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Ok, so this is a bat signal to everyone..I have been trying online dating with little to no success. My biggest challenge is trying to find some way to break the ice. I typically will start a message like this, "Hi, how are you? I noticed that you like XYZ, what do you think about ABC? or I will ask where they are from or what they do for a living. I feel however, that these messages are lame and not really doing me justice. I have pics put up and a decent profile.
I get messages, but a lot of the time, it is just answers to my questions, with no follow up question. At this point, I keep going though I feel like they are not interested, and if they are not, why would they respond? I also don't know when I should ask for a girl's phone number. Should I just let her give it to me? Or should I ask if the conversation is going well and after a few messages?
Also, there are some women that put NOTHING at all in their profile!(or very little), how are you supposed to get to know someone that way? I mean, I think it kind of defeats the purpose imo.
P.S. I just met someone last night, we have been messaging back in forth, probably are like 9 messages in talking about likes, dislikes and what not...I want to ask for her number, but im not sure. After I get the number, I usually call them for a bit and then we make plans..is this too much or am I doing something wrong here?
You are way over thinking this.
Google search for witty opening messages. OR ask women her what type of messages get them the most curious or attention bragging.
After that do some causal chat.
Next ask for her number.
Call her once or twice.
Then ask to get some coffee or lunch.
Easy peasy.
Either she is interested in you (which when it comes to OLD she will know very quickly) or she isnt. All the fluff talk is just that, fluff.
Even though it worked for this guy, please don't do the above. Negging and insulting women is a horrible way to get attention. If I got the above message I would report and block.
And don't do the "Hey beautiful" stuff either - that means you're only interested in looks or seeing where a compliment will get you, and the exact same message was probably sent to a hundred other women on the site.
I know OLD is frustrating and I have had no luck with it, but I when I was on it I always responded to thoughtful messages that showed he actually read my profile. Sometimes the conversation just doesn't flow, so move on.
these are good points...
But do women think the majority of men on dating sights write insightful unique messages to every woman they message?
Or do they cut and past the same tepid crap to a CRAP load of women, knowing that they are going for quantity and not quality, that they will get some response...now if they see a diamond in the rough (not seeing this on pof...ew) of course they will spend more time reading profiles and trying to make a connection
how many men are on old looking for mrs right as opposed to mrs tonight??? I would imagine, and maybe I am being hard on my gender, that the VAST majority of men on old are looking for hookups, especially on pof
and I HAVE written a couple nice messages to women I thought might be a flawed piece of gold in the rough, pof has no diamonds, and I read profiles, felt there might be something, wrote something nice and lengthy, NOT a novel but it was well thought out...and reply was "thanks"...so I thought ok, not interested...and then today she replied again "where you go"...lol...I replied "texting someone who can hold a conversation"
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,974,024 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by lucky2balive
these are good points... But do women think the majority of men on dating sights write insightful unique messages to every woman they message?
Or do they cut and past the same tepid crap to a CRAP load of women, knowing that they are going for quantity and not quality, that they will get some response...now if they see a diamond in the rough (not seeing this on pof...ew) of course they will spend more time reading profiles and trying to make a connection
how many men are on old looking for mrs right as opposed to mrs tonight??? I would imagine, and maybe I am being hard on my gender, that the VAST majority of men on old are looking for hookups, especially on pof
and I HAVE written a couple nice messages to women I thought might be a flawed piece of gold in the rough, pof has no diamonds, and I read profiles, felt there might be something, wrote something nice and lengthy, NOT a novel but it was well thought out...and reply was "thanks"...so I thought ok, not interested...and then today she replied again "where you go"...lol...I replied "texting someone who can hold a conversation"
I hope they do. Why wouldn't I? Even in a large place like SF, Chicago, or Boston where I now live, there aren't going to be that many profiles that speak to me. Maybe a half dozen to a dozen at any time. Is is really putting me out to write a decent message to them? They almost always respond when I do. Maybe 1 in 5 don't respond at all. Then I also respond to the women that write me.
But POF might be a different game. I looked at it once and bailed fast. Total trash.
The ratio online for rejection is probably quite similar to rejection in real life. You can't force any more responses ....you just see more results in black and white.
On the how to get her phone number thing, if you are uncomfortable asking, just give her your number and tell her she can text you or call. If she's interested, she will (and in which case, you've both exchanged numbers).
As another poster said, stay away from the "hey beautiful" crap. I think that kind of thing gets ignored by most women... where your original ideas for how to break the ice work (you got some back and forth before things stalled out).
Oh, and as far as stalling out goes, that happens. You got to remember that other people are often messaging more than you. I had that issue. I'd throw out 5-6 messages to those who looked like a good match to me and get 2-3 nibbles and in the meantime, I'd get another message or two from someone else. Next thing I knew, I was chatting with 3-4 people. In the end, one (sometimes two) stood out and I went out with that one. If it didn't work out, I'd try again. People faded on me and I on them as it because clear there wasn't an equal interest or that we really weren't a match (or maybe someone else held their interest more). Don't take it personally... it's like conversations at a party. Some people you talk to for a few minutes and others you talk to all night.
Ok, so this is a bat signal to everyone..I have been trying online dating with little to no success.
Also, there are some women that put NOTHING at all in their profile!(or very little), how are you supposed to get to know someone that way? I mean, I think it kind of defeats the purpose imo.
P.S. I just met someone last night, we have been messaging back in forth, probably are like 9 messages in talking about likes, dislikes and what not...I want to ask for her number, but im not sure. After I get the number, I usually call them for a bit and then we make plans..is this too much or am I doing something wrong here?
1. That's life as a guy using OLD. You're outnumbered probably 10:1, so don't bet the house on much.
2. Why would you want to inquire about women who have nothing of interest to toot their horn over? I'm not a dentist and I don't pull teeth in trying to get to know someone. NEXT!
3. Nine messages? Enough with the online emailing... you haven't met until it's face-to-face.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar
After 9 messages in, I'd be ok with a guy asking for my number. I definitely prefer that he ask within the first few days of communication.
True as that's the point of this. Nobody, especially women, wants to be caught dead using OLD--especailly by someone they know.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lucky2balive
I initiated with 10 women...all were online regularly...only 2 answered...and these were not anywhere near out of my league...maybe the other 8 had a ton of dudes waiting for them...I tried "hello, how are you" I tried "hello, you like to do so and so, I just got back from so and so"...that sorta thing...got mostly "hello" or "thank you" and that was it
so then I tried "hey gorgeous" or "hey beautiful"...same tepid response
so today I tried "you look like a crabby beeyotch, who pooped in your Wheaties"...I got responses from everyone I sent similar snarky comments to...and I continued the banter and then turned into mr nice guy, the few who got a laugh out of it exchanged cell or emails and I am meeting one for lunch tomorrow...
gotta be creative
Way too many mental gymnastics there. It's funny (no, not really) how so many women eschew standard greetings using OLD when they're nothing to brag about as it is, but in person all that stuff works without having to resort to being snarky.
Quote:
Originally Posted by moxiegal
Don't give up too soon(?) OLD is a big world out there. I made my first profiles back in 1999. I have never actively "searched" for men. I just let them decide if I am their type. If they have a decent and informative profile...(and not too wordy), then I decide to respond or not. Oh, and NO xxx-pics.
I met my new husband in OLD in 2009. We married in 2012.
I have had profiles on several different OLD sites also through the years. Some are good. Some are just creepy. The sites.
Having a great sense of humor...and knowing how to use it...goes a long way too
So, you got a pretty good return on a decade of using OLD, amirite? I guess so, because you didn't get a whiff of your hubby's sense of humor solely using OLD.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
Hate, hate to say this, but yeah, pushing for a meeting in person (in a public place) is the way to go. Put a woman on the spot and don't make it easy for her to ghost ya. Especially if you do appear to have things in common.
Phone numbers...that one varies. I have a personal policy of not giving mine out until I've met someone in person and got a sense of them. I don't want the hassle of changing my number if somebody winds up being a no-go but won't give up, and I can't have a clinger who texts and calls me constantly, I do have a life. I need to have the feeling they will respect any boundaries I put in place.
That's why you invest in a Tracfone or use Google voice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lucky2balive
these are good points... But do women think the majority of men on dating sights write insightful unique messages to every woman they message?
Or do they cut and past the same tepid crap to a CRAP load of women, knowing that they are going for quantity and not quality, that they will get some response...now if they see a diamond in the rough (not seeing this on pof...ew) of course they will spend more time reading profiles and trying to make a connection
how many men are on old looking for mrs right as opposed to mrs tonight??? I would imagine, and maybe I am being hard on my gender, that the VAST majority of men on old are looking for hookups, especially on pof
and I HAVE written a couple nice messages to women I thought might be a flawed piece of gold in the rough, pof has no diamonds, and I read profiles, felt there might be something, wrote something nice and lengthy, NOT a novel but it was well thought out...and reply was "thanks"...so I thought ok, not interested...and then today she replied again "where you go"...lol...I replied "texting someone who can hold a conversation"
Yes, they do. Women want that romantic bent to OLD even though they know there is nothing romantic about it and men get almost zero negligible return on unique messages as had been trumpeted in the past.
You aren't being hard on men, either. Of course there are men who are looking for a hookup. That Markus whiteknight that runs POF knew that and that's why he did some tweaking with age limits even though he doesn't know better to prevent his site from coming across as a hookup site. Women give it up, men figure that out, men keep gong back to the well. As the sparse number of women that use OLD tells you, most respectable and all around likable women don't need to use OLD.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Teckeeee
I agree I offer to give my number they may initially call from a burner number until they figure you're not a creep.
How long should that take? If the assumption is that the guy is a creep, then you're already fighting a losing battle. And she's mental.
AB-everyone has issues, you and me both. And yeah women have a right to be more cautious on OLD than men.
Try and be flexible on the phone number...........and realize a few times it worked out ok, but I almost used a burner with a couple that seemed really insecure..........so it's not just women.
It should take about 15 minutes on the phone for a woman to decide to move forward or not and give you the real number or maybe after the meetup from burner call goes well.
Beyond that yeah cut em loose too many issues IMO.
OLD is showing me I like a women with some quirks and don't even want a "perfect" woman because they are a PITA and I am not perfect either.
I think you're overthinking things. Most women, on- or off-line, will be flattered if you find them attractive and want to get to know them. Yes, even if they have no intentions of you. That doesn't mean she's going to return your advances, but let that put your mind at ease. You're not being a gross creep by acting interested in her, especially online.
It's fine to do the small-talk thing for about 3-4 messages, then ask for her number. Ask her to meet for coffee or something. There is a certain dance to dating, but fortune favors the bold, as the saying goes. Take a chance. If it doesn't work out, there are plenty of fish in the sea (no pun intended).
There is a certain dance when it comes to dating, so I wouldn't advise being smothering and "available" early on. I do think you have to let a woman come to you at some point. So after a first date, send her a text or e-mail or message telling her you had a good time and leave it at that. If she contacts you, good. If she doesn't, move on.
I have no need or motivation to "invest" in a burner phone of any kind. I have just politely told men that I don't give out my phone number until we have met. I prefer literacy anyways, it's fairly important to me, so most of the men I'm talking to don't mind exchanging messages via the OKC message system for a while. Then we meet, and if I like them they may get my phone number. I'm not trying to offer or solicit the trade of naughty pics either, so there's also that.
And actually the few I've given my phone number to, I've wondered why I bothered. It's not as though we've had phone conversations. We simply take texting from a mobile app, to a phone's text feature.
Honestly if you're trying to get anywhere with anyone, you need to respect if they express a boundary with you. Not just if you are male talking to females, but the guy I'm seeing now, has heaps of boundaries that I must accept and respect and I have no problem at all doing so.
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