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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NewbiePoster
Why is it different long term than short term? All long-term is, is a lot of short-term strung together. Some kind of other factors don't come into play out of nowhere, just because time marches on. Some of the people you listed have relationships, but they're not necessarily satisfying or compatible. Just because someone has trouble finding a relationship doesn't mean they should decide to go for someone incompatible, or less intelligent, or a difficult personality, just for the sake of having a relationship. I don't think it's all that simple.
The long term is different because you can adjust, and change; both oneself, what one is looking for, and expectations over 20 years or so (which is the time frame we're speaking about).
If someone won't do so over 20 years, then yes, it is almost always a decision (a decision not to adjust/change: not to move, not to improve oneself, not to change their body type, not do alter what they're looking for in order to actually have a relationship... those are all choices. I'm not saying if they're good or bad ones, that is a separate discussion). There may be rare exceptions.
20? No problem. Even 25. But after that, we're dealing with either some serious neuroticism or a complete inability to learn. Those people typically flock to CD message boards and pose the same ridiculous question 73 different ways.
I usually agree with what you say, but there are definitely a lot of late bloomers. I never dated till I was nearly 28. I'm doing just fine now. Once someone really finds out who they are and have corrected their behavior, the past shouldn't hold any significance. IMO.
Shyness isn't something where you can deep breath and go for it, it literally takes years to get it over it. I'm still shy, but not many people can tell anymore.
Last edited by MarshallV84; 03-05-2015 at 11:20 AM..
Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
4,375 posts, read 4,074,576 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NewbiePoster
This. OP, I guess your friend thinks everyone's attractive enough to get and hold the attention of the opposite sex. Finding a partner isn't just about putting yourself out there. There's a certain amount of luck involved. For those who aren't conventionally attractive, more luck is needed. Your friend lives in a simplistic world, and my guess is she doesn't have much empathy for people.
I definitely agree. Well said, sir.
I myself am a 37 year old virgin who has never been in a relationship or kissed anyone or seen a naked woman in real life. I've met several people who I would consider to be "right" for me, but they didn't feel the same about me. That's just the way the ball bounces sometimes. It's depressing but it is the reality I have to face.
Right now there are practical impediments preventing me from being with someone, so if someone expressed interest right now, I would probably have to turn them down, but the long term reasons are that I'm ugly and I'm "nice, but...".
The long term is different because you can adjust, and change; both oneself, what one is looking for, and expectations over 20 years or so (which is the time frame we're speaking about).
If someone won't do so over 20 years, then yes, it is almost always a decision (a decision not to adjust/change: not to move, not to improve oneself, not to change their body type, not do alter what they're looking for in order to actually have a relationship... those are all choices. I'm not saying if they're good or bad ones, that is a separate discussion). There may be rare exceptions.
You can do all of those things and still be unattractive to the opposite sex. There is no universal panacea.
I myself am a 37 year old virgin who has never been in a relationship or kissed anyone or seen a naked woman in real life. I've met several people who I would consider to be "right" for me, but they didn't feel the same about me. That's just the way the ball bounces sometimes. It's depressing but it is the reality I have to face.
Right now there are practical impediments preventing me from being with someone, so if someone expressed interest right now, I would probably have to turn them down, but the long term reasons are that I'm ugly and I'm "nice, but...".
I am similar to you and I have realized over the years that not everyone gets everything they want out of life. But that's life. You and I understand that but others will not.
The long term is different because you can adjust, and change; both oneself, what one is looking for, and expectations over 20 years or so (which is the time frame we're speaking about).
If someone won't do so over 20 years, then yes, it is almost always a decision (a decision not to adjust/change: not to move, not to improve oneself, not to change their body type, not do alter what they're looking for in order to actually have a relationship... those are all choices. I'm not saying if they're good or bad ones, that is a separate discussion). There may be rare exceptions.
My point was that some people do improve themselves, work on their personality, etc., but it still doesn't happen. Some people are able to overcome their limitations, and for others, in spite of their best efforts, that luck factor doesn't happen.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,012,374 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jma501
You can do all of those things and still be unattractive to the opposite sex. There is no universal panacea.
You can, but that's not relevant. I'm not attractive to the opposite sex. I don't need to be. I have to be attractive or desired by one person, not an entire gender.
You can, but that's not relevant. I'm not attractive to the opposite sex. I don't need to be. I have to be attractive or desired by one person, not an entire gender.
What if you aren't even attractive to one person then? This is me by the way and there is nothing wrong with me. When I said the opposite sex I didn't mean the whole gender literally.
I agree with the premise. If you haven't got your act together by the time you're 35 then there's something wrong with you. Most people by that age have at least one long term relationship under their belt. If you haven't then you're either very abhorrent to the opposite sex, lazy, completely hapless or you have major psychological issues that prevent you developing a closeness to your preferred gender. Of course there will be the odd exception to this rule but in my opinion you have missed out on one of the essential milestones of human development.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,012,374 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by jma501
What if you aren't even attractive to one person then? This is me by the way and there is nothing wrong with me. When I said the opposite sex I didn't mean the whole gender literally.
I don't believe you've done all you can, do to be the best you can be (mentally, physically, and personality wise) and you're still unattractive as a person to zero people in 20 years where you could be dating. Sorry. Just not buying it. A lot of this is attitude and negativity, and that is a choice.
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