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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hawaiiancoconut
I'm a very understanding and forgiving person. All the women I've been in love with were good women; some just not faithful. That doesn't mean I don't respect or never cared about them as a human. As one member posted, "it's choice" who we want in our lives as friends.
The key word was "any". Certainly not all of your exes cheated on you, I would hope!
I'm a very understanding and forgiving person. All the women I've been in love with were good women; some just not faithful. That doesn't mean I don't respect or never cared about them as a human. As one member posted, "it's choice" who we want in our lives as friends.
My thinking is that if a guy disrespects me in a relationship, he's not going to be any better to me as a friend.
And if he did treat me better as a friend, then I'd know he's some kind of misogynist that sees the women he partners with as somehow less than. At the very least, it's some weird, "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me" mentality, where he loses respect for women who date him. Either way, once an issue like that comes up--and cheating is the ultimate disrespect aside from abuse--there's really no going back to the warm sentiment required of friendship.
My thinking is that if a guy disrespects me in a relationship, he's not going to be any better to me as a friend.
I think this is fair. Somebody who is okay with lying to me and hurting me within one context is quite likely okay with doing so in another. Is it a risk worth taking? Nah, not for me. I don't tolerate cruel and disrespectful behavior in friends, and I sure wouldn't tolerate it in a would-be ex-turned-friend.
I concur that it doesn't get much more blatantly disrespectful than cheating on someone.
The thing is - every relationship is different and every ending is different, too. I'm still close friends with my ex because we were close friends before. Nothing bad happened in our relationship that made us break up. We were simply better friends than lovers. We were young when we started dating and simply came to realize that we just weren't right for each other. We took a few months to adjust and then slowly started talking and hanging out again. If someone had hurt me or disrespected me - I wouldn't want them in my life. I'm fortunate that my exes were all good people with good intentions, we just weren't right for each other. Not everyone has had these same experiences. I don't blame people for not being friends with their exes - but I also don't think it's wrong to be friends with an ex.
Life and my current realtionship don't allow me to spend much time with any one of them all that much and honestly We all have our own things going on, we would all rather spend what free time we do have with our families
The one ex who I don't engage with on any level is one who has made it clear they still have other desires in maintaining some form of relationship together. We initially remained friendly but the further time went on it was clear something was not resolved for her on her end.
The fact she has remained single for so many years after and lived a "carefree lifestyle" put a larger divide between us since we grew to have little in common.
When I started to seriously see my now wife she would always question why I was spending so much time with her and tell me I was putting her over my friends.
Well yah, sorry I have my own life to live...most of it doesn't and won't involve you.
Anyone who questions why I would persue my own interests at "their expense" is no friend.
And that's is where I draw the line at remaining friendly with anyone who I have previously had a romantic investment with.
If you cannot separate your life from my life, you don't have the type of friendship i am looking to keep alive.
It sounds like she felt more for you than you did for her, and she felt it longer. If you sensed that, agreeing to a friendship after a breakup may not have been the kindest thing. As soon as the next serious "contender" entered the picture for you romantically, couldn't you see that she was going to be upset? Now she has been rejected as a lover, and a friend. That has got to hurt for her. And these kinds of things is why I don't do the "My Ex Is My Friend" thing.
There is no point..there's always that awkwardness no matter how well things were when you were together and even if it ended on a peaceful note. There is no point..unless you're one of those that believe in do-overs...which some peeps do. I personally don't believe in do-overs...when it's over.....IT.....IS....OVER. No need to try again or repeat what was. No thanks, I'll pass.
There is no point..there's always that awkwardness no matter how well things were when you were together and even if it ended on a peaceful note. There is no point..unless you're one of those that believe in do-overs...which some peeps do. I personally don't believe in do-overs...when it's over.....IT.....IS....OVER. No need to try again or repeat what was. No thanks, I'll pass.
For some of us, there is a point. And it's not a do-over. It's a friendship. Why am I friends with any of my friends? Because I like being friends with them.
For some of us, there is a point. And it's not a do-over. It's a friendship. Why am I friends with any of my friends? Because I like being friends with them.
I'm also friends with all of my ex's but I have to tell you I find it awkward...when my ex's wife cheated on him after they married and had a child together (I know it sounds very Jerry Springer) trust me our lives are not like that at all...but when she did, I was the only other person he called except his brother...so the trust and friendship is there...but what I'm saying is that it's awkward. We had a past, the friendship can never be the same for me as in a typical friendship with someone I've never been with.
I'm also friends with all of my ex's but I have to tell you I find it awkward...when my ex's wife cheated on him after they married and had a child together (I know it sounds very Jerry Springer) trust me our lives are not like that at all...but when she did, I was the only other person he called except his brother...so the trust and friendship is there...but what I'm saying is that it's awkward. We had a past, the friendship can never be the same for me as in a typical friendship with someone I've never been with.
I can understand that. But that is not how it is for everyone. My friendship with my ex isn't awkward at all. We are like family.
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