Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My husband I have been married for 39 years. We have 3 sons together, all grown up now. He has been my only true love, even though communication as always been a problem because he's very reserved. He's a hard worker, reliable and loyal but when it comes to discuss our relationship, he simply turns his back.
He has a bit of a hot temper as well but he has never been aggressive or disrespectful towards me. He usually gets angry with issues from work and things like that.
Well, the last few months have been hard for him. His mother died in February. Even though she was old (he's 67), he was very close to her. His daughter from a previous relationship died in April from breast cancer and she was just 41. His sister died two weeks later and he was also close to her.
I myself was devastated from the less of his daughter, we got along very well and the idea that she left two young boys without a mother is horrible. My husband went to work on the day of his daughter's funeral and I don't know how he could but that's how he deals with things.
The problem he has been getting very cranky and easily gets into huge arguments with our children over minor stuff. I've tried to talk to him but he's one of those men who doesn't let anyone comfort him. I can obviously tell he's not okay, I know him very well as you can imagine.
Even yesterday, he woke up very early to go to work and I told him perhaps it's time for him to retire because he keeps working just like he was 30 years old. He said if he retired he would die in a week or so.
Sometimes I feel like he doesn't allow himself to be intimate with and that I don't truly know him deep down despite all these years together.
You've been married 39 years and you don't know the man yet?
1. He is not good at expressing his feelings. That's not going to change.
2. He has feelings. Let him handle them in his own way. Some people don't want to talk about it. Just because you do, and because Psychologists think you should, doesn't mean everyone should. Let him handle his grief and losses in his own way. Eventually, like most people he'll get over it. Be supportive, give him a hug, make him a nice meal. Do some things he likes to do, that would probably be more appreciated than anything, especially nagging him about "talking about his feelings".
3. YOu suggested that he quit his job. Are you unaware that retirement is very stressful from some people, and many men are like this. Are you trying to kill him? He obviously deals with his feelings by working, which takes his mind off the problem, the pain, hurt whatever he's feeling. Just support him and let him deal with his feelings his own way.
I was talking to a dentist the other day, and he made a very wise observation, based on many years of practice. There are no text book cases. Every person is different and has to be treated as a special case. You're husband is also a unique person, so you can't treat him as a text book case. Forget the books that claim they're the expert to help everyone over their problems. God has given him to you in marriage to love and charish. That's probably the vow you took. So just do it, and I bet he'll be better eventually. It takes time.
In his and your case you are there for him and want to help. In other cases no one cares and no one wants to hear about a mans problems. It's generally good advice to take the high road and keep it to yourself unless you find a woman who does in fact care and will be there for you.
I don't think I could quite get what you're saying..."find a woman"?
Everyone handles sorrow and loss differently and all you can do is hope they can move forward but you cannot change how they handle things, their feelings, or how long it takes them to work through it all.
You've been married 39 years and you don't know the man yet?
1. He is not good at expressing his feelings. That's not going to change.
2. He has feelings. Let him handle them in his own way. Some people don't want to talk about it. Just because you do, and because Psychologists think you should, doesn't mean everyone should. Let him handle his grief and losses in his own way. Eventually, like most people he'll get over it. Be supportive, give him a hug, make him a nice meal. Do some things he likes to do, that would probably be more appreciated than anything, especially nagging him about "talking about his feelings".
3. YOu suggested that he quit his job. Are you unaware that retirement is very stressful from some people, and many men are like this. Are you trying to kill him? He obviously deals with his feelings by working, which takes his mind off the problem, the pain, hurt whatever he's feeling. Just support him and let him deal with his feelings his own way.
I was talking to a dentist the other day, and he made a very wise observation, based on many years of practice. There are no text book cases. Every person is different and has to be treated as a special case. You're husband is also a unique person, so you can't treat him as a text book case. Forget the books that claim they're the expert to help everyone over their problems. God has given him to you in marriage to love and charish. That's probably the vow you took. So just do it, and I bet he'll be better eventually. It takes time.
I'm not trying to change him. He can keep working if he wants to of course...we've always given each other space to make our own choices. I just know that he's suffering (which is quite natural) and he can't see there are people who love him and just want him to be okay (our children included even if they fight from time to time).
Wow. My heart was breaking as I read your post. I'm sorry to hear about your losses. His mom and his sister is bad enough, but to lose a child...I'd be delirious. I probably wouldn't be able to tell you my full name if something happened to my kid. But people handle grief and sorrow differently. You've been with him long enough to know he's the strong, silent type. He's from the "men ain't supposed to cry" generation. At his age that's not going to change.
I don't know to what extent he's "hot tempered". If it's a situation where he's being difficult to the people remaining in his life because he hasn't dealt with his grief -- because that definitely happens -- you might need to suggest some counseling. It's one thing if he deals with things in his own way, but you and your kids and the people he works with don't necessarily deserve to be the punching bag. In times of loss, it's important to hold close those you hold dear, not alienate yourself even further by pushing people away.
Given what you have said, his irritability increases with his distress. As seems to have been confirmed, he then takes it out on others. While this is a long-held problem, it can be diminished if he wants to resolve the problem. The family has made it very easy to NOT solve the problem, and have become unwitting enablers to his continued alienation of them. He is at pain inside and is not letting it out, which is why he laces into others. His distress is self-evident, but he doesn't want to face it and consequently makes others suffer for his distress. This isn't just a man suffering alone, because the reverberations have been felt by others. He appears quite immature and very unsettled in dealing with tender emotions. I feel very sorry for him. And I feel very sorry for the OP for having been married to him for 39 years and not being let in. His actions indicate he is quite content with the status quo and is unwilling to change.
My husband I have been married for 39 years. We have 3 sons together, all grown up now. He has been my only true love, even though communication as always been a problem because he's very reserved. He's a hard worker, reliable and loyal but when it comes to discuss our relationship, he simply turns his back.
He has a bit of a hot temper as well but he has never been aggressive or disrespectful towards me. He usually gets angry with issues from work and things like that.
Well, the last few months have been hard for him. His mother died in February. Even though she was old (he's 67), he was very close to her. His daughter from a previous relationship died in April from breast cancer and she was just 41. His sister died two weeks later and he was also close to her.
I myself was devastated from the less of his daughter, we got along very well and the idea that she left two young boys without a mother is horrible. My husband went to work on the day of his daughter's funeral and I don't know how he could but that's how he deals with things.
The problem he has been getting very cranky and easily gets into huge arguments with our children over minor stuff. I've tried to talk to him but he's one of those men who doesn't let anyone comfort him. I can obviously tell he's not okay, I know him very well as you can imagine.
Even yesterday, he woke up very early to go to work and I told him perhaps it's time for him to retire because he keeps working just like he was 30 years old. He said if he retired he would die in a week or so.
Sometimes I feel like he doesn't allow himself to be intimate with and that I don't truly know him deep down despite all these years together.
He sounds miserable, like he does not want to be married to you but is doing it for the kids and family image. There is no logical reason for a guy to be that angry and inattentive. That's not normal. Doubt there's anything you could do to change him. A divorce might be the best thing for him. You should bring it up and see if his face lights up?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
