Her Ex is Still Controlling Her. What to do? (dating, woman, single)
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Me and this wonderful girl have been dating for three months (I'm 27, she's 22). She recently broke up with her BF who was living with her. The first month was bliss, incredibly intimate without sex. We had one night where it got close because we were drunk at my place, but she didn't let it happen (I'm grateful). A couple days later she tells me her ex tried to commit suicide and blamed it on her. He is her HS sweetheart, they were together for two years, broke up, and when she moved back, he sort of just moved in with her.
It's obvious that she and I started at the wrong time. She hadn't been single more than a month, and his stuff was still in the apartment. But now it feels like what we had is gone. We still see one another every week (or try to). She can't trust people, and has a hard time trusting me even though I've never given her cause not to. The only issue I've made is that I've pushed to spend time at her place (since I live with my folks, and would rather just hangout than go out all the time) more than once; she's told me she's not comfortable with that.
I know she still has feelings for me, and isn't seeing anyone else, but I feel like she's closing off herself because she's afraid of something. It could be my attachment level, it could be that she's afraid to lose me if we get too close, or she's not ready, but in all of these circumstances, she is still leaving me hanging.
I've also found out her Ex is still in contact with her (she doesn't know I know). A mutual friend tells me there's no chance because her parents hate him, but I don't really know. He's still controlling her, and I don't think there's room in her heart for both of us right now. I would wait for her forever, but that's not fair to either of us. What can I do? I've not been texting her these last couple days, and giving her some space, but it's sort of out of the blue and I'm hoping it's not upsetting her. Is there something else I can do?
Me and this wonderful girl have been dating for three months (I'm 27, she's 22). She recently broke up with her BF who was living with her. The first month was bliss, incredibly intimate without sex. We had one night where it got close because we were drunk at my place, but she didn't let it happen (I'm grateful). A couple days later she tells me her ex tried to commit suicide and blamed it on her. He is her HS sweetheart, they were together for two years, broke up, and when she moved back, he sort of just moved in with her.
It's obvious that she and I started at the wrong time. She hadn't been single more than a month, and his stuff was still in the apartment. But now it feels like what we had is gone. We still see one another every week (or try to). She can't trust people, and has a hard time trusting me even though I've never given her cause not to. The only issue I've made is that I've pushed to spend time at her place (since I live with my folks, and would rather just hangout than go out all the time) more than once; she's told me she's not comfortable with that.
I know she still has feelings for me, and isn't seeing anyone else, but I feel like she's closing off herself because she's afraid of something. It could be my attachment level, it could be that she's afraid to lose me if we get too close, or she's not ready, but in all of these circumstances, she is still leaving me hanging.
I've also found out her Ex is still in contact with her (she doesn't know I know). A mutual friend tells me there's no chance because her parents hate him, but I don't really know. He's still controlling her, and I don't think there's room in her heart for both of us right now. I would wait for her forever, but that's not fair to either of us. What can I do? I've not been texting her these last couple days, and giving her some space, but it's sort of out of the blue and I'm hoping it's not upsetting her. Is there something else I can do?
If you care about her, you should do her a favor and let her off the hook. She's very young and she's not ready to go from one relationship to another. As an older guy, you should recognize this and do the right thing as she's likely confused right now.
I would sincerely suggest she speak with the ex's therapist and discuss her return. The therapist will be able to offer support to the ex should she leave again. Blaming his attempted suicide on her is manipulation and control.
As a friend, give her something to think about. She may not be safe in this relationship.
Yes, have a sit down talk with her to acknowledge that you know she's not ready for a relationship and break things off. You don't want to be a witness to all of the drama that will play out.
If you do that you'll be putting her on notice that you're not going to be the rebound guy or the placeholder. If you want her trust and respect, draw the boundary and let her go.
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