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I'm not sure you read the OP carefully. If she's going on trips with him, doing things together and the 'sex is off the charts' and that doesn't qualify as an affair, what exactly does? I mean, she's using the present tense to describe her goings-on with the guy. It is not something that happened in her past.
The other problem is that we really don't know what the situation truly is. We're hearing her side of the story which is second-hand at best. She might be telling us precisely her understanding of this, but grownups know there are three sides to every divorce story: His, Hers, and the Truth.
I mean, we had a friend who went through this very thing. According to the man, his wife was the embodiment of human evil, a shrewish harpy who lay awake at night ginning up new ways to make his life miserable. As it turns out, she learned through mutual friends that the unsuspecting wife was doing none of those things. Instead, everything he told her was an elaborate fiction and that he was actually banging more than one mistress.
Further, if the couple is going through a divorce, staying involved only serves to muddy the water. Hey, it worked for you. But it means you might have just been lucky. I've seen instances of people waiting out a divorce, only to find out that the person they were waiting on had designs on someone else. Hell, my aunt had a thirty-five year affair with a man. When my uncle died, her lover thought that, at long last, she'd marry him. Nope. She turned around and married a guy she went to high school with.
I'm not being harsh to be mean. I'm being harsh to help provide clarity. The odds of this working out in her favor are slim.
Sounds like a relationship. Which, when had between two people who are free to see one another (no law against a separated person who is in the process of divorcing having a relationship).
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This forum is starting to make me really hate the phrase "red flag."
Seriously just follow your heart. And your gut. Spend some time thinking about it all. Write down pros and cons, do whatever it takes to really chew over the facts and feelings.
Fact is, NO ONE IS PERFECT. Everyone's got baggage, issues, stuff. The key is finding someone whose stuff you believe you can cope with and whose positives make it all worthwhile. Only you can say if that is the case. My Mom used to tell me she could never deal with the stuff my husband puts me through and has no idea how I cope. Well, it happens that I could never deal with the stuff her guys have put her through and would not have wanted any of them for 5 minutes. Different people, different stuff.
But there is nothing wrong with taking the time to make sure that it's right.
Speaking of phrases to hate, this is numero uno for me.
To be sure, no one is perfect. But there is a resounding difference between having a personality flaw or making a mistake or saying the wrong thing and continuously stepping out on your spouse.
For that's not a mistake or an accident. Instead, it requires planning, lying, and constant scan of the horizon for new opportunities that ultimately erode the foundation of commitment and trust.
So, yeah. Everyone's got baggage. But some people have steamer trunks.
Sounds like a relationship. Which, when had between two people who are free to see one another (no law against a separated person who is in the process of divorcing having a relationship).
Is he legally separated, or did he just move out?
Until a divorce decree is issued, he is still legally married, and in some states having sex with anyone other than your spouse is illegal.
Sounds like a relationship. Which, when had between two people who are free to see one another (no law against a separated person who is in the process of divorcing having a relationship).
No. It's not a relationship. It's an affair. Tell you what. Let's subject it to a litmus test.
Is he seeing her in open, with the full knowledge of his friends and family?
Is he lying to his wife in order to see her?
Is he spending the bulk of his nights, weekends, and holidays with her?
Is he doing the difficult business of a relationship with her, such as paying the bills or doing chores around the house?
Is he talking about the future with her in ways that lead her to believe there is a long-term foundation of mutual trust?
If the answer to any of these is 'No,' then this is not a relationship. It is two people just getting sex on the side, no matter how much you dignify it. I'm not sure you can classify it otherwise.
Speaking of phrases to hate, this is numero uno for me.
To be sure. No one is perfect. But there is a resounding difference between having a personality flaw or making a mistake or saying the wrong thing and continuously stepping out on your spouse.
For that's not a mistake or an accident. Instead, it requires planning, lying, and constant scan of the horizon for new opportunities that ultimately erode the foundation of commitment and trust.
So, yeah. Everyone's got baggage. But some people have steamer trunks.
Aye...but I don't know, I feel like there is the question of whether the marriage was functionally over, to the point where the wife always knew about the other person, as opposed to the sneaking and lying stuff.
But then I'm also not really invested in the concept of marriage for its own sake.
Family on the other hand... Frankly, love or no love, I have put a good face on things for the sake of my FAMILY (which by necessity includes kids) and done right by the marriage whether I wanted to or not.
But a man and a woman, well they are grown adults, and you fall in, out, around love...it's human stuff, it's messy, it's complicated. Things happen. Is "nobody's perfect" an excuse or license to willfully do wrong and then shrug off accountability? NO. Of course not. I'm just saying that every human being does have their own imperfections of some kind. One must decide one's own tolerance for these things.
When my husband and I first got together, he was still married (badly, unhappily, and sans children) to his 2nd wife. Their marriage was definitely drawing to a close and I think she was just as DONE as he was. Rather, I know she was. I think she was happy to find someone to take him off her hands, actually. He fooled around on her, with me. But he hasn't fooled around on me since, and I know this beyond all the shadows of all the doubts. Oddly, you know, I wouldn't really mind that much if he had. *shrug*
I'm just saying I don't feel like we live in a world of absolute rules, absolute values, and 100% predictable outcomes. Not every set of people with similar circumstances will wind up in the same place, down the road.
The OP sounds like she's a little too emotionally invested to want to walk away. I think that she should back way way off, probably just end it til he can get his affairs in order. No offense to the OP, but his priorities need to be his kid first and getting his life back together.
If she backs away it might makes things easier for him to deal with and focus on.
Here's the kicker: the timing. He has been separated from his wife for 8 months (where he had a lot of alone time to work on himself apparently, which is a plus), and they have a son. Their son just turned two. The marriage was apparently 'over' for years, and they mutually agreed to divorce. He told me this on the first date,
This guy is full of crap. He has probably been cheating on his wife for years, thus his wife knew nothing about their marriage being over, otherwise it wouldn't have resulted in a two-year old child. Him telling you this junk on the first date makes it sound like this guy is a player.
He is not feeding me any BS. They apparently tried to 'save' their marriage by having a kid, which was clearly a disaster. He agrees that was foolish, but he loves his son, as he should, and is trying to make the best of the situation now and put their child first.
I agree, it seems a bit crazy. But his ex-wife also sounds very dramatic and manipulative. It sounds like she pushed it - the marriage, the kid, etc. People do crazy things, andhe is being very open and honest with me about all of it.
This is part one of the part of BS he is feeding you.
I didn't read the rest of the novella.
According to him, you have no idea how she is with him or anyone else unless you personally know her.
Part two of potential BS he is feeding you.
Of course "he is being very open and honest with you about all of it" as far as telling you what you want to hear.
Part three of BS he is feeding you.
Should I read the rest and find more parts of BS he is feeding you?
You've already been hit by this train wreck and you don't even realize it.
The OP sounds like she's a little too emotionally invested to want to walk away. I think that she should back way way off, probably just end it til he can get his affairs in order. No offense to the OP, but his priorities need to be his kid first and getting his life back together.
If she backs away it might makes things easier for him to deal with and focus on.
Fact is, NO ONE IS PERFECT. Everyone's got baggage, issues, stuff. right.
Yep, but not everyone's stuff involves hem being still legally married.
I'm not echoing a previous poster, and saying, "Yeah, right, they're not actually going to get divorced, good luck with that," but I am saying that starting a relationship with somebody who's still entangled in ending a different relationship isn't the most stable ground for a fresh start.
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