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He's 29 and I'm 25. Originally tonight I had plans with friends that ended up falling through, and he had plans to meet up with a female friend that I've hung out with before with him. They were meeting up at a bar where some other friends (some of which we both don't know) were going. Anyway, when my plans fell through I just assumed I'd join in with him (mistake) because we usually hangout Saturday nights anyways and I didn't think it was a big deal. He's never expressed concerns in the past about wanting space or things like that, and he does get alone time with other friends and his family quite often. I really am shocked at the moment.
After I got out of the shower he mentioned he wanted to do something "when he got home" and I immediately realized he didn't want me going with him and got a little sad because I had no other plans tonight. Then he became extremely defensive, saying he didn't understand why I always needed to tag along and that he doesn't have any independence. I was really hurt by what he said and told him I at least expected an offer for an invite since a lot of people we're going. He said twice that he didn't want me there and that's why he didn't invite me. Then he said "so what, now I have to have you tag along with everything I do forever!?" and that's when I walked out.
I just feel like this gathering isn't really worth the fight/mean words and I don't know why he can't just talk to me if he's really feeling this way. He's usually really including. Now I'm hurt, but maybe I am overbearing. I didn't mean to be. Where do I go from here?
... but maybe I am overbearing. I didn't mean to be. Where do I go from here?
Well, you can look at your behavior patterns and see if he has a reason to lash out like that. His reaction was a little extreme.
Suspicious people might say that the reason he didn't want you to come is because he is into the female friend, and that the "group" supposedly coming was not actually gonna materialize.
He's 29 and I'm 25. Originally tonight I had plans with friends that ended up falling through, and he had plans to meet up with a female friend that I've hung out with before with him. They were meeting up at a bar where some other friends (some of which we both don't know) were going. Anyway, when my plans fell through I just assumed I'd join in with him (mistake) because we usually hangout Saturday nights anyways and I didn't think it was a big deal. He's never expressed concerns in the past about wanting space or things like that, and he does get alone time with other friends and his family quite often. I really am shocked at the moment.
After I got out of the shower he mentioned he wanted to do something "when he got home" and I immediately realized he didn't want me going with him and got a little sad because I had no other plans tonight. Then he became extremely defensive, saying he didn't understand why I always needed to tag along and that he doesn't have any independence. I was really hurt by what he said and told him I at least expected an offer for an invite since a lot of people we're going. He said twice that he didn't want me there and that's why he didn't invite me. Then he said "so what, now I have to have you tag along with everything I do forever!?" and that's when I walked out.
I just feel like this gathering isn't really worth the fight/mean words and I don't know why he can't just talk to me if he's really feeling this way. He's usually really including. Now I'm hurt, but maybe I am overbearing. I didn't mean to be. Where do I go from here?
Cut him loose. He told you that he wants to be alone on a date with another girl and you're not invited. That's how I see it. Give him his independence and you go find yours. See how he reacts when you want to go out with another man and he's not invited.
He's 29 and I'm 25. Originally tonight I had plans with friends that ended up falling through, and he had plans to meet up with a female friend that I've hung out with before with him. They were meeting up at a bar where some other friends (some of which we both don't know) were going. Anyway, when my plans fell through I just assumed I'd join in with him (mistake) because we usually hangout Saturday nights anyways and I didn't think it was a big deal. He's never expressed concerns in the past about wanting space or things like that, and he does get alone time with other friends and his family quite often. I really am shocked at the moment.
After I got out of the shower he mentioned he wanted to do something "when he got home" and I immediately realized he didn't want me going with him and got a little sad because I had no other plans tonight. Then he became extremely defensive, saying he didn't understand why I always needed to tag along and that he doesn't have any independence. I was really hurt by what he said and told him I at least expected an offer for an invite since a lot of people we're going. He said twice that he didn't want me there and that's why he didn't invite me. Then he said "so what, now I have to have you tag along with everything I do forever!?" and that's when I walked out.
I just feel like this gathering isn't really worth the fight/mean words and I don't know why he can't just talk to me if he's really feeling this way. He's usually really including. Now I'm hurt, but maybe I am overbearing. I didn't mean to be. Where do I go from here?
Ask him what all the fuss was about, why the anger? Because he's usually very inclusive, so it never crossed your mind that he wouldn't want you to go along. Ask him why he made a big thing out of it. Tell him what you told us; that his over-the-top reaction caught you really by surprise, leaving you stunned.
And if he uses words like "you always..." in his response, calmly tell him that's not true. In fact, the truth is that in the past, he's been happy to have you come along. If he uses that mean tone, and those exaggerations "now I have to have you tag along with everything I do forever", ask him why he's doing that, instead of talking with you calmly and rationally. This is about this one time, it has nothing to do with "always and forever". Ask him what's up with the sudden defensiveness and meanness.
Ask him what all the fuss was about, why the anger? Because he's usually very inclusive, so it never crossed your mind that he wouldn't want you to go along. Ask him why he made a big thing out of it. Tell him what you told us; that his over-the-top reaction caught you really by surprise, leaving you stunned.
And if he uses words like "you always..." in his response, calmly tell him that's not true. In fact, the truth is that in the past, he's been happy to have you come along. If he uses that mean tone, and those exaggerations "now I have to have you tag along with everything I do forever", ask him why he's doing that, instead of talking with you calmly and rationally. This is about this one time, it has nothing to do with "always and forever". Ask him what's up with the sudden defensiveness and meanness.
Thanks that's good advice. I don't really want to talk to him tonight, and he hasn't even left yet even though he said he was leaving 30 minutes ago. I'm really annoyed with him.
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His reaction was a little extreme.