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Long-married guy here but had a work conversation about this.
The discussion was that, while men are generally the pursuers, there are women who will pursue a man, however, there are only certain types of men that women will have a crush on, or chase after, without him having to make any real effort to win her over.
Meaning, that the vast majority of men, who aren't particularly charming or good looking, while they can definitely "get" women, they simply do not have the traits to get women to pursue them, even women who actually will pursue a man.
Whereas, almost any woman has been pursued by SOME man in her life (whether he's desireable is another subject).
Do you find this to be true?
Take me for example. I know my wife finds me attractive, she loves me, even initiates sex a good deal. However, I had to make the first move and pursue her first to "win her over" and even she says this. So a small part of me always feels like I "created" attraction, and, my brain compares it to being a house, versus a mountain. The house was built, and is nice, but can be destroyed much more easily than a mountain, which is a natural wonder. I'm a house, the guys I describe above are "mountains". So in some small way, I always feel I have to continually work a lot harder to keep my wife attracted to me than the other way around. I haven't had any real problems, but I still think about that. I also think about the fact that I look nothing like, nor do I have the personality of, some of her celebrity crushes.
Yet most of my celeb crushes are at least superficially similar to my wife - brunettes with quirky personalities.
A friend of my wife's is another example. She has a boyfriend she loves and wants to be with, yet, she never had a "crush" on him beforehand, he had to pursue her. Yet she's talked about other men (before the current boyfriend) who were better looking and better "'put together", more charming, etc. than her boyfriend, who she had a "crush" on but never pursued. So therefore, I wonder if these women are never quite as sexually attracted to men who had to win them over, versus the ones they just had a crush on out of the blue.
This sounds like stereotyping. A friend of mine who's shy and very average-looking leaning toward below-average, was pursued by a good-looking, sweet woman who was really taken by him. She was looking for a solid, steady dude and had marriage in mind. He was taken by surprise, and didn't understand she was into him, at first, like she kind of hit him out of left field. But it worked out well, they're married now.
I can relate, cuz I'm like you, OP: quirky personalities, and down-to-earth types. So there's no accounting for preferences; there are as many preferences as there are human beings on the earth. Women do pursue the average Joe types.
And to answer another question, no, I wouldn't agree that every woman has been pursued by somebody, whether he appealed to her or not. It's weird, but some attractive women don't get attention from guys. My buddy's wife never got any attention in HS or college. And then there are the plain women, who only get noticed once in a blue moon. People's experience is all over the place and can't be pigeonholed.
I am not sure enough people fit into this kind of box to really push it. My wife pursued me, but I cannot say I have been pursued by tons of women or that I have some "it" factor to make me more likely to be pursued than the next guy.
There is no blanket statement that can be made when it comes to dating because everyone is different. All the guys I have liked or admired they were all VERY different from one another. So there I have no specific type that all fall for. I can only speak for myself.
As far as men pursuing me...I get hit on every now and then but not by men I am interested in. Everything just "depends" when it comes to dating and romance. People like what they like.
Long-married guy here but had a work conversation about this.
The discussion was that, while men are generally the pursuers, there are women who will pursue a man, however, there are only certain types of men that women will have a crush on, or chase after, without him having to make any real effort to win her over.
Meaning, that the vast majority of men, who aren't particularly charming or good looking, while they can definitely "get" women, they simply do not have the traits to get women to pursue them, even women who actually will pursue a man.
Whereas, almost any woman has been pursued by SOME man in her life (whether he's desireable is another subject).
Do you find this to be true?
Take me for example. I know my wife finds me attractive, she loves me, even initiates sex a good deal. However, I had to make the first move and pursue her first to "win her over" and even she says this. So a small part of me always feels like I "created" attraction, and, my brain compares it to being a house, versus a mountain. The house was built, and is nice, but can be destroyed much more easily than a mountain, which is a natural wonder. I'm a house, the guys I describe above are "mountains". So in some small way, I always feel I have to continually work a lot harder to keep my wife attracted to me than the other way around. I haven't had any real problems, but I still think about that. I also think about the fact that I look nothing like, nor do I have the personality of, some of her celebrity crushes.
Yet most of my celeb crushes are at least superficially similar to my wife - brunettes with quirky personalities.
A friend of my wife's is another example. She has a boyfriend she loves and wants to be with, yet, she never had a "crush" on him beforehand, he had to pursue her. Yet she's talked about other men (before the current boyfriend) who were better looking and better "'put together", more charming, etc. than her boyfriend, who she had a "crush" on but never pursued. So therefore, I wonder if these women are never quite as sexually attracted to men who had to win them over, versus the ones they just had a crush on out of the blue.
I can't speak for all women, but I've personally never really been into a guy that I didn't have those "crush" feelings for. I've dated them and felt nothing besides "he's cool" but I wasn't emotionally invested.
So there's no accounting for preferences; there are as many preferences as there are human beings on the earth.
This sums it up, OP. I've seen women go after guys who weren't good-looking. because the woman saw something deeper in the guy. Or just because quirky looks appeal to some personality types. People who want to simplify attraction into simple formulas aren't taking into account the complexities of human psychology.
The joke is that I chased my husband until he caught me, and that's pretty much the truth of the matter. He was a catch, but I don't think many of my peers realized as much until it was too late.
I had major self-esteem issues in my youth. Now, at 42, I hide it well, but sometimes, still suffer from it. I guess I have a hard time understanding why a woman would be attracted to me. I'm awkward, often second-guess myself, I'm overly apologetic, I'm rather short (my wife is several inches taller than me), and I'm only average looking at best. Yet my wife is a gorgeous, tall drink of water, albeit, she's a bit awkward and geeky herself, and can't seem to get enough of me. It's awesome, but doesn't seem logical to my mind.
I had major self-esteem issues in my youth. Now, at 42, I hide it well, but sometimes, still suffer from it. I guess I have a hard time understanding why a woman would be attracted to me. I'm awkward, often second-guess myself, I'm overly apologetic, I'm rather short (my wife is several inches taller than me), and I'm only average looking at best. Yet my wife is a gorgeous, tall drink of water, albeit, she's a bit awkward and geeky herself, and can't seem to get enough of me. It's awesome, but doesn't seem logical to my mind.
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