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Just like some of my friends that I cannot confide to... They assume that open relationships are for people who want to go and have sex with everyone. This is a MYTH... Individuals can be as promiscuous and so can couples. Individuals can be selective and so can couples.
The difference is individuals in non-open relationships know it's cheating and is wrong... and have some guilt associated with it
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Quote:
Originally Posted by usayit
Yup...
Just like some of my friends that I cannot confide to... They assume that open relationships are for people who want to go and have sex with everyone. This is a MYTH... Individuals can be as promiscuous and so can couples. Individuals can be selective and so can couples.
The worst to me is the people than confuse open relationships with poly ones and see them as synonymous, or even worse, they see them the same as swinging.
This is why so many people in less progressive areas keep things on the downlow.
Because for many people the things you list - love, trust, sharing a life - are in no way founded or predicated on sex. Simple as that really.
But they are committed. Their expression of that commitment is just not predicated or founded in sex. It takes other forms and methods. Their commitment is no weaker than yours or mine. Its expression simply differs.
Ok, if you say so. I know what has worked for me and what works for all of the couples I know.
I also know what I've seen that has destroyed marriages and relationships.
I choose not to be around people who live this way. I find it to be delusional thinking. If I found out friends were in an open marriage, I would have to break off that friendship. Period. Just like I wouldn't knowingly hang out with drug addicts, cheaters, criminals or liars.
I cherish my marriage and my relationship. I do everything possible to protect it. Staying away from people that don't share the same commitment is part of that protection.
I see at a souped-up open relationship with typically one guy manipulating women.
Quote:
Originally Posted by VanHalen5150
The woman is letting it happen because she is weak
Or because she wants to - or is perfectly ok with it. Are there SOME people who allow it to happen because they are weak or want to keep the partner? Yes - of course there are. But to extrapolate that to a generalisation applying to anyone in such a relationship is pretty crass.
Quote:
Originally Posted by VanHalen5150
The difference is individuals in non-open relationships know it's cheating and is wrong... and have some guilt associated with it
Because in non-open relationships it IS ethically wrong. That is cheating. If you are engaging in sex with others without the consent or knowledge of your partner - then you are cheating. Simple as that.
But when consent and knowledge exists - it is simply a different thing altogether. There is no analogy to be drawn between open relationships - and infidelity.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BamaBlue
Ok, if you say so. I know what has worked for me and what works for all of the couples I know.
I absolutely agree. This is what works for the vast vast majority. People generally genuinely want to give and receive monogamy and fidelity in their relationships. For them that is the basis and foundation of a relationship. And there is absolutely _nothing_ wrong with that.
A failing in our species however is that when we know what works for US - we assume that must be what works for everyone else too. And if someone does not conform to our standards and expectations - they are someone lesser or wrong.
And it simply is not so. The committment and dedication many others have to their relationship is just as real as yours or mine - they just found and predicate it on a different set of standards and expectation. And for the people this thread is about - sexual monogamy and fidelity is simply not on that list. Simple as that. And there is absolutely _nothing_ wrong with that either.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BamaBlue
I also know what I've seen that has destroyed marriages and relationships.
This is an unfortunate truth yes. There are those who are ok with one. There are those that are ok with the other. But there is always going to be some who think they want one - and once they get it find out it is not for them after all.
This is monumentally unfortunate and genuinely tragic. One wishes it did not happen - but it does. But the important thing to note is that this failure and tragedy in _no way_ speaks to the ethics of engaging in polyamory in the first place.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BamaBlue
I choose not to be around people who live this way. I find it to be delusional thinking.
Except it is not - and you are just expressing the judgementalism I referred to in my above paragraph about the failing in our species. Their standards differ from yours. That is all. This does not make them deluded. It just makes them different. The failing is yours - not theirs - and I warrant that if you would end a friendship over this - then your friendship probably lacked value in the first place and they will be as better off without you - as you expect yourself to be without them. So your decision is one best for all concerned and I applaud it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by VanHalen5150
So if you are having sex with anyone other than your spouse, or SO, it's being unfaithful. Even if you have permission.
The user you quoted said the exact opposite of this.
Just a question, how do you guys feel about polyamory and polyamorous relationships? I have had some exposure to it through a friend and it opened my eyes a bit. I like the concept of being able to love more than one person romantically and allowing your partner to also seek love from others. I'm not sure if I could do it, but I find the concept interesting.
Is anyone here in a poly relationship? What are the main challenges?
About the same as I feel about bungee-jumping - no thanks, but if you like it and can do it then... this:
I can't delude myself into thinking that it's functionally impossible or that it's somehow wrong even if both partners are on board.
It would be my preference in a theoretical relationship. I am not a believer that humans were meant to be monogamous. That was mostly (and is) a religious construct. The majority of the married people I know all have partners on the side. We as humans like to think of ourselves as better than animals. If you look at most animals you will have one male (can't use the term here) copulating with multiple females. You see this on a daily basis with humans. We're meant to spread our genetics and move on.
So if you are having sex with anyone other than your spouse, or SO, it's being unfaithful. Even if you have permission.
As long as you bring to the discussion your own preconceived notions, biases, and ideals and present them as superior to those around you, it is not worth my time. You have to first accept that people are different. Until then, you might as stay in your comfort zone and avoid such discussions.
The difference is individuals in non-open relationships know it's cheating and is wrong... and have some guilt associated with it
It is not "cheating" when both of us form a connection with someone else, willingly and honestly.
I will tell you, despite what anyone else cares to believe, I have NEVER (never, ever, ever) cheated on any partner of mine at ANY time in my life. Ever.
Cheating to me = going behind your partner's back and being intimate with another without them knowing about it. Lying, betraying, backstabbing them, deceiving them.. none of that has ever been a part of my personal love life. I am honest and transparent every step of the way.
I do not string along 5, 6, 7, 10 men at a time - like many women who claim to be "committed" do, behind their boyfriend's/husband's back. I tend to have one partner, and somewhere down the line bring another into the picture - with FULL knowledge on his part about what is going on.
Luckily, the men that I attract are usually secure enough to realize that it can be fun together; and more enriching/interesting. They've never had a problem with me doing this, as long as they know that I want THEM and I'm not one to just bolt and run off with someone else alone. I'm stable and long-term minded. But I think I'd be doing myself (and my partner) a disfavor by restricting my entire life to only one person.
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