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Hello everyone, I'm new to this forum and need some advice on my current relationship (at least that's what I think this arrangement is, that I'm participating in).
Short background: I met a man about six months ago. He's quite a bit older - I'm in my mid-20's and he's in his early 40's. We also live far apart, but met while he was here on vacation. Since then we've taken turns visiting each other, spending weekends either in his city or mine, we see each other roughly once a month.
I've really enjoyed this relationship so far - he and I have a lot in common despite the apparent differences stated above, and we always have a great time when we're together. We bascially act like any other dating couple, including outings, dinner dates and sex. In between visits we keep in regular contact via text, updating each other on our day-to-day lives.
What's always been something of an issue though is the fact that he is going through a kind of crisis at the moment. He's had a rough year and also went through a difficult break-up with his ex-girlfriend, which has left him emotionally exhausted and in a confused state of mind. He doesn't regret breaking up - I'm positive he genuinely wants to move on - but still carries some guilt and sadness from the break-up, which is obviously understandable.
I know how debilitating break-ups can be, and the issue for me isn't the fact that he is sad or upset sometimes, but rather how this crisis he's having seems to be leaving him not quite able to think about the future. I'm developing strong feelings for him, I do really care about him, and would like to give the relationship a serious shot (even under the circumstances: the things he's dealing with and the long distance issue).
I do however feel like these special circumstances we're operating under require us to give some thought to the future. As of now, we haven't verbally agreed to be exclusive, nor are we "boyfriend/girlfriend". Neither of us is dating anyone else though, and we've agreed to be honest with each other about where we're at when it comes to each other and to other people.
LDRs do require planning ahead - finding available dates to visit - and are also financially more straining than close proximity relationships. For these reasons, and for the sake of my own emotional investment, I feel like not knowing what the near future holds is becoming increasingly difficult. I've brought this up a few times, and he has told me that he likes me and would like to continue dating to see where things go. He's also said that he feels very "day-to-day" about most things in his life at the moment, and isn't confident about what the future holds in general.
I'm very happy with my life right now - and I could probably find someone great who's closer and who's not dealing with as much. But something tells me the connection with this guy is special and that it's worth investing in. I enjoy our relationship and I want to see this through, I just don't know how to go about dealing with the uncertainty. Is six months enough to tell - is it a temporary crisis or is he just not that into me?
He is obviously not ready to take the next step, and you should not pressure him to do so. You have two choices, either continue the LDR with the understanding that its in the "we'll see where it goes stage" or end the LDR and look for someone else. Seems simple to me.
He's also said that he feels very "day-to-day" about most things in his life at the moment, and isn't confident about what the future holds in general.
This is a HUGE red flag for his mental health.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ivelinni
I'm very happy with my life right now - and I could probably find someone great who's closer and who's not dealing with as much.
Keep thinking about this ^^^.
Six months is NOT enough to tell anything, especially in a LDR. You are basically on your best behavior when you see each other AND riding a high wave of anticipation for each visit. It makes your relationship seem artificially better than it may be.
Realistically, what are you going to do, move to the same city?? Unless that is an actual option, and it should not be at this point, you should free him so he can get his act together. Tell him to contact you when he feels mentally confident to be excited and eager about life.
Hello everyone, I'm new to this forum and need some advice on my current relationship (at least that's what I think this arrangement is, that I'm participating in).
Short background: I met a man about six months ago. He's quite a bit older - I'm in my mid-20's and he's in his early 40's. We also live far apart, but met while he was here on vacation. Since then we've taken turns visiting each other, spending weekends either in his city or mine, we see each other roughly once a month.
I've really enjoyed this relationship so far - he and I have a lot in common despite the apparent differences stated above, and we always have a great time when we're together. We bascially act like any other dating couple, including outings, dinner dates and sex. In between visits we keep in regular contact via text, updating each other on our day-to-day lives.
What's always been something of an issue though is the fact that he is going through a kind of crisis at the moment. He's had a rough year and also went through a difficult break-up with his ex-girlfriend, which has left him emotionally exhausted and in a confused state of mind. He doesn't regret breaking up - I'm positive he genuinely wants to move on - but still carries some guilt and sadness from the break-up, which is obviously understandable.
I know how debilitating break-ups can be, and the issue for me isn't the fact that he is sad or upset sometimes, but rather how this crisis he's having seems to be leaving him not quite able to think about the future. I'm developing strong feelings for him, I do really care about him, and would like to give the relationship a serious shot (even under the circumstances: the things he's dealing with and the long distance issue).
I do however feel like these special circumstances we're operating under require us to give some thought to the future. As of now, we haven't verbally agreed to be exclusive, nor are we "boyfriend/girlfriend". Neither of us is dating anyone else though, and we've agreed to be honest with each other about where we're at when it comes to each other and to other people.
LDRs do require planning ahead - finding available dates to visit - and are also financially more straining than close proximity relationships. For these reasons, and for the sake of my own emotional investment, I feel like not knowing what the near future holds is becoming increasingly difficult. I've brought this up a few times, and he has told me that he likes me and would like to continue dating to see where things go. He's also said that he feels very "day-to-day" about most things in his life at the moment, and isn't confident about what the future holds in general.
I'm very happy with my life right now - and I could probably find someone great who's closer and who's not dealing with as much. But something tells me the connection with this guy is special and that it's worth investing in. I enjoy our relationship and I want to see this through, I just don't know how to go about dealing with the uncertainty. Is six months enough to tell - is it a temporary crisis or is he just not that into me?
Where are you from btw? Need to know that before I can give you proper advice.
Thanks for all your input, so far. Perhaps I'm over-thinking this whole thing.
Just wanted to clarify that the man I'm seeing has been through a difficult period, but is definitely trying to make changes to improve his life. He's financially stable, with an education and a career, and isn't suffering from any addictions or otherwise destructive behavior (I should have made this clear in my first post). But he still doesn't seem to be out of the "fog" of this rough time, and he has good days as well as bad.
My SO and I do not live in the same city, but he's in my area a few times a month for work, and when we first met he was here on a weekly basis. Long distance is tough and I think the problem is you guys have never been in the same place on a consistent basis. If you've been dating six months and you see each other once a month, that's not very much face time as a foundation for your relationship. I can relate to your situation because when I met my SO he had just broken up with a girlfriend he was with for 2 years. I think he wanted to move on with me, but it was hard. I decided to stick it out and see what might happen, and thankfully things have turned out how I wanted so far, but it's a tough balance. If your guy isn't ready to move on, then you can't force him.
I think you need to think what you're willing to tolerate and how long you're willing to wait for this guy to be on the same page as you. Six months is a pretty long time to go without being official especially when like you said you could find someone local with a lot less drama.
Where are you from btw? Need to know that before I can give you proper advice.
What the heck difference does it make where the OP poster is from? That is no business of yours and it is not a good idea for any poster on here to disclose too much personal info about ourselves for safety's sake.
What is up with the rash of requesting things like photos and locations from female posters, lately?
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