Thinking about my ex makes me anxious and scared? (dating, movies, boyfriend)

[Zahra55]

I dated my (now ex, I think) boyfriend for 2 years. And I don't know why I was always afraid of him (he didn't even look intimidating, physically - he was a small guy). When I first started to get to know him, I had a very difficult time expressing to him things that made me uncomfortable. For the first 6-8 months I was getting to know him, I felt like he wasn't completely committed to our relationship as he was still hanging out with his ex-gf one on one, going to the movies with her, shopping etc. These things made me bitter, and uncomfortable. But it took me a very long time to express to him how I felt as I thought he would have known better to not act this way.

Eventually I built up the courage to tell him it was either her or me, and he did cut her out. As soon as she was out of the picture he seemed to become suddenly devoted, and highly involved in our relationship - but at this point I had developed so much anxiety within our relationship. Things were good for a while, he bombarded me with loads of affection and gifts, but the damage was done, and I had a hard time being 'normal' with him - he was a very needy, and controlling guy who demanded constant attention.

When he was angry, he became extremely cocky, arrogant, sarcastic, talking to me in a condescending manner and be disrespectful. He'd yell, put me down etc. making me feel even more anxious, and I'd cry and cry. Often times he was very supporting and loving, but by his standards I was constantly making 'mistakes' and not loving him to the standard he wanted me to.

A little while ago he completely cut me out stating that I didn't care about anything, and I never deserved him being nice to me. Since then we both have not spoken to each other - so I'm assuming it's all over. He literally went from being SO in 'love' to lashing out at me with so much hate like never before.

Now when I see places he and I used to visit, or see a picture of him, or anything that is an explicit reminder of him - I get SO anxious, scared, have difficulty breathing. It's so weird. I feel like I'm supposed to be missing him (which I do to an extent) - but more than anything, I can't stop feeling scared?

[BirdieBelle]

Yep, it sounds like anxiety and extreme insecurity.

[D217]

Ya know, people come into our lives for many reasons. Feeling that level of discomfort with him means it is motivating you to grow in some way. Sounds like that particular relationship was a catalyst to help you find your voice - your inner strength & confidence to actually SPEAK UP when a person mistreats you instead of accepting it. It's not about "him"..it's what you learned about yourself so you can elevate yourself and move forward.. You can do it!!

[Mimidae]

Oof.

I'm sorry you're feeling badly. But also so happy for you that you're out of this abusive situation. PLEASE don't go back to him if he contacts you. Your body is telling you that this was really not a good situation to be in. I'm glad you're out of it, and I hope it becomes a distant memory soon.

[Lilac110]

Of course you feel anxious and scared. It's a defense mechanism to keep you away from someone who verbally abused you. It's your body warning you that this man is dangerous to you in some way--because he is.

So abide it. Throw out all reminders of him. Don't look at anything of his online. Go out with friends to new places you've never been before.

If your anxiety continues for more than a few more weeks, talk to a therapist.

[Ascension2012]

SO, what have you learned from the whole ordeal? Perhaps, to communicate directly and right away and the type of guys to stay away from?

[TabulaRasa]

You're having anxiety attacks that are probably exacerbated by having spent a bunch of time around someone who is emotionally abusive.