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Hi everyone. Thank you for reading and responding to my thread in advance.
I met this guy on POF ( an online dating site ) about a month ago. We exchanged numbers the first day of conversations on the site and he texted me everyday since then. We went on a total of 4 dates together in two weeks. After the first date, he told me he had deleted his online dating account. He texted me in the morning, afternoon, evenings, basically all day. I was very responsive. I replied immediately and always said yes when he asked me to do something. I was flirty and nice even though I did not initiate the conversations. I showed interest. And I was always the first one to text him goodnight. He was very sweet and things started up very fast. He started calling me baby and complimenting me after our first date. I thought things were going pretty well.
Fast forward to three weeks of dating and he tells me that I never ask him to do anything. This may have been the case, but he always beat me to it. I told him I understand and I will try to change that. We had then arranged to see each other that week on a Friday, time or place planned. Then that Friday came and I did not hear from him until noon (I was at the mall at that time ). At that point I asked him around what time he would like to meet, and he said when I would like. Then he proposed a movie that I did not want to see and I said : I dont think I want to see that movie, but if you really want to go we can see each other another time. After that he got mad and told me I was not ready for a relationship and that he was more invested that I was and I was not demonstrative enough. It is true that he did initiate plans and the texting, but he never gave me time to initiate or plan anything. He constantly texted me and asked me to do things, maybe if he would have cooled down, I would have eventually asked him or texted first. In any case, he then told me I needed to think about things. It takes me time to warm up to someone, I would have initiated more eventually, maybe when we were an official couple. I was not open and vulnerable right from the get go but I showed interest.
I did just that and told him that things were going a bit fast and that I needed more time to open up to him and that I would initiate more from now on which I did. However, since that day, he stopped texting me first and went completely cold and distant. I had asked him to do something with me and he kept saying he would get back to me and never did. I did do my best to be more demonstrative and show my interest. But his behavior did not change so I asked him what he wanted and if he wanted to continue dating me. ( this was a week after him being cold and distant ). I was interested in him, but maybe I did not open up fast enough when he was putting in effort..
His response was:
I will be super honest with you. When we first started dating I was very interested in you and I still am a lot. But you were distant in the beginning and what happened made me think a lot. I think about it a lot since it happened. I do not think that either of us is ready for a long term and serious relationship. You have work and school, and I am not saying that you would not be able to make time for me but I also have a complicated work schedule and I am thinking of going back to school as well very soon. It seems like the timing isn't good. And you also made me realize that people should not rush into things, which is a flaw that I have. I think the best thing to do is to let things just evolve without pressure and see where things go. Those who are made for each other find a way back to each other. I really believe that. I want to tell you that I sincerely enjoyed every moment that I spent with you and I think you are a great and beautiful woman. I have a feeling that we will meet again I just think that right now I am indecisive and confused and I do not want to make you wait for nothing. I do really wish you all the best, but I would like to stay in contact with you if you want to. I hope you are not mad at me, I though for about 4 hours before sending you this message. Have a nice night and I hope with all my heart that you would want to keep in touch with me. Please let me know how you feel about this.
I replied by saying that I understand and that we could keep in touch. His response was :
I am so happy that you want to stay in touch. It makes me so happy! Have a great day and talk to you soon.
It has been 3 days I did not hear from him. He is adding a bunch of women on facebook and has a new dating account up on POF. ( I dont know if this was going on the week he went distant or the day after he texted me ) It made me very suspicious of his true intent.
I am very confused as to what happened here and what this all means. Was it my fault ? Did I do something wrong ? Does he really want to stay in touch ? Was he really that interested if it was so easy for him to walk away after I opened up to him ? A part of me blames myself for what happened. But should I ?
Please any perspective or opinion would be appreciated.
Hi everyone. Thank you for reading and responding to my thread in advance.
I met this guy on POF ( an online dating site ) about a month ago. We exchanged numbers the first day of conversations on the site and he texted me everyday since then. We went on a total of 4 dates together in two weeks. After the first date, he told me he had deleted his online dating account. He texted me in the morning, afternoon, evenings, basically all day. I was very responsive. I replied immediately and always said yes when he asked me to do something. I was flirty and nice even though I did not initiate the conversations. I showed interest. And I was always the first one to text him goodnight. He was very sweet and things started up very fast. He started calling me baby and complimenting me after our first date. I thought things were going pretty well.
Fast forward to three weeks of dating and he tells me that I never ask him to do anything. This may have been the case, but he always beat me to it. I told him I understand and I will try to change that. We had then arranged to see each other that week on a Friday, time or place planned. Then that Friday came and I did not hear from him until noon (I was at the mall at that time ). At that point I asked him around what time he would like to meet, and he said when I would like. Then he proposed a movie that I did not want to see and I said : I dont think I want to see that movie, but if you really want to go we can see each other another time. After that he got mad and told me I was not ready for a relationship and that he was more invested that I was and I was not demonstrative enough. It is true that he did initiate plans and the texting, but he never gave me time to initiate or plan anything. He constantly texted me and asked me to do things, maybe if he would have cooled down, I would have eventually asked him or texted first. In any case, he then told me I needed to think about things. It takes me time to warm up to someone, I would have initiated more eventually, maybe when we were an official couple. I was not open and vulnerable right from the get go but I showed interest.
I did just that and told him that things were going a bit fast and that I needed more time to open up to him and that I would initiate more from now on which I did. However, since that day, he stopped texting me first and went completely cold and distant. I had asked him to do something with me and he kept saying he would get back to me and never did. I did do my best to be more demonstrative and show my interest. But his behavior did not change so I asked him what he wanted and if he wanted to continue dating me. ( this was a week after him being cold and distant ). I was interested in him, but maybe I did not open up fast enough when he was putting in effort..
His response was:
I will be super honest with you. When we first started dating I was very interested in you and I still am a lot. But you were distant in the beginning and what happened made me think a lot. I think about it a lot since it happened. I do not think that either of us is ready for a long term and serious relationship. You have work and school, and I am not saying that you would not be able to make time for me but I also have a complicated work schedule and I am thinking of going back to school as well very soon. It seems like the timing isn't good. And you also made me realize that people should not rush into things, which is a flaw that I have. I think the best thing to do is to let things just evolve without pressure and see where things go. Those who are made for each other find a way back to each other. I really believe that. I want to tell you that I sincerely enjoyed every moment that I spent with you and I think you are a great and beautiful woman. I have a feeling that we will meet again I just think that right now I am indecisive and confused and I do not want to make you wait for nothing. I do really wish you all the best, but I would like to stay in contact with you if you want to. I hope you are not mad at me, I though for about 4 hours before sending you this message. Have a nice night and I hope with all my heart that you would want to keep in touch with me. Please let me know how you feel about this.
I replied by saying that I understand and that we could keep in touch. His response was :
I am so happy that you want to stay in touch. It makes me so happy! Have a great day and talk to you soon.
It has been 3 days I did not hear from him. He is adding a bunch of women on facebook and has a new dating account up on POF. ( I dont know if this was going on the week he went distant or the day after he texted me ) It made me very suspicious of his true intent.
I am very confused as to what happened here and what this all means. Was it my fault ? Did I do something wrong ? Does he really want to stay in touch ? Was he really that interested if it was so easy for him to walk away after I opened up to him ? A part of me blames myself for what happened. But should I ?
Please any perspective or opinion would be appreciated.
This is over, move on. The fact that this post was so long, shows you have already invested more than you should have when the first thing this guy does is act like a spoiled child that wants all of you, not just that which you are willing to give so early on. Let him move down the road.
Seems like a pretty honest and straight forward conversation.
I would just take it as it is and just keep it moving. Things did seem a bit rushed, and he overreacted when you suggested another time. It's a combination of that, bad timing, and incompatibility. These things happen, no point in over thinking it too much. Doesn't really seem like he knows what he wants either. There are plenty of other men out there. Just chill and let life do its' thing.
I get the feeling that when you did not have the same interest in that movie, it was just one more thing to confirm what he was already feeling, added to your "not being demonstrative", etc., likely feeling you are not so flexible, while he had been accomodating. I think we give out subtle signals and have a mental checklist being marked off as we are becoming acquainted. Even if he had not reacted prior, he may have been already checking things off and felt is was "not a two-way street". I think you were lucky that he was communicative, straight, mature and that you GOT an explanation, which would never happen with some.
None of us were there and it is difficult to assess each personalities' views and occurrences. People have expectations, different outlooks, backgrounds, psychological makeup, maturity, etc. One thing, I had a book that claimed how couple can be affected based upon our "birth status", meaning how one being the first born and the other having been an only child for instance, can affect how we relate. (This is why I have to laugh at those who think that if they are just physically attracted, that it will work out). It is complex and we see how often marriages / relationships fail.
Regarding movie-viewing compatibility, I ended up early on dating some who would select from a particular genre, telling me that I could pick "next time", which never happened.. (selfish). I learned to determine beforehand one's taste, not that it is the biggest thing, but it is an indicator, since I love well-made films.
Anyway, this is only one experience with another for a short while .. it is always an experience and feel it teaches us about ourselves and others and is good to get insights. Though you felt there was potential and feel hurt, I think you do not need to dwell on this and it will pass.
Last edited by In2itive_1; 09-08-2015 at 12:17 AM..
Reason: Edit, addition.
It's been my experience that guys that blow up your phone from day one and are quick to call you pet names and want to see you multiple times a week right away are often just as quick to go cold and withdraw a few weeks or months down the line. It sounds like you were showing your interest and you were receptive when he said he would like you to imitate more. Not sure what else you could have done really. It sounds like he is the one who is feeling unsure. Obviously he is still dating and meeting other women, so it all sounds like crap to me. It sounds like he's trying to lay the blame for things not working out on you (unfairly) and still keep you as a back up plan if nothing better comes along. I would try to forget he exists! Not worth it.
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It is complex and we see how often marriages / relationships fail.
