...?
Part of me is heartbroken that I have such a short amount of time (I just found out yesterday about the 5 year thing), and that he'd only want one with me.
How do I accept all of this and not feel selfish? Should I just be grateful to have a great boyfriend and be grateful that he's willing to have one child with me? Any advice is appreciated.
Quote:
Originally Posted by strawberrykiki
I'm 31. I always thought I would have kids by now, but I don't. Sometimes I hear the ticking of the clock, but I always tell it to shut up. You can plan all you want, but for some people they are later in life before ready to have children and there's nothing wrong with that. People have kids in their late 30's. Sometimes people in their 20's have children with developmental problems. There's never any guarantee of anything. I probably wouldn't be 45 trying to have a biological children, but 35 is not a cut off age IMO. I'll adopt if I want kids and find out I "waited too long."
I'm on the side of selfish. In my opinion, it is not fair to bring a child into this world at all when they don't have a say. It is the most selfish act anyone can do. It's not like this world is such a great place; it's not. But just because you want to be a mom? Nope. Be a mom to his kids.
Youd have a short amount of time regardless of risk for cancer. Women only have until mid-thirties, preferably, to safely have children. After 30, Ive read the risk of the child developing autism increases along with other developmental problems. On top of that, do you prefer to be 40 years older than your first born child? I dont. Some do. To each their own.
Im 30 now and turning 31 in June. Im in a complete panic mode that my time is running out and I dont even have marriageable prospect for a bouffiend, much less husband/father to my future children. Ive always envied how men can dick around and play their entire lives because they have no biological impetus to marry and build a safe nest by a certain time.
Whatever you choose to do, good luck with it.
Yiuppy: I've noticed that you tend to provide very questionable advice that often reflects a projection of your own angst. After 30 years, the risk of autism does not significantly increase with the age of the woman. There was a dubious Danish study in 2010 that suggested a ~7% increase but subsequent large trials done in the US have not been able to support this assertion. Rather, increased risk of autism has been consistently noted with increased paternal age (40+). Perhaps you meant Down's syndrome?
Please don't feel like I am targeting you specifically but before you give advice, try to do some research so as not to mislead others.
OP: The best advice I can give you is to discuss your options with an Obstetrician/Gynecologist. Your situation is very complicated both from a medical standpoint as well as an emotional/psychosocial standpoint. Given your family history of cancer, you may also benefit from genetic counseling.
All the best.
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